YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My therapist just today confirmed that I have DD episodes. I was wondering what it feels like for other people. For me, it feels like I'm playing one of those first-person-shooter games, where I can see my hands and the things around me, but it's like I'm watching it through a screen.

Hi,

I seem to have variations, I have a bad one at Christmas when I saw my parents (a trigger), I remember my emotional focus (I can only describe it as this) becoming smaller and smaller like the aperture on a camera. I could see everything but I could only focus on specific areas and not everything as a whole. I sat with some of my family who surrounded me, preventing my parents getting close, and I could only concentrate on my cousin's mouth as she talked to me. I think this was just to keep conscious, as I thought I may totally black out.

The other day I saw my mother shopping so I decided just to leave the store, as I left I felt again I was blacking out but not enough to totally become overwhelming like the previous Christmas. This time is was more on a whole and I was more aware of my surroundings. I drove home as was explaining to my daughter what was happening and I knew what was happening but this was more subtle although unsettling.

This is the first time I have had to explain this and it is quite difficult.

Depersonalization for me feels like I am watching a movie. I do not feel any part of my body. My mind wanders, but I see and feel absolutely nothing. Nothing makes me feel better until the episode passes. After it passes, I can recognize and remember what was going on around me. But I am completely unaware of anything while it is occurring.

It feels like I'm floating along side my body. I can't focus on anything or think, and sometimes during an episode, I won't be able to focus on anything visually. I feel a complete disconnect from the world and the people around me. I can't carry conversations or process information. I feel dead and empty. I used to use cutting as a way to snap myself out of it, and occasionally if it's really bad I still do. Most of the time I really struggle to remember the things I do and experience in that state. I don't black out, I just... block out, I guess.

Desolation. It feels a little strange because I don't feel anything and things don't really have meaning. I feel completely alone during these periods and notice the futility in everything. There's a stillness to it that is both soothing and a little unnerving at the same time. I don't know what to think about these episodes really. It kinda just happens from time to time.

I was dx'd for DPDR last summer, but I suspect it's something I've struggled with for much longer.

For me, depersonalizing feels like my entire sensory experience shrinking down to one of my body parts. For instance, walking down the street and feeling like "a floating pair of eyes", laying in bed with depression and feeling like "just a pair of lungs breathing in and out", etc. etc.

Sometimes it's my heartbeat, other times my knee shuddering, but you get the idea. I describe it to other people like being under a glass dome with vaseline smeared on. Sounds are duller, my head feels cottony-- sometimes my mouth falls open and my tongue dries out. Usually I'm vaguely aware of my thoughts.

I can tell when an episode is starting to set in because my eyes unfocus and everything goes blurry.