Do I have to go back on meds?

[Herself]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 2003 after a suicide attempt and put on Celexa. Wellbutrin was added later. Celexa switched to Lexapro, then several others over the years. By the beginning of 2012, the meds had me so tired that I could literally fall asleep at any given time! I was sleeping away all of my free time and barely able to drag myself into work in the morning. Frustrated with that and tired of shelling out fifty bucks every month for the psychiatrist, I quit.

Not smart, I know. But I tapered off to avoid withdrawal. After a month or so, my energy was back and I even starting losing weight. Physically, I haven't felt this good in a long time.

Sadly, over the past month or so I've been getting weepy again and SOOOOOOO angry at everything. My job sucks and it's making me feel worse. The old feelings are coming back, and it seems like I should go back to the doctor, but hate to start the drug parade again. Nothing makes life better. My job will still suck, I'll still be ugly and lonely; do I have to be medicated forever to simply exist?

[RationalMuse]

What you are describing is so incredibly familiar. I started with meds in 1992 and spent my 20's going on and off them multiple times. I am glad you at least weaned yourself off slowly - cold turkey is SO not the way to go. I was given Seroquil about 8 years ago to add to my "magic happy cocktail" and I COULDN'T stay awake in the middle of the afternoon with a 1 yr old and a 4 yr old - thank goodness for Barbie movies! So now I take it only at bed time and a smaller dose compared to the rest of my happy pills that I take every morning.

Between 1992 - 1996, I used to go off the meds typically in the spring when the sun was out more, weather warming up, birds chirping and all that crap (remember I was ON the meds so the world was looking pretty great). Then I would feel incredibly hopeful, strong and confident that I could do it without the meds. It would take at least 6-8 weeks before the meds were actually out of my system so I'd make it most of the way through summer feeling pretty good. Then back to university or work and shorter days, less sunlight, deadlines, colder weather and absolutely no meds in my system = major depression welcome back! It would take a month or two living with increasingly severe depression before I would go back on the meds and another 6-8 weeks for the meds to kick in. Christmas was usually at the height of the depression for years. Things would level out around March, just in time for spring. Usually I would wait until the next spring to go off the meds again. That is one roller-coaster you don't want to ride!

There are so many different meds with different side effects and positive effects especially when combined. Do not settle for being exhausted all the time, but work with the shrink (aka happy pill pusher) to find your combination with the least side effects. What is the point of feeling better if you are asleep or too tired to enjoy life again? Changing the dosage, time of day you take it(with or without food) and the combination of meds takes time and it sucks - it took almost my entire first year of maternity leave to find the right combo and that was seeing my doctor just about every month. I haven't fucked with my meds since then or gone off them. That is almost 11 years ago.

Just don't beat yourself up for going off the meds - that just uselessly adds to the shit you are dealing with and you are learning about yourself the entire time. Welcome to the club.

[ether667]

I agree with RationalMuse! My good friend had anxiety in recent months expressed to his shrink that, since none of the meds that he kept trying were working, that eventually they'd run out and there wouldn't be any more options. The best thing is that the shrink assured him that there will ALWAYS be new meds and since human biology is very unique to individuals, what doesn't work for most will still work for some.

I too have those feelings being off meds. The first 2 months were fine but all it takes is a few problems that pop up to send your mind and body back into that horrible state and it seems to sustain itself when there's no chemical treatment. I've been off since September because I fell behind on my mortgage and my temp day job doesn't offer insurance so 30 days of Pristiq is $140 with ALL the discounts I can find.