YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Disclosure - I'm married. A loveless, sexless, affectionless marriage. We don't even sleep together anymore. But yes, I'm married.

Here's me in a nutshell:

I'm 51, living in New York. I'm BP II, tending mostly towards depression. I'm a real barrel of giggles.

I always felt a bit, sometimes a lot, out of synch with the rest of the world. And looking back on life I realize now that something was always wrong. But I never could put a word to it, or even get my arms around what was going on. I was in and out of therapy for over 20 years and not once did a therapist suggest I might be depressed. It was always 'tell me about your mother.'

About 10 years ago I started taking Zyban to quit smoking. All of a sudden the fog lifted, the darkness went away, etc. etc. My therapist at the time suggsted I talk to my Dr who referred me to a psychiatrist and the rest is history.

Now all this time I was married with kids and when the depression was really bad I couldn't function. I lost a series of jobs and spent days just in the house, struggling to even shower and get dressed. The Wellbutrin helped somewhat, and we added Lamictal 5 years ago. But I'm still running from low level blues to pitch black depression.

As you can guess from the start of this post, it's had an awful impact on my marriage. She knows intellectually what I deal with but in her heart, she can't deal. Sometimes I'm so frustrated trying to tell her, other times I just give up.

She's about done with me and as soon as we can get the finances straightened out, I'm out. I'll stick around the area until all of my kids are in college - till 2020. After that I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge and moving as far away from here as I can.

The only joy I get, aside from my wonderful children, is through photography. I shoot digital and film. I've had one photo in a gallery show already and I'm working on getting a few more. The Hudson Valley is my main muse - it's so beautiful here you can't help but create art. I also shoot industrial decay and nudes.

So... what I'm looking for is what I lack most in my marriage. Someone who will listen, who understands what it feels like. And I can do the same in return. In other words, a pen-pal.

Respond or message me if this sounds good for you.

Sorry I missed seeing this.

I have only spent a week int he Hudson Valley, but I will never forget it.

I remember driving on Route 9 and wishing I had my motorcycle. It was like a legal race to get from Kingston to Poukipsie. It was just before Halloween and I remember going through Sleepy Hollow.

Beautiful scenery and a perfect place for a photographer.

The Hudson Valley is catnip for artists.

I was in some mall there in Kingston. I remembered driving past a bunch of junkyards and seeing some rats that were as large as housecats.

I found this beautiful spot, right by the river. All the sudden a big freighter was headed right towards me. I so hoped the ship would lose control and run me over.

At that point everything appeared ok, and I put on a hell of an act. I very much want to go back to the area now that i feel a good 20% better than that...Hell, maybe even 25% better! LOL

The Kingston Mall is depressing. Pun intended.

If you are ever back in the area drop me a PM. There's lots to see here.

Hello,
I am just reading this months after you posted it. I do hope that you have found some measure of peace. I too live in the Hudson Valley, suffer from depression etc etc etc.
My heart breaks for you my friend.
I have suffered with depression my whole life pretty much, due to some events when I was young. Though I did not know it for many many years. It is such a shame
that your therapists just could not see what you were dealing with.
If you want someone to talk with let me know.