YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi. My name is L. I'm 25 and broke.

I struggle mainly with Schizoid Personality Disorder and DPDR. I have depression and anxiety as well, but with medication and regular therapy I've been able to get those under manageable levels.

Here's the skinny. Right now I'm living with my dad and grandmother, and somehow the situation has developed to a point where I'm taking care of both of them, in one sense or another. My gran is almost in her seventies and started having trouble with her heart and blood pressure last year. It doesn't help that she's always leaned slightly histrionic and gets panicked easily when something doesn't go well. As long as I've known her she's teetered around having a complete nervous breakdown, and I guess it's finally caught up to her. I love her to death though, and I want to see her get stable and move out of our current home, which is a dump. We could all use a change of scenery.

My dad is a different story. He's a drunk.

He's not abusive in the classic sense, but he does get pretty mopey and belligerent. I have a feeling he's going to be a lifer. The last straw for me was when he fell out of his SUV and lay in the driveway two weeks ago. All this while my gran pleaded with him to come inside. (Spoiler: He didn't.) Our neighbor across the street was watching and my gran was terrified she was going to call the cops. (Spoiler: She didn't, thank God.)

At this point I've lost interest in him completely. I don't care if he gets better or not. I've tried persuading him to come to the free clinic with me to get into a support group or something, but I underestimated how much an addict can dig in their heels. He tells me to my face how brave he thinks I am for going to therapy and getting help, then calls me a "pill-popper" when I'm not around because I take Zoloft and more than once implied he thinks I'm exaggerating my illnesses.

I mean, alright.

Here's the thing. My gran's in a pretty vulnerable place right now, and I've depended on her for my living situation and security nearly all my life. I'm preparing for the worst, which is that she could die tomorrow and I would be, for lack of a better word, stranded. I can't depend on my dad and have no interest in sticking around to babysit him, so I need to make a plan.

I have no higher education, no work experience, no prospects, and I don't drive. For anyone that's unfamiliar with SZPD or doesn't know anyone that has it, it's basically the "hermit's disease". With rare exceptions I haven't left the house in almost two years, or really felt the need to. I only go into town once every two weeks for therapy, and spend the majority of my time alone in my room. The longest I spent away in recent memory was the four days I was hospitalized in November.

Being on the schizophrenic spectrum, I regularly deal with extended periods of anhedonia, apathy, emotional dullness, and poor motivation. On top of which I'm fucking exhausted. Under a very narrow set of circumstances I believe I could see myself working and maybe even living independently, but the odds of finding gainful employment and getting my life together on the first try aren't really in my favor. I want to do the whole "living on my own like a grownup" thing, but it already takes me a three-day warmup just to do a load of laundry.

I've started talking myself into the idea of offing myself when she's gone, because it would be less inconvenient that way. Don't misunderstand. I don't hate myself, or feel particularly sad. It's not a self-destructive thing. I've just sort of resigned myself to the idea that it would be easier than trying to participate in a world that seems so thoroughly unsuited to me, y'know? I hate being acknowledged. I don't want others to know me. I just want to be left alone...

I keep thinking I should go back to the emergency room and get some help with these feelings, because I know they're not okay. But I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my grandmother alone while I'm gone. She hasn't been responding well to her medications and depends on me for certain things. My dad requires a certain amount of supervision too. If he's not pissing on the couch or spraying the hallway, he's leaving the stove on and knocking over space-heaters. He made a nasty wound in his forehead last month when he rolled off the couch and caught a table-corner. My gran doesn't have the strength to clean up after him, or deal with his five-hour sermons on why everyone needs to stop judging him. I feel like I can "tough it out" for another month or so because I already have the coping tools to get through the hard times, and they don't. It's just stressful.

The only thing I can think to do is apply for SSI for extra support, but as anyone can tell you, getting supplemental income for a mental illness is embarrassingly difficult. I've heard of people with terminal illnesses getting rejected twice before they get approved. I'm working with my therapist and social worker to walk me through the process. They both think I'm eligible, but that first rejection always stings a little. I could make a standalone thread about tamping down the stigma of being an able-bodied twentysomething trying to get benefits, even when I know I need them, but I'll save that for another time. I'll just say, America is weird.

I've also been looking into a shared home or supportive-housing? Someplace that could give me a little breathing room and extra support, but still be basically independent and maybe help me "launch" when I feel like I'm ready. It's all just a little overwhelming. I don't know what I should be looking for, what's available in my state, or where to get started.

I'm reaching out here, guys. Any advice?

While where you are, specifically, is none of my business, may I ask which best describes your location?

1. A fairly blue city (Columbus, Cleveland, Toledo, or certain parts of Cincy).

2. A red small town (Middletown, Lancaster, Ashtabula).

Very red, very rural.

