YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My shrink gave me Ativan. That is the drug that makes me fall down the slippery slope of addictive brain pathways. I didn't tell him about the first shrink I saw who said if I wanted to be happy to take speed and handed out bottles and bottles of Ativan to me at 16. I didn't tell him how that led into more and more benzos, and pain killers, and alcohol, etc. I thought I could handle just 14 pills a week. It has been a long time since I've gone down this road but I guess I'm stuck. Within 2 days I'm out because that spaced feeling feels nice. Get upset - take a pill. Sobbing because of depression - take a pill. Bored - take a pill. I didn't tell him because as soon as it became an option my brain went "wheeeeeeeeeee!"

I don't understand how I can handle any other benzo responsibly but put Ativan (which isn't even that long lasting) in front of me and I start to fall. I drank on Wednesday and Thursday. Ironically because I went to a mental health support club and became a member. It just made me feel worse because I found the whole organization so random. When I get anxious I hide behind structure, and order, and my intelligence. I shove my feelings down and start talking with words like "mandate" and other such policy wank.

All weekend I've been fighting driving to my dealer's house. My friend. Who can give me the pain meds I want. I feel like a failure. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle anxiety + addiction + PTSD + depression. I find myself having just one drink a day. Like I can control it.

And I know what I'm doing. I'm medicating because of the pain I'm feeling lately. Just out of being in the hospital against my will. Trying to deal with my screwed up family history. Trying to deal with trauma. Tired of it all. Tired of fighting the constant negative thinking in my head. Tired of doing every single thing that I need to do to do it right. Exercising, socializing, seeking help, journaling, eating well, fighting insomnia with a pure sleep hygiene schedule, using my SAD therapy lamp, taking vitamin D, making sure I take my meds on time. Crap! I just get so tired of it and want to disappear into vodka again. And I'm smarter than this. I know what I'm doing. I just don't want to feel anymore. I'm tired of crying every day.

I don't know why I'm posting here. Probably so someone in the world at least has witness to my slip downward. I quit on my own the last time and I just don't know if I have the strength to do it this time.

I wish I knew how to help in situations involving addiction. Please take care. You deserve to be well taken care of - you have immense human value.

It's been a while since you posted this and I sadly just saw it. I hope you're feeling any better then you were before.
It's overwhelming, all the things you have to do to just keep on going. It's tiring, I know. It's so easy to slip back into old habits when it feels like too much to deal with it. I call the feeling wanting to turn off my brain.
Sometimes taking a step back away from everything, re-evaluate your life on your own terms. Decide what things you want to concentrate on and what things can take a back seat for a while. Being in a support club or support group is a fantastic thing as well but maybe you're not ready to start that yet, it's all up to you. I know I tend to start having these kinds of problems when I'm trying to avoid something else in my life so I obsess with all the things I Should be doing to get better. You just want to be done with everything and be "normal". Turn everything off.
I won't say exactly what my drugs of choice were, but I will say that I know how easy it is to overwhelmed by the relief you get in them. But like you said, you're smarter then that. And you don't have to do it alone. I know, I know, it sounds cheesy as hell. But it's true. You're worth it.

Thanks Leif and manuel. You really struck home Leif about my avoiding something. My therapist agrees. I've been running around keeping myself busy, playing on the edge of addiction to just avoid myself. To not know something that needs to be known. I even see myself doing and acknowledge it but keep doing it.

I ended up going to a D.A.R. meeting (like AA but for people with psych problems too). My first. It was uncomfortable and awkward but kind of comforting. It is my first support group and I found myself nodding as others spoke. I've gone back one more time and found the same experience. Haven't been brave enough to speak up myself but just knowing that others operate out of fear was a relief. I've struggled trying to fit into support groups for a long time and always rejected them. It was odd and slightly comforting to be in a place where others semi felt the same.

I opened up to my doctor about Ativan being my "gateway" drug and he reduced my prescription and scheduled a follow-up to see how I'm doing with it as it is the only benzo that really is working lately.

Kanata-
I applaud you for recognizing and even being WILLING to recognize those things. It takes a lot of courage to be able to admit your weaknesses to others and yourself. It seems like things might be moving in a 'healthier' direction since you first posted, but one thing I was wondering is- Do you think you try to involve yourself in the structure, therapeutic things, basically that whole list of stuff you mentioned in your first post- in order to reassure yourself that "Hey, I'm functional because I'm doing ________. My dependency on alcohol or Benzos, etc must not be TOO bad". Idk if I'm making sense? I think what I'm asking is if it might be a way to justify the using/drinking? Like a 'functional alcohol' might think.

I'm pretty good at avoiding my problems in ways that aren't helpful to me. In the past I struggled w/ecstasy. After that I avoided through working like crazy, focusing too much on helping others, etc.. The avoidance is definitely a tricky road to navigate! In any case, it's awesome you gave those groups a chance. I think that diving into groups similar to AA can be way helpful because they make you want to hold yourself more accountable, because other people are counting on you/looking up to you, etc. Plus it kind of drills the idea/habit of sobriety into your head. Best of luck and try to not be too hard on yourself
-Jamous-

Btw, when you mentioned the comment about saying things like "mandated" I really did laugh out loud! Thanks for that