YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

How do we change people's preconceptions about alcoholism/addiction? (or deal with them)

Maybe this is more of a venting opportunity for me, but lately I have actually become so enraged by the stupid shit people say regarding addicts and addiction, while having NO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with it, that I sometimes am actually beside myself with anger. I don't understand how someone who comes from a home where nobody drinks, and has no personal relationship now with anyone who drinks or uses drugs to a damaging level, can possibly think it is realistic for them to have any opinion on the topic whatsoever. Yet, I hear people like this constantly running their mouth about these issues they know nothing about.

What does it take for us to increase awareness of the dynamics of addiction for people. I believe it should be damn obvious that addiction springs from mental distress, family dynamics, and family history.

I am actually so angry about a particular incidence of this happening that it's hard for me to maintain the value I had for a particular friendship. I feel, if this person has known me and my family this long and says dismissive things about addiction, like that it doesn't mimic disease patterns (ie. remission, relapse), that AA is a crock of shit (how would she know) etc., then it feels personally offensive and dismissive toward me and my family, and plain wrong and ignorant.

This person also happens to be in the medical field, and it makes me kind of sick to think that that sort of attitude is possibly going to affect treatment of people with addiction problems.

Knowing what my family has gone through, getting the generational perspective, and realizing how the patterns evolve, it seems so fucking simple to me how this thing gets started and what destruction it holds for families, and how it is perpetuated....it's just downright ridiculous to me that people can't see that.

I want to tell her, you try growing up with alcoholics, being abused, having no resources, little schooling, no hope, undiagnosed mental health problems and see how you fare with substance abuse. Then tell me it isn't anything to do with mental illness.

I just have so much bile!

Gah.

Anyone else relate to the frustration of having to deal with people's ignorance in these matters?

cyanidebreathmint wrote:I am actually so angry about a particular incidence of this happening that it's hard for me to maintain the value I had for a particular friendship. I feel, if this person has known me and my family this long and says dismissive things about addiction, like that it doesn't mimic disease patterns (ie. remission, relapse), that AA is a crock of shit (how would she know) etc., then it feels personally offensive and dismissive toward me and my family, and plain wrong and ignorant.

This person also happens to be in the medical field, and it makes me kind of sick to think that that sort of attitude is possibly going to affect treatment of people with addiction problems.

These are a strange set of things for a medical professional to say, that I would guess she is motivated by a perverse sense of importance to be "brave" enough to hold these views, when she would blanch if she had to treat such people with the same success rate as an addiction medicine specialist, or else be sued for malpractice. When people speak from a place of ego, they act like jackasses, medical professional or not.

Sorry you have to endure this. All the best, take care.

thanks moe. i was feeling a mighty rage.

i think sometimes that indicates that you are going through the pains of growing apart from people. or the pains of having ideals or developing ideals that are not reflected in your world.

It's interesting that I bumped into this posting since I am struggling with a person close to me who came out as an alcoholic 2 months ago. I am the first to admit I am ignorant on this subject. I am the first to admit I have some pretty big judgements and stereotypes on addiction. I also believe I have to say these things out loud otherwise my head will explode from the anxiety and anger I feel. I broke it off with my boyfriend (we are both in our early 50s) 9 months ago...not because of addiction, as I did not know at the time, but because of his behavior. He was becoming more and more negative, depressed, angry, annoying AND I he was treating his sleeping problems with sleeping pills and vodka. I spent many months trying to help this man; referring to doctors, bringing his friends into it, talking, endless talking. And demanding he help himself. I was so scared he would die from the combination of pills/vodka. But everything was met with resistance and anger and denial. So, I walked. And that is when his true unraveling started. He admitted to his drinking, slowly but surely, the truth came out of the extent of his nightly drinking. How did i not know? Because for most of our relationship we lived several hours apart and visited on weekenda. That and it wasn't like I was looking for signs of addiction.

So this story is merely a set up to how I too have problems with the disease theory, and how I am supposed to go to Al-Anon because of HIS "disease". I find his unwillingness to have shared with me such an intimate part of himself so terribly self centered and cowardly; he took away my right to make an decision to support him or not. He took away my confidence that I could trust my instincts. After finding out, I spent 6 weeks in a rage hating this man, not because he has an addiction but because he lied, and lied and lied. He lied about his drinking, he lied about why he always had headaches, and insomnia, he lied about so much because he knew it was not something he should be doing. This lying has made me off centered and anxious, because I was seeing one thing and being told another.

I am just beginning to educate myself. I have not walked in his shoes, I do not claim to have a clue how it feels to be addicted to that extent. A long time ago I had serious postpartum depression, so I absolutely do know what crippling depression is like. But I did not drink or take drugs to erase the pain. Eventually I took antidepressants, but damn, when the doctors told me to cut out any drinking, it was like, ok. No prob.

Now ex-boyfriend is in AA and I am somewhat reluctantly going to Al-Anon. Everyone tells me that we should spend very little time together until we both have solid program time invested. It's interesting, because as I am just beginning to be able to view him again with love and a sense of hope, the entire community says...stay away.

