I went off my meds for a few days...

[Jose]

This morning I started out the day with my jolly mantra of "I want to kill myself." I always know I'm in trouble when I say it out loud, it's usually because of some self defeating thought I have bumping around in my head. I cringe when I think of someone overhearing me say that out loud, the tone in my voice, like I really want to do it. The truth is, I never want to do it. I've fantasized about it to the high heavens but have never made a plan. I just know that life has too much in store for me. If I could make it through high school hell, I can manage this. My life is easy and I think that's why I'm always berating myself, for not doing enough, earning enough, BEING enough. So when I caught myself in that suicidal slip I knew I had to take my medicine after plain forgetting for a few days ( too much pot ).

I take celexa, and right now it's really effecting me physically. I guess 3 days is enough for the body to withdrawl from it and now I'm growing accustomed again. It's really uncomfortable. I just want to take a nap, but I have the whole day ahead of me! I have a kind of head rush that you get when there's too much nicotine in your system, and my body is sort of vibrating all over, but it's unpleasant. I guess it's a learning lesson that if I don't want to feel like this, ( or feel depressed ) then I have to take these on a DAILY BASIS! It's a struggle I've had with my meds ever since I started taking them in my late teens. You have one day where things are looking up, you're having fun, so you sidestep the meds. More often than not, that feeling doesn't continue into the next day, so you have to be accountable to yourself and take these things NO MATTER HOW YOU"RE FEELING, it's like a down payment on your future mental health. I've had a real issue with only taking meds when I feel down or anxious, and throwing them out the window when I'm up and happy. Paul's show is in fact a really good support system for staying on meds. I'm aware that he's on celexa as well and has dealt with plaguing suicidal thoughts for DECADES, but this drug has really helped him and he knows he needs to stay on it. I trust his advice based on experience alone, he's twice my age and listening to his show I've learned that THIS THING DOESN'T STOP. It's a chemical imbalance and you have to do something about it if you want to LIVE YOUR LIFE. It's been a real rocky road, but I'm so grateful for people like Paul and my aunts when I was younger who enforced how important this stuff is. I'm happy to have a place to let this all out, because quite frankly most people in my life simply don't understand. I feel better already!