Against Meds

[ArmyOfMe80]

First of all, because I can't afford it. But even if I could, I think I would still be against it. This is absolutely no offense or judgment of people who use them, by the way. If that is the way for you, and you swear by it, then I applaud you and cheer you on. If you did a commercial for your anti-depressant, I would co-star in it as your friend, telling the camera how it has done wonders for you as it fades to a scene of you walking your dog. Okay? But for MYSELF, personally it isn't the answer.

I really should be more vigilant. I really need to be treating this like a total disease. I should be strictly monitoring my diet, sunshine, endorphins, how much fresh air and water I get, my thoughts, etc. But I really don't.

I have been having a hard time with work because I am so tired there. I muster up just enough energy to do that. And anticipate my days off. Then when I have days off, I sleep too long. If I get up and get dressed, it is often late in the day. I did good today, I put eyeliner on.
But here is the other thing about my days off, it allows the negative thoughts to creep in. Yeah I could stay busy but I am too tired. It is as if every cell in my body knows damn well I don't have any obligations. So I can't even trick myself into doing much more than going to work and my most base obligations around the house.

Here is a question for those of you who are doing well: What are your techniques for keeping yourself on track?
What daily rituals do you use to keep your thoughts healthy? Are there certain things you AVOID?

Examples: Gratitude list? Prayer? Exercise? Meditation? Certain affirmations?

I can actually tell you one thing I try to avoid: comment boards of any kind online. The underlying theme of all of them is shame. Shaming someone for their opinion, attacking them personally for that opinion, etc. I don't even like the positive ones. The ones that get 20 likes or something. And its some generic comment like "God bless, I wish that person all the best." I almost feel like their life is that empty they need up say something super generic and agreeable, just for likes or thumbs ups. That is probably a fucked up point of view but oh well. Haha
I feel so "blah" and pathetic after being sucked in by public comment boards of any kind. That is one of my personal tips.

I haven't been taking care of myself recently. I am very tired and my thoughts are slipping. And it is so subtle how it happens that I often barely realize it. Today I was reading an article about a terminally ill 29-year-old who is moving to Oregon to kill herself on November 1. I found myself getting jealous of her and thinking suicide, for any reason, should be a right in every state. Just because we want to. And also, because I feel like she is surrounded by love and I'm not. (I will admit my heart is very closed off to letting love in and I just attract people who affirm my inner thought that I am awful and don't deserve shit.)

I also got to thinking... What if, for the rest of my life, I ate as horribly as I could, thought terrible angry thoughts, and never visited a doctor again. I feel so lethargic now that by going that route, I know I am bound to develop cancer and definitely not have to live much more than 15 years or so. I actually thought this today. It is kind of hilarious. Because I am mad that I don't have my hands on any foolproof way to die, like a gun.

I am not saying or implying that want to end it right now. But I am tired and I do feel like I am just too hurt, too angry, and too bitter, and maybe there is a possibility I will never be able to get past it and find joy. That I will just be resigned to "blah" kind of life.

I do feel like that would be part of my suicide note, if I ever wrote one, though. "I am just too tired, too hurt, too bitter, too angry, and I am so far down that road, I can't come back." That would be part of the explanation.

I feel like my empathy switch gets turned off in this state also. I am just so hurt and angry...like Eddie Pepitone said in his latest comedy special - "Round of applause if you get sick of being a good person when no one else is?" Sometimes I feel like it hasn't translated to joy. So why bother?

I should feel more empathy for that 29-year-old woman. The fact that I am even thinking of myself is insane. Sometimes I do wonder if I am a narcissist. And have no real feelings and maybe I am a fraud making up my depression. There is a part of me that believes it's possible.

I am trying to bounce back little by little. I am committing to at least 100 oz.of water per day for the next month to flush out my system. I drink too much coffee. I always feel better when I am drinking more water. And I have more energy.

Any other ideas? I know a couple of you are thinking, "Uh.. Meds?" .

I know I am capable of doing it without meds. I know I have let myself slip. So what are your guys' methods for staying on track everyday?

I probably sound like I really need to be committed, I know.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

God bless, I wish you the best! Wait, what do you MEAN you don't want to take meds, does that mean you think you're better than people who do?! Well obviously someone who takes meds just needs them more than you so you just need to suck it up, @#?%!

Totally just kidding!

I also have made a choice so far in life to avoid meds. If my suicidal feelings became more intense or consistent like they were recently, I would consider anything. Fortunately I tried supplements as a temporary aid and that really seemed to help after a couple of weeks. Gave me the energy to work out again sometimes and take better care if myself. I suggest exercise but something fun like dancing where it doesn't feel like such a chore.

I also deleted my facebook 2 1/2 years ago for many I the same issues you have with comment boards, too much negativity and narcissism and apathetic altruism. I never regret being rid of it.

Unfortunately that's all I've got and I am still struggling but I just wanted you to know that your pain is every bit as justified as the person seeking or taking meds (and some people REALLY need them). I'm glad you are trying natural ways to get to the same place even though it does take a lot more determination. But I totally feel you on the internet's abyss of negativity at times. It really saddens me and makes me not want to connect to anyone anymore.

[ArmyOfMe80]

Yep..I try to feel compassion for those anonymous posters. It is literally like a sport - attempting to shame strangers. It is like a release from the stress, frustration, and shame in their own personal lives. Just go after strangers. I will bet its subconscious and they don't even realize they're doing it sometimes. People will go after others, and on a very personal level, just for disagreeing with them. Very sad. I just feel down and blah after I have spent too much time in a comments section, like I have been playing in the dirt. Even if I just read and didn't post.