Anyway, I am posting this, because I really like what you had to say Cyanide, your honesty and rage is a language I understand. Perhaps, we are two sides of the same coin.

With compassion (and still a bit of rage)

Paula

I too grew up with alcoholics. It's not a fun ride for kids, that I can say.
My father did get treatment, went to rehab and has been in recovery for just over 17 yrs.
My mother has severe food additions. Sounds odd I know but I saw it every day and it is not only what I learned, it is what I also became. Once my doctor mentioned to me she thouught i was beginning to head down a dangerous road, i slowed down. No more drug.. And only a bit of drinking but i was in my 20's so 2 nights a week wasn't too bad.. Until the black outs started, the hangovers were so bad i would be back and forth from my bed to bathroom for a week and my behaviour was terrible. It is awful to look back and think - god i was such an asshole or i wish i could remember anything!!!! It was so odd because i was so hyper aware about alcoholism I thought no way will that be me. Yet there I was. So I stopped. Yep done. No problem for 8 year.
It was so easy because I had just switched to food. We need food to live. Our cultures revolve around it, events, social gatherings, meet me for lunch? Dinner and a movie? Go for coffee and a bagel, treat day at work, etc etc....
We have to eat so no one noticed when I gradually gained over 100 lbs in 3 years. Not even me.
I still struggle with food - but mostly just sugar. Again - just don't eat that or just don't eat anything with sugar.
People don't get it. Addiction isnot a choice. It is a disease and more often than not a symptom of pain. it can be humiliating, embarrassing, cause addicts shame and go against all of their core beliefs.
It grabs us and before we know it we are being controlled by it. When we think ok THIS time I'm all over you - you can't get again...but relapse is such a reality. It is scary and a life journey. The more help, the earlier help and the more families that can be educated the more peaceful and open we can be about talking and forgiving.

Sorry I meant to add that I can understand the frustration towards others ignorance regarding additiction. Mostly I am very happy for them as they have not had to deal with an alcoholic family member or are an addict themselves or at least havent admitted to it.
People - no matter how close they are to us- will deliver opinions and judgements we don't like and vice versa. However if something has personally insulted me, I tend to take the probing question approach....
Oh you say AA is a crock. Why is that? What your personal experience? Or regarding addiction as a choice - so what makes one to choose to be an addict over being sober.. I may ask..ok and are you comfortable sharing your personal experiences with addicts in your family? It is usually oh I see Sally said to Charlie and you are repeating something you don't understand and are passing judgement following a public stigma.
Depending on the person I may share some of my experiences. I can tell you even my sisters have been shocked and good friends who knew our family history. If someone has not walked in your shoes, they will not understand feel the experiences of your journey.
Just talk to them - tell them how you feel. Everyone has the right to a voice, opinion and a feeling especially when they differ.

Thanks, all, for the responses.

I read them all, and they were valuable.

Regarding this, I haven't really come far, I guess. I still have a lot of anger, but I've now started going to al anon and will hopefully grow and learn how to manage my emotions surrounding these things and I will learn how to...just...function.

Until recently, I didn't really know how much alcoholism and addiction affected me, but it's really shaped me and been a big part of my life, the forming of my personality, and my need to control others opinions. (heh)

Al Anon is a real eye opener. I was pretty surprised, and I feel a bit stupid for not trying before, but I probably wasn't ready for it. Someone in my group said they'd never experienced a healthy relationship before going to Al Anon, and I know I fit into that category. It's really the desperation to be understood and accepted that makes me and people like me kind of insane, I think. That's the source of a ton of the anger.

I have a family member right now who is living on the streets and who is diagnosed with cancer and still drinking daily. I'm fairly certain he will die like this. My father basically died pretty similarly. A friend of his said he was too broke for his medication he needed to stay healthy, but his house strewn with liquor bottles and weed when he died, so you can see where the priorities were. I guess I spend a lot of time feeling like I am utterly alone, and I feel like I've been abandoned by every person I've known and cared about, especially family, and that people don't understand. But Al Anon people get it, and without that weekly meeting, I'd be way more fucked up right about now.

I'm new, and don't know exactly what the rules are with anonymity. I think it's fine, cuz I'm pretty anonymous here, and plus I'm a nobody. I dunno, they got this lone wolf, staunch atheist to dig it and that seems like quite the feat. Nothing is really shoved down your throat, and the saying is "take what you like and leave the rest", so what's there to argue against? Anyway, I endorse Al Anon. heh.

I tried to read the book but My adhd diagnose make it booring to read books.
After a few years i found Allen carrs audiobook. I listened to it 3-4 times and now I have been totalt nicotinefree for about 1 year. I was in nicotineaddiction for about 17 years. Tried to quit many times with patches and gums.

all of my life, i've been attached to someone addicted to alcohol. it's not fun at all, especially when i was still a kid, my friends can't come over my place because they are afraid of my father drunkenness. So i grow up as an outcast. I hated him for a long time. But i realize, people dealing with addictions is the one who are need someone to rely on to. They are troubled and lonely deep inside their core.