YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Listening to several mental illness podcasts, I'm yearning for someone to come on and speak about sex addiction. I myself do not have this addiction and am confused as to what it actually entails. My boyfriend refers to himself as a sex addict but one that is addicted to having sex with solely one person. I know that this compulsive behavior goes deeper than just the act of sex. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this type of addiction and find ways to help him in any way possible. I'm reaching out to anyone out there that currently is battling sex addiction, is like me and trying to mend a relationship that has been destroyed by sex addiction, or anyone knowledgeable about the topic. All thoughts are appreciated and welcomed as hopefully we can all get something out of it.

When i have a bit more time in the next day or so, i will add my perspective as a recovering sex addict. I hope i can be of help to you

I look forward to it!

is he able to go without any type of sexual activity for a day or two? does he feel the need to have sex with you or masturbate alone on a daily basis?

Sexual addiction can manifest in many ways. It could be to pornography, talking about sexual acts and thoughts on a regular basis especially in settings inappropriate to the topic, wanting sex as much as possible foregoing regular daily activities to satisfy the desire, etc.

Like any addiction, a person wants to fill an empty void with something that either brings pleasure or comforts/blocks out pain or negative feelings and emotions. With sex addiction, I was trying to solve my loneliness, frustration, and depression by going into the depths of online pornography, chat rooms, etc. I would wake up in the morning and go online for a few hours to look/watch and go into seedy, scummy chat rooms. I would pass up food just because i felt the need to satisfy my desires. Before I knew it, it was early afternoon and I'd only have an hour or two to eat, get cleaned up and dressed, and rush my errands before going to work. I wasted so much time obssessing over sex, feeling good, and pornography that I lost out on valuable time to find better jobs, finish my graduate thesis, and get myself healthy/in shape. Back in 2005-2007, there were times I would call in sick to work not only because I didn't want to be there, but so I could frequent adult stores, theaters, massage parlors, strip clubs, or hook up with people i met online. It was so destructive and I wasted so much money over the years.

I was so addicted to sex and pornography that I would keep pushing boundaries, just seeing how much was out there and what depraved acts could be easily found on the internet. It ended badly with legal problems and such. I went through a counseling program for sex offenders and have come out a better person. Mentally, I'm in a better place. Sure, i still struggle with temptation, but I am not in a place where sex and sex related things dominate my life. I learned to deal with why I let myself fall so far. I learned how to fulfill physical desires without harming myself (exercise, yardwork, reading, volunteering at church, etc). It will be something I will deal with my entire life but I know that I can deal with my failures and shortcomings, only by the grace of God.


I hope this sheds a sliver of light on sex addiction and what people deal with. I suggest looking for books on dealing with sex addiction at the local library. there are good resources out there and perhaps a visit with some sort of counselor or mentor could help if your boyfriend shows any symptoms like I described or what you may read about in articles/books. Feel free to send me a message with any further questions. Cheers and God Bless.


A.P.

AP thank you so much for your post. I'm glad to hear you are doing well and have come a long way. You give me hope. I'm not sure where my boyfriend fits into all of this. I think this will be a personal journey for him and when he is ready to fully share with me, I'll be here. I do know that his sex addiction (if he has one) is covering up pain in his life and is also filling a void that he has had since childhood. We'll see where this all goes. I think therapy is a start and I am hopeful. Thanks again for sharing.

Hi Jlz,

I identify as a sex addict. My compulsive behavior includes: viewing endless hours of pornography while masturbating, paying for sex, going to strip clubs, phone sex.

It definitely use sexual pleasure as a coping mechanism for avoiding uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anxiety, anger, fear.

All I can say is this is a real thing for me personally. I have been getting help for the past 4 years through support groups and therapy. I also have a girlfriend who I have been opening up to more these past 6 years we have been together. There have been tough times between the two of use because of my sexual addiction, but we have definitely been getting closer through my own work and slowly opening up to her more and more.

You seem like a very supportive partner and my hope is that your partner seeks help when he feels ready to. I am really impressed with your acceptance of waiting for him to fully share with you.

It was difficult for me to open up with my partner because of the deep shame associated with sexual addiction.

I wish you and your partner the best.

I am a sex addict I would say that based of spending the weekend thus far in front of the computer masturbating to pornography. Because I take sertraline I am finding it difficult or impossible to climax. I stop when I am physically exhausted. Since I have multiple sclerosis this is not a good thing. I am 47 years old and have not been in a relationship for over 15 years. Yes I should get help but I have a full-time job that for me can be psychologically taxing.

Elmer68

I should add that I am not trying to 'one up' anyone on this matter. When I think about this I feel pitiful. I am a 47 year old male who has not idea about how to have a relationship with or sexually satisfy a woman. I try to escape from this reality by masturbating to online pornography for hours on end. I have spent countless dollars on strip clubs and prostitutes. Yes, I have a problem

Elmer68