Mental and physical decline. 30 days.

[oak]

Lately I've been given a lot of verbal abuse at work. I also despise my commute.

I am afraid I am becoming a shell of the person I was. For about a year I've had physical manifestations of stress: ulcer, backache, headache, memory loss, chest pains.

I'm pretty convinced I need to start taking action, like tomorrow. I am afraid that the cycle of stress > physical pain > not being able to exercise > stress will become something I can't escape.

Pro me:

I am posting here. I feel a little better, using my words.

Tomorrow, in my terror, I am starting a 30 day self improvement (eating, exercising, socializing) program I completed once a few years ago. It super duper helped me in the bad old days.

I've been going to a healthy-eating support group for about six weeks.

I balanced my checkbook. Well, it didn't balance, but at least I know what my balance is.

Today I made a call to inquire about participating in a stress-reduction research study.

Con me:

I have a few work friends, no friends IRL.

What friends/family I do have, none of them show any real interest in me. I see a look of bored detachment, as if I am the most boring monkey in the world's saddest zoo.

Having been working poor for about ten years, this is how I understand life, in practice: I endlessly give and the only the thing I can expect in return is the chance to endlessly give more of myself.

(Even typing that I know that is not completely true, but it feels all too true most of the time.)

If I can just be honest for a moment:

Right now my left foot hurts, and has for the last week, and I have no idea why. I want to exercise or even get out of the house, but I'm in pain. Physical and emotional pain.

My family has stated that I am acting weird/not myself/need to relax. It reminds me of when I was still drinking, and three of my closest friends expressed their concern. I'm coming up on 7.5 years sober, btw

Ending This Post On What Will Have To Suffice For A Happy (Or At Least Happier) Note: Two Promises

Here is a promise: despite being in pain and sorrow (or perhaps to spite my pain and sorrow), tomorrow I promise to go to the store where the very pretty blond single mom works. She gave me her number a few weeks ago, and we made vague plans to "hang out" "sometime in November". If she is at work tomorrow I will invite her out for firm day/time/place plans for the coming week.

Another promise: Just because they bring me joy, I'm going to listen to these two songs: "A Sunday Kind of Love" by Etta James and "If I Fell" by the Beatles. Because I want a Sunday kind of love.

I'll post here tomorrow to report if I accomplished these modest goals.

So even if this sorrow kills me, at least I'll go out like a hero.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are making and keeping promises to yourself. For what it is worth, I am so proud of you. Know that people are proud of you.

[oak]

Thank you, Manuel Moe. That means alot.

I feel much better tonight.

I did make plans with the pretty blond woman, and we intend to hang out next week.

I also did listen to Etta James and the Beatles.

The physical symptoms of stress were much better. Staying in my head is a bad idea.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am so, so glad. Again, I am proud to know you and have you as a friend.

[oak]

Thank you, Manuel Moe. Much brotherly love.

[weary]

Hi Oak,

Just want to chime in with Manuel Moe and say keep up the good work. I'm proud of you too. Making a commitment to yourself is hard, but you are worth it.

[oak]

Thanks!

My mental (and therefore physical) health are much better. I need to take better care of myself!

[rivergirl]

Hey Oak,
I'm glad to hear that you're using the bad time you were experiencing to prompt you to take positive steps and practice more self-care. I find that sometimes I have to experience a low that brings significant pain to get me to expend the energy to continue with self-care and to make the next steps forward. I hope you'll keep feeling better in the coming weeks and have a great day hanging out with your new single mom friend!

rivergirl