YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Lately I've been given a lot of verbal abuse at work. I also despise my commute.

I am afraid I am becoming a shell of the person I was. For about a year I've had physical manifestations of stress: ulcer, backache, headache, memory loss, chest pains.

I'm pretty convinced I need to start taking action, like tomorrow. I am afraid that the cycle of stress > physical pain > not being able to exercise > stress will become something I can't escape.

Pro me:

I am posting here. I feel a little better, using my words.

Tomorrow, in my terror, I am starting a 30 day self improvement (eating, exercising, socializing) program I completed once a few years ago. It super duper helped me in the bad old days.

I've been going to a healthy-eating support group for about six weeks.

I balanced my checkbook. Well, it didn't balance, but at least I know what my balance is.

Today I made a call to inquire about participating in a stress-reduction research study.

Con me:

I have a few work friends, no friends IRL.

What friends/family I do have, none of them show any real interest in me. I see a look of bored detachment, as if I am the most boring monkey in the world's saddest zoo.

Having been working poor for about ten years, this is how I understand life, in practice: I endlessly give and the only the thing I can expect in return is the chance to endlessly give more of myself.

(Even typing that I know that is not completely true, but it feels all too true most of the time.)

If I can just be honest for a moment:

Right now my left foot hurts, and has for the last week, and I have no idea why. I want to exercise or even get out of the house, but I'm in pain. Physical and emotional pain.

My family has stated that I am acting weird/not myself/need to relax. It reminds me of when I was still drinking, and three of my closest friends expressed their concern. I'm coming up on 7.5 years sober, btw

Ending This Post On What Will Have To Suffice For A Happy (Or At Least Happier) Note: Two Promises

Here is a promise: despite being in pain and sorrow (or perhaps to spite my pain and sorrow), tomorrow I promise to go to the store where the very pretty blond single mom works. She gave me her number a few weeks ago, and we made vague plans to "hang out" "sometime in November". If she is at work tomorrow I will invite her out for firm day/time/place plans for the coming week.

Another promise: Just because they bring me joy, I'm going to listen to these two songs: "A Sunday Kind of Love" by Etta James and "If I Fell" by the Beatles. Because I want a Sunday kind of love.

I'll post here tomorrow to report if I accomplished these modest goals.

So even if this sorrow kills me, at least I'll go out like a hero.

You are making and keeping promises to yourself. For what it is worth, I am so proud of you. Know that people are proud of you.

Thank you, Manuel Moe. That means alot.

I feel much better tonight.

I did make plans with the pretty blond woman, and we intend to hang out next week.

I also did listen to Etta James and the Beatles.

The physical symptoms of stress were much better. Staying in my head is a bad idea.

I am so, so glad. Again, I am proud to know you and have you as a friend.

Thank you, Manuel Moe. Much brotherly love.

Hi Oak,

Just want to chime in with Manuel Moe and say keep up the good work. I'm proud of you too. Making a commitment to yourself is hard, but you are worth it.

Thanks!

My mental (and therefore physical) health are much better. I need to take better care of myself!

Hey Oak,
I'm glad to hear that you're using the bad time you were experiencing to prompt you to take positive steps and practice more self-care. I find that sometimes I have to experience a low that brings significant pain to get me to expend the energy to continue with self-care and to make the next steps forward. I hope you'll keep feeling better in the coming weeks and have a great day hanging out with your new single mom friend!

rivergirl