Oh boy. Okay.

(My background: I've been working poor in both SE Ohio and NE Ohio, and have since earned a living wage at a very blue employer in NE Ohio, with good benefits.)

First up, the good: you have a fine mind, and are an excellent writer. You express yourself clearly, with a playful way to explain difficult situations. I don't know you, but you seem like a good person!

I think you're going to make it. I like your chances.

Now the bad: You face a number of difficulties, in both the broadly societal and familial. You also face a difficult situation with your professional life.

But there is good reason for hope.

You mention SSI and "security", so I'll focus on $$$, since money (and benefits) can make many of the problems you list go away, and make the rest better.

Were I you, I'd pick either work or SSI, and get the most out of whatever you choose.

If both your therapist and social advise applying for SSI, I'd consider it. It can give you some time to sort things out. I certainly encourage you to call 211 right away, to get as many benefits as you can, including Medicaid. If you can apply for the ACA, do so.

A big caveat: it is my opinion that SSI will be broke in about ten years. The number of OASDI folks (workers) is going down and the number of SSI folks is going up. You need not believe me: google about the future of SSI.

https://www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/ssb/v70 ... 3p111.html

I quote:

"Currently, the Social Security Board of Trustees projects program cost to rise by 2035 so that taxes will be enough to pay for only 75 percent of scheduled benefits."

Translated: things are going to suck.

If this is the future of SSI, I wouldn't want any part of it. All of those graphs get really bad at 2030, which is just thirteen years away.

It is my understanding that if OASDI doesn't go up, then SSI folks will get 25% less in about ten years. Social security isn't going broke, but those are some scary graphs.

Your other option, as I see it, is work.

Work has its moments, let me tell.

It can be real difficult to find work. Work can really, really suck.

In a very rural area, you are going to be competing (read: undercut in pay) with many others for very few jobs. Hourly retail, IME.

Were I you, I'd find a way to get to a big, blue city. If you are willing to work (or at least appear busy) and get things done, there is opportunity for anyone. Race, class: none of that means anything in the city. All that matters is if you can get the work done. If you can, there's a place for you. A decent wage and benefits.

There is one field that rewards staying indoors all day, on the computer, and it happens to have excellent opportunities: coding. Were I you, I'd be studying HTML/CSS/JS furiously.

Various thoughts:

See if you can get on Medicaid soon. Dental care is extremely important in getting hired, and I know Ohio implemented Medicaid expansion.

Laundry is very important also.

Eventually the police will come for your father. I hope he gets sober. Knocking over space heaters is typical drunk behavior. I hope he doesn't kill anyone.

Above all, please don't commit suicide. You have value and worth.

Interestingly, your advice follows a similar schematic I had worked out with a friend. When I ran it past my therapist, she approved also. I think it's my best bet.

I have already been approved for Medicaid, which has been (literally) a life-saver. So that's one box checked.

I definitely intend to push for SSI, though it was never my intention to stay on for longer than a few years, or out here in the sticks for that matter. (Whoof.)

I just hope to have a fund stored up, hopefully before the system goes completely heels-up. Believe me, I'm well aware these are scary and uncertain times, and this is not the most favorable situation in which to be mentally ill and unemployed.

I have a lot of family up north (as it happens, in one such Big Blue City) that claims they could get me into restaurant work.

For the reasons I mentioned, I'm not great at spending heaps of emotional labor or interacting with others (read: to an extent that would not go unnoticed by employers), so I'm reluctant about entering into any retail or food-service work where I'd be regularly dealing with customers. I'd be willing to try, and believe I could hack it for a little while until something more suited to my sparkling personality came along.

Stock-work comes to mind. Anything brainless and repetitive, really. I wouldn't even mind something janitorial. Dealing with my dad's messes has given me a pretty high tolerance for Yuck. The only hurdle there would be my DPDR (I "space out" fairly often, particularly when I'm not required to think much about what I'm doing. I've scalded myself doing dishes more times than I can count.)

I never would have considered coding, but I do know the job-market rewards the computer-savvy. I had an old boyfriend who was pretty into it. It all seemed terrifically boring (many of his interests were), but I know enough that CSS offers a bit more creatively. I'll definitely take your suggestion.

The day my dad gets his act together and decides to care about more than himself, is the day I hope to be far away with some pets and a one-bedroom apartment for him not to call and leave me his last sorry voicemail. (If it doesn't show, I'm fucking furious with him at the moment. Trying to let it go because I know that stuff is poison in the long-run, but that's what these forums are for I guess.)

Thank you for taking the time to respond and address my points. You've been very reassuring and helpful.

**If anyone has any additional insight, specifically experience with assisted housing options for the mentally ill, I would be very interested.