YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Alcoholism and drug abuse are common in my family. Mostly alcoholism.

I am struggling so hard with not knowing if I am an alcoholic or not. I didn't drink until I was 22, and only drank a few times a year until age 35. Then I discovered a single beer I enjoyed and pretty much since then I've drunk alcohol 4-6 days per week. Beer, mostly, because wine gives me headaches. I fit so many of the criteria. I buy beer with the highest ABV I can find. I drink as soon as I wake up on the weekends. I get anxious when I don't have any beer at home. Opening a beer is the first thing I do when I get home from work.

Over the past month I've seriously cut down and have only been drinking on the weekends. Except for right now, oops. I had to go to the store after work to get cat food, and I picked up a six pack.

I feel like my drinking is out of control and keeps me from doing some things I need to be doing. My doctor said anything over 7 drinks per week is a warning sign of an addiction or increased chance of health problems. I think for most of the past four years I've had at least 20 beers per week, and the occasional wine/mixed drink.

The part that is eating up my brain is that none of this started until I was 35. Before that, I was able to drink occasionally and never had any cravings or blackouts or even hangovers. Then suddenly, I'm hooked. If addiction is a brain problem, why did it not appear before I was 35? If I'm honestly an alcoholic, I'll quit and go to AA meetings and give it up forever. But if I'm not actually an alcoholic, I don't want to! If I was able to drink occasionally/socially for 13 years, how could that suddenly change if addiction is a brain problem?

I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I don't understand why this happened so late in my life if it's a genetic predisposition.

I should add that when I don't have alcohol available, I still have a gigantic craving to get fucked up/altered in some other way. Ambien, mostly. I don't do any illicit drugs except for pot (and that's rarely). I wasn't like this before I was 35. Maybe it took until age 35 to discover that self-medicating can give me some relief for a while? I don't know. I don't fucking know. *sigh*

Hey buddy,
Just my personal opinion here, but it sounds like you might be an addict.
Couple things I wanted to address:

"I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I don't understand why this happened so late in my life if it's a genetic predisposition." It happened because drugs are addictive. It's not a personality defect in you. It's not your fault. And you are not alone. There are myriad reasons why addiction could happen later in life instead of earlier. Cut yourself some slack here.

I can't stress enough how much of a personal opinion this is, but I can only speak from experience here: You're not going to be able to stop unless you want to stop. That's how it's been for me whenever I've quit something (alcohol, cigarettes, eating meat). That being said, even after really really wanting to stop drinking, I found myself unable to. Alcohol, for me, was far and away the most difficult thing I've ever given up. I had to get help. I picked up Alan Carr's book about controlling alcohol and it really appealed to something in me that made me see alcohol in our society in a different light. I'd definitely recommend it, especially if you're not a religious person as AA tends to be a little heavy on the Christ stuff. But get help if you need it. I can't stress that enough.

It's fucking hard man. Quitting is really hard. But you aren't alone and your addiction is not your fault.

Hey Nevina,

Here's a little test that might work for you. Can you simultaneously control AND enjoy your drinking? If you can't then you might want to explore that.

I'll be thinking of you.

That last question got me.

I usually drink on the weekends, but now I have a drink or two (or even three) during the weekdays. For me, it's calming the edginess of coming home to a house full of kids who didn't put their bookbags away, who have to get to sports, who are bickering, etc.

I have been drinking to make my struggles in life go away.

Last night, my husband said he told me about something - and I didn't remember, still don't. So, if that's the case, I'm got a problem.

So, I'm done - at least til Friday? I might be in denial, but I maybe I'm not. I am going to just go day by day. I never thought about it being an issue until today.

Nevina - I'm 39 - and I thought the same things... You aren't alone - you've got me. PM if you want to chat more. Hugs.