Undiagnosed, maybe never will be

[RightInTwo]

Wasn’t sure which topic to put this under, so, here goes…

The only diagnosis I am currently being treated/medicated for is ADD (no hyperactivity, that has never been a problem for me.)

I have been asking therapists and psychiatrists for many years, what is _actually_ wrong with me. I have come to the conclusion that I must not have been able to sufficiently describe my experiences to anyone.

I have received a variety of answers, including depression & anxiety, and borderline (bpd). The only medications they ever prescribe are the usual anti-depressants and anti-anxiety: bupropion, zoloft, etc. When I told them that they weren’t doing anything for me, they just increased the dose. I finally gave up and quit taking all meds except my ADD a couple of years ago, and absolutely nothing changed that I could see.

Every time I learn more about different disorders, I see parts of myself in them to different degrees.

I am 100% certain* that, at the very least, I have CPTSD as well as regular old PTSD, and codependency. I also see some aspects of DID, aspbergers, maybe even antisocial.

Since I have no money, no job, and no insurance, it is up to me and me alone to find help for myself. Texas does have _some_ mental health public assistance, but my most recent experience in that system was so awful that I walked away from it altogether.

So I’m in somewhat of a spiral. Avoidance is my default setting, and I’m finding it difficult to even use this wonderful group for support. I have had zero problems with this group or anybody in it; it’s just, I’d rather avoid trying to identify and explain what I need help with. So, instead, I just occupy myself with painting those stupid adult coloring books. Before I ran out of money, I bought several oversized books of high quality paper, high quality paintbrushes, and lots of high quality watercolor paints of different types. I used to have some artistic skill, but I’m just not interested in doing anything original or creative.

Meanwhile, I am constantly having discussions in my head, with myself, about important things like, who am I, what are my values & principles, and how do my problems manifest. I know that journaling is good for this type of thing, but I have never been able to stick with it for more than a few days. I was a good writer, and really enjoyed the writing assignments in community college long ago. But I have no motivation for that now.

This is going to seem completely unrelated, but I’ll explain: Even though I was super skinny (scrawny) growing up, I was never into any sports - in fact, I literally could not run without other kids screaming with laughter at my wonky legs - not until I was 16 or 17 did I see an orthopedic doctor, who diagnosed me with scoliosis and tibial tortion (leg bones grew twisted). That could have been fixed if I had seen a doctor much, much earlier.

So, I have never included athletic or physically fit as part of who I am.

However, I really enjoy being thin/fit, and I also really enjoy wine and good food, so, when I occasionally find myself unable to fit into any of my clothes, I (eventually) do whatever it takes to lose weight. Nothing insane; just change my diet & (ugh) start exercising.

Since July this year, I have been working out every day, and lost nearly 20 pounds so far. We have a complete gym at home, but I didn’t start using it until my boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to help me with a workout & diet program. (Yes!!!! Yes! Thank you!) I really don’t think I would have started anything without his help.

I’d like to lose just a few more pounds, but more importantly, I want to learn a brand new skill: maintenance. I’m sick of the cycle of, gaining weight over long periods of time, then working hard to lose it, and then when I reach my goal, I always just, went right back to my default, not exercising and eating whatever I want.

So, beyond just the technical details, the day to day new habits I will need to form, I can see that I need to somehow redefine myself as a fit, active person, and overwrite the old, traumatized part of myself that can still hear all the other kids (and even some adults) laughing at me for trying to run.

If I can figure out how to do that, maybe I can also redefine the part of myself that isn’t a journal keeper. No trauma there, it’s just never been important to me.

I want to be able to consistently write down my thoughts and ideas. I know that it would help me in many ways to express my inner thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I’m not necessarily looking for specific advice from anybody here, just talking about it helps.

*I started this topic wanting to describe how I see a variety of disorders seem to match up with my daily existence. It kind of boils down to this: Each and every decision and action is completely driven by my emotions. I feel everything times 1,000, including other people’s experiences, real or fictional. I understand, logically, that this is an insane way to live, but when I am triggered, (I’m still constantly trying to figure out what those triggers are) my logical brain just goes offline entirely. After, I’m just baffled by my own behavior.

That’s why CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is simply absurd to me. The problem isn’t that I don’t know or understand what different emotions are; in reality, it doesn’t matter that I know. Knowing does not give my logical brain any power over my emotions.

If anybody has ever watched “Doom Patrol” I feel like a mix of Jane (multiple personalities) and the actress, I forget her name, but she has major shame issues.

[rivergirl]

Hi RightInTwo,

I won't give you any advice, just wanted you to know I read your post and I see your pain and struggles.

I know that DBT is used to treat issues with emotional regulation, but I don't have experience with it, or know if it would be helpful to learn about it without a therapist or program.

I don't know if it's possible for you to give yourself any credit for what you're doing, but to me getting fit, cleaning the house (as you mentioned in an earlier post), expressing yourself through painting in coloring books, trying to figure out your issues, being in a relationship, all of that counts for something. I think everyone who posts here also understands the extra effort required to accomplish anything when dealing with mental health issues.

Please keep sharing any time

rivergirl

[RightInTwo]

Hi RightInTwo,

I won't give you any advice, just wanted you to know I read your post and I see your pain and struggles.

I know that DBT is used to treat issues with emotional regulation, but I don't have experience with it, or know if it would be helpful to learn about it without a therapist or program.

I don't know if it's possible for you to give yourself any credit for what you're doing, but to me getting fit, cleaning the house (as you mentioned in an earlier post), expressing yourself through painting in coloring books, trying to figure out your issues, being in a relationship, all of that counts for something. I think everyone who posts here also understands the extra effort required to accomplish anything when dealing with mental health issues.

Please keep sharing any time

rivergirl

Thank you rivergirl. It’s really nice to be acknowledged

[oak]

RIT, thank you for posting. I'm glad you did.

Three thoughts to consider:

1. Diagnoses are important. They give us a place to start. That said, it is my guess (not a psychologist) that CPTSD pretty well covers the damage and evil visited upon you.

2. I couldn't help but laugh at the ineptitude and indifference of your doctors: since this pill isn't working, let's try more. Oh goodness.

3. All that said, I and we accept you just as you are. Hang in there.

[RightInTwo]

RIT, thank you for posting. I'm glad you did.

Three thoughts to consider:

1. Diagnoses are important. They give us a place to start. That said, it is my guess (not a psychologist) that CPTSD pretty well covers the damage and evil visited upon you.

2. I couldn't help but laugh at the ineptitude and indifference of your doctors: since this pill isn't working, let's try more. Oh goodness.

3. All that said, I and we accept you just as you are. Hang in there.

Thank you oak.

Doctors. I am 100% pro-doctor for things like, infections, broken bones, etc. But for mental health, I have given up on them. They only prescribe what they are paid to prescribe, by the pharmaceutical companies. They don’t listen. And, a bigger problem, this country’s failed “war on drugs” is still causing legitimate, helpful alternatives to be dismissed or still illegal. The ONLY thing that has helped me with anxiety (and more) is weed. And weed will never, ever be legal where I currently live.