YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I recently made up an online dating profile, and the whole experience feels inauthentic: the search, the profiles, probably even my own profile (mostly by omission). I do not like to include information that is very personal, not even out of fear of judgment by people I do not know, but rather safety (I just don't know who could be on such a site, so it's more for privacy concerns). Anyway, I guess I have been starting to burn out on views of profiles of individuals who list the number of countries they have traveled to, drop names of top institutions where they have worked and studied, and appear to have used a thesaurus to write their profiles. I am not downplaying the significance of such achievements (I am a lover of travel and education myself), and yes, in a dating profile, you want to make the best impression of yourself within just that limit of text. It just feels sad that I'm order to find people who we think will love us, we are expected to define our identity in this way.

What I really seek is either a partner or friend who is compassionate, gentle, and loving. Possibly someone I could relate to in terms of issues I have experienced and continue to experience. I could be more detailed, I suppose, about the type of partner I think would be great for me...but I am not pushing to find something like that at this moment.

Right now, I very badly want a person to be affectionate with, and not necessarily in a sexual way. It is hard for me to find people I feel emotionally safe and physically safe enough with to request that we platonically share a bed for the night, or hold one another, and maybe even cry together. I personally don't know anyone who I would feel comfortable asking for that level of intimacy, and attempting to seek something of that nature out online, especially as a woman, is downright scary. It is ironic to receive messages from men on an online dating site (sometimes extremely intrusive messages), but to never be able to ask for what I need from anyone in person or real life.

I sometimes feel very lonely and sad, or anxious, or all of it. Sometimes I just want to hide under my kitchen table because the space of my apartment feels too big, and for someone to join me underneath, hold me, and tell me it's going to be all right. Sometimes I sob in bed at night, feeling empty and alone. Just like last night - Friday night. Yep, none of this is in my dating profile, and in real life, I think people seem to think of me as well-adjusted.

I found some sites on paying for cuddle services. It makes me sad that people feel they need to pay for something that should be welcome and available to anyone. I wonder if there is a safe way of finding what I, and seemingly others, are looking for?

I know what you mean, I've never even bothered with online dating despite being intensely lonely for a few years. It all seems like a superficial game in which the objective is to prove to the world how desirable you are instead of actually trying to make real and honest connections with other people.

I generally label myself as an asexual guy, so women who like me as a person will usually put me in the "gay best friend" role. Not that I don't like being in that role, but I want the deeper emotional closeness of a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I'm 50 and have been happily married for 25 years. Prior to that, I dated a lot of people. I'm not gay, and it was only one guy. Nothing sexual, yet it was something much more than just being friends. I did not keep track, but it had to be somewhere around 100-150 ladies.

Not a one of them did not have issues. Either I was not attracted to issue free people, or everyone has something that could be call an issue. My wife has plenty. Last week it was, "What the fuck do you mean you are terrified to drive on the freeway AND have panic attacks when you do?

So, today is Sunday. As I'm sportively laughing at you, we'll go see if we can find a section of the freeway that is not crowded, let you drive, and see if this gets better.

Dont confuse the issue side of things with un loveable.

Going back to when we met, we both had all kinds of issues. Not that those are gone now, but there was nothing that could have kept us apart.

These issues your worried about are also help to build whats called a "personality". Go out there and meet people. You'll find the one and these issues you are worried about will take a back seat.

Its a great idea. You can go out there or meet people and you will find a someone special as a friend or life partner. You can also share your feelings and experience with online dating partner.

I'm pretty sure the relationship I'm in is ending and I'm preparing myself to be single again (even though the past month its kinda felt like I already was). I don't think I'm going to try online dating, for the same reasons as you stated, I'm not able to post what I really want. To be safe with someone is such an amazing feeling and sadly you can't force that, it just happens when the right people come into contact with each other. I'm sorry to read about how alone you feel, while I know words on a forum can't wash away that pain or fill that emptiness your struggle is shared with many, you're a wonderful person and as hard as it may be to try and find joy in life, as a single person, it can be done. I say that because I've been telling myself the same, it's hard to keep that in the forefront because companionship is so vital to the human experience. I hope you can continue to reach out to other people, just as you did by posting your message, maybe find local adult meet up groups / activity groups where it's less about 'dating' but just a group of like minded, bored people, who want to get out of their house and do a thing with people.

There's a fine line between 'being happy with yourself' and that feeling of wanting companionship, try to refocus your attention and energy when you can, keep your mind busy but still allow yourself to have that cry if you need it. It's all a journey, hope this finds you well.

Layla,
I just want to say that your post was beautifully written and I wish I could give you a hug. To me, the process of vetting a new friend is daunting enough, let alone the possibility for a relationship. How do you even tell someone you crave intimacy? I wish I could let someone in when I'm feeling depressed. That must be so nice to get that comfort from another person.
Online dating seems like it would just take forever. How do you know people are being honest, and like you said, your life "resume" doesn't really say that much about your heart.
I'm friends with a woman who is an escort in that exact fashion you described. She basically hangs out with people. Of course there are guys who don't get the premise and try to push boundaries, but for the lonely people I'm sure it's a nice relief.
So I offer a virtual hug to you and hope you find someone to join you under the table. Mine has books under it so if you can't get up at least you can read!