Anyone there?
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 9:56 pm
I'm fairly certain I dissociate very frequently but do not have a strong hold on recognizing it and therefore I don't think my therapists have either. Its a word I've heard in offices once or twice but never explored with a professional, that I can recall, of course. To therapists I've always been a bipolar/borderline hard to treat patient and, of course, exposed to random pharmaceutical guinea pig treatment and traumatic hospital experiences which only lead to a hell of a lot more problems. I am no longer under any professional care (going on 6 months), considering taking it up again before I end up dead or in prison for some bullshit I don't feel like I actually took any part in. I am not optimistic about finding anyone in my local area helpful, but I suppose its time to try again. I am in dire need of information, apparently, because I spent years educating myself about bipolar and borderline and its just not fucking adding up. I do swing between hypomania (apx 1-4 weeks) and depression (apx 2-6 months) and do identify with all of the BPD DSM criteria. I know dissociation is associated with my diagnoses but not a whole hell of a lot else. My short stints of research left me seriously wondering when the fuck I was raped as a chid and by who and hoping to fucking god I don't ever remember it, for everyones safety, like the 23 year old girl I meet in treatment once who had just suddenly remembered that her father had raped her throughout her youth and no one would believe her. I do feel like I am growing and learning sometimes but then there are other times when I am entirely out of control for sometimes months, then pretend like the whole thing didnt happen anyway because I don't feel like that was me, so why dwell on it when I need to move forward? Meanwhile I feel there is someone screaming back in my mind to be let loose and I am not looking forward to the day where I let my gaurds down and she comes out to attack.
I'm no dr, but I do have dissociative personality. What you describe doesn't sound like what I experience. Since you are bipolar, to me, it sounds like you may be experiencing dissociating with a manic episode. No matter the reason, I know that loosing time is REALLY confusing and scary and anxiety producing! I have also heard of people having psychotic episodes during manic episodes, maybe it's something like this. In any case I really think that you should go see your psychiatrist because finding some meds will help. I don't want to seem preachy but I hate to hear you in pain. Just like diabetics need insulin to keep their blood sugar level, those of us with mental illness sometimes need meds to keep our brain level. I'm really sorry about the memories that are coming up, that must be especially hard to deal with, so please make sure you get support.