Alcoholism, addiction and the toes that get stepped on.
Posted: May 9th, 2013, 10:07 pm
I've spent the majority of my life running from my emotions, rationalizing my character defects, and running from the results and impact those defects have on other people.
Often I'll impose my will and my ideas on other people. It's as if I've sub-consciously decided what other people need to do in order to make their life better, but in actuality, it's what I need them to do to make ME feel better. I will manipulate people in a very passive-aggressive manner to achieve these needs and expectations. When I don't get the desired results to my expectations, I get angry, depressed and full of self-pity. Not to mention the effect is has on my self esteem.
A big fear of mine is asking for what I really want and advocating for myself. These, I think, are the underlying fears of my biggest fear: rejection. The fear of rejection is what prevents me from engaging with women I'm attracted to, asking people I'm interested in to be friends, asking my family for help, asking my employer for more challenging positions and pay increases, etc. These are some of the major areas I feel insufficient. There are so many other very similar fears I experience, but I can't think of them all.
These fears breed a lot of resentments. At the surface, it appears to be a resentment aimed at a specific person or situation. While these resentments are festering inside of me, I tend to lash out at other people. I shut down emotionally and obsess on the resentment. At the core -I've realized- these types of resentments have very little to do with the people I've attached the resentment to, but more so, to do with my inability to advocate for myself in those situations.
In the past, I would stuff my emotions tied to the resentments I felt in those situations. Using drugs, alcohol, (misusing) anti-depressants, compulsively overeating, anger, isolation, compulsive spending, moving (the quick "fixes" continue ad nauseam). If there is something I can use, do or say to avoid just sitting there and feeling my emotions, I will do that instead.
A very familiar scene of me replays in my head: I'm isolated, drunk off a couple bottles of cheap 7-11 wine (is it redundant to say cheap and 7-11?), high on prozac, eating ice cream, TV blaring; I'm 300 lbs. Miserable. But, at this moment, I probably felt as content as I'd felt that entire day. No one had to see my fat, miserable self. I wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes that night. No new enemies. Just me, my drink, Ben and Jerry and the TV; this was bliss. Can you believe that?
I used to pray to die in my sleep.
Digging a little deeper, I've started to realize my fear is of people. I fear my assumption of their perception of me. I fear their reaction (or inaction) to me. I fear the potential for disagreement, and my potential for an irrational reaction to all of that. I fear a potential confrontation because I lack a the skills to have healthy interpersonal relationships and discussions.
I'm not this person anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half, I've lost a 100 lbs and I can now stand to look at myself in the mirror. I no longer pray to die in my sleep. I can identify my emotions and express them- sometimes even in a sane manner, sometimes I'm still a little neurotic, and sometimes I'm still just plain insane. Either way, I know I'll be ok. Sitting through a wave of -what seem like- new emotions, unanesthetized, is one of the hardest things for me to do. Each time I do it, I get stronger. I can now advocate for myself. It's still unbelievably scary, but I do it. I do it because I don't like the pain associated with the resentments I get, and, I don't like the compulsive behaviors the resentments breed.
I never used to ask for help.
Thanks to 12 step programs, therapy and podcasts like MIHH, I've found a power greater than myself. I've learned a new way of viewing life, and myself. I'm less fearful of all the "what if's" that used to debilitate me. I now have people in my life- people that aren't obligated by blood to be in my life. I have friends I can call on and count on, now. Life isn't perfect, by any means, but I'll take where I'm at now over any period of time in my life drinking, drugging, and all that other shit.
If you're struggling with life and addictions, I understand. Just know it's possible to recover. I'm recovered and a year and a half ago I would have never thought it possible.
Anyone up for talking about a solution?
Often I'll impose my will and my ideas on other people. It's as if I've sub-consciously decided what other people need to do in order to make their life better, but in actuality, it's what I need them to do to make ME feel better. I will manipulate people in a very passive-aggressive manner to achieve these needs and expectations. When I don't get the desired results to my expectations, I get angry, depressed and full of self-pity. Not to mention the effect is has on my self esteem.
A big fear of mine is asking for what I really want and advocating for myself. These, I think, are the underlying fears of my biggest fear: rejection. The fear of rejection is what prevents me from engaging with women I'm attracted to, asking people I'm interested in to be friends, asking my family for help, asking my employer for more challenging positions and pay increases, etc. These are some of the major areas I feel insufficient. There are so many other very similar fears I experience, but I can't think of them all.
These fears breed a lot of resentments. At the surface, it appears to be a resentment aimed at a specific person or situation. While these resentments are festering inside of me, I tend to lash out at other people. I shut down emotionally and obsess on the resentment. At the core -I've realized- these types of resentments have very little to do with the people I've attached the resentment to, but more so, to do with my inability to advocate for myself in those situations.
In the past, I would stuff my emotions tied to the resentments I felt in those situations. Using drugs, alcohol, (misusing) anti-depressants, compulsively overeating, anger, isolation, compulsive spending, moving (the quick "fixes" continue ad nauseam). If there is something I can use, do or say to avoid just sitting there and feeling my emotions, I will do that instead.
A very familiar scene of me replays in my head: I'm isolated, drunk off a couple bottles of cheap 7-11 wine (is it redundant to say cheap and 7-11?), high on prozac, eating ice cream, TV blaring; I'm 300 lbs. Miserable. But, at this moment, I probably felt as content as I'd felt that entire day. No one had to see my fat, miserable self. I wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes that night. No new enemies. Just me, my drink, Ben and Jerry and the TV; this was bliss. Can you believe that?
I used to pray to die in my sleep.
Digging a little deeper, I've started to realize my fear is of people. I fear my assumption of their perception of me. I fear their reaction (or inaction) to me. I fear the potential for disagreement, and my potential for an irrational reaction to all of that. I fear a potential confrontation because I lack a the skills to have healthy interpersonal relationships and discussions.
I'm not this person anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half, I've lost a 100 lbs and I can now stand to look at myself in the mirror. I no longer pray to die in my sleep. I can identify my emotions and express them- sometimes even in a sane manner, sometimes I'm still a little neurotic, and sometimes I'm still just plain insane. Either way, I know I'll be ok. Sitting through a wave of -what seem like- new emotions, unanesthetized, is one of the hardest things for me to do. Each time I do it, I get stronger. I can now advocate for myself. It's still unbelievably scary, but I do it. I do it because I don't like the pain associated with the resentments I get, and, I don't like the compulsive behaviors the resentments breed.
I never used to ask for help.
Thanks to 12 step programs, therapy and podcasts like MIHH, I've found a power greater than myself. I've learned a new way of viewing life, and myself. I'm less fearful of all the "what if's" that used to debilitate me. I now have people in my life- people that aren't obligated by blood to be in my life. I have friends I can call on and count on, now. Life isn't perfect, by any means, but I'll take where I'm at now over any period of time in my life drinking, drugging, and all that other shit.
If you're struggling with life and addictions, I understand. Just know it's possible to recover. I'm recovered and a year and a half ago I would have never thought it possible.
Anyone up for talking about a solution?