Re-entering the work world, is it possible for me?
Posted: November 4th, 2021, 9:41 am
I was in my closet again this morning, making room for cool weather clothes, (we finally had a few cool days!) and storing away some party/summer items, and setting aside things that don’t fit any more.
On one hand, it’s exciting and rewarding to be able to get out my small sized wardrobe, which, due to successful diet & exercise program, I can wear once again. Lots of really nice interview suits and workplace appropriate dresses that I could wear, if only…
Between my pre existing, baseline trauma, and several disappointing and trauma-inducing recent job experiences, I just cannot find it in me to face the idea of trying ~again~, going through the process of reading job requirements, and…. ughhhhhh… re-writing my resume for the 100,000th time. In my most honest assessment, the title would be, “I Thought I Was a Communications/Change Management Professional, but Apparently Not.” Subtitle: “Also Not a Programmer or Cybersecurity Tech.”
It’s a matter of survival, first and foremost. I am (and have been for quite some time) ~completely~ out of money. I have spent all of my retirement savings over the last 4 years or so, just on bare minimum bills and necessities, i.e., car insurance, etc. My total balance in checking + savings is like, less than $400. (My mom sends me a couple hundred each month.)
It seems so hopeless, in so many ways.
I’ve played this game long enough that I know what kinds of questions I’m going to have to be prepared to answer.
I’m going to have to explain why I haven’t worked in over 4 years.
They’re going to want to know what I’ve accomplished…. the truth is, absolutely nothing that would be relevant to a hiring manager.
Even worse, the whole question of, who am I? What do I (or did I) do for a living? What is my experience? This question is agonizing for me to think about. I have absolutely given up on the idea of continuing my previous line of “communication consultant” or whatever they want to call it. I am absolutely convinced that my own survival instinct, fueled by existential panic and delusional ambition, (and better than average interviewing skill) are the only things that got me those jobs before. That’s why none of them became perm and why every one of them ended unexpectedly, smack in the middle of the project. I couldn’t cash the metaphorical check I wrote with my resume and interview charm.
Then, the most recent job - being straight up FIRED, for “performance issues” - has left me bitter and disillusioned about any type of work whatsoever. Even though I know there was something else going on there, and I know my performance was average at minimum. It was a fucked up situation from day 1. The actual work I did there was fine, but I utterly failed to make the first few, vitally important, interpersonal connections with my manager and the senior team members who did my onboarding. I acted very foolish, trying too hard to invent a personality, and saying the most absolutely horrifying, cringe-y things… ughhhhh…
Then, when it became clear that nobody was ever going to talk to me, let alone befriend me, my attitude became absolute shit, sealing my fate. I can’t believe I lasted almost 2 years. And I don’t even want to put that experience on my resume, it was so bad, and if they want more than one reference from there, I’m screwed.
So, how do I even begin to search job sites, what am I even looking for???? With any realistic hope of finding something that I’m qualified for? Can I please just assemble some widgets in a factory or something??? fml.
I’m stuck in this downward spiral of, zero confidence, plus real, actual things that will present significant problems to overcome, as far as my extremely patchy work history, huge gaps between jobs to explain, which keeps me stuck here, as the days, months, and years tick by.
“No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun.”
-Pink Floyd
On one hand, it’s exciting and rewarding to be able to get out my small sized wardrobe, which, due to successful diet & exercise program, I can wear once again. Lots of really nice interview suits and workplace appropriate dresses that I could wear, if only…
Between my pre existing, baseline trauma, and several disappointing and trauma-inducing recent job experiences, I just cannot find it in me to face the idea of trying ~again~, going through the process of reading job requirements, and…. ughhhhhh… re-writing my resume for the 100,000th time. In my most honest assessment, the title would be, “I Thought I Was a Communications/Change Management Professional, but Apparently Not.” Subtitle: “Also Not a Programmer or Cybersecurity Tech.”
It’s a matter of survival, first and foremost. I am (and have been for quite some time) ~completely~ out of money. I have spent all of my retirement savings over the last 4 years or so, just on bare minimum bills and necessities, i.e., car insurance, etc. My total balance in checking + savings is like, less than $400. (My mom sends me a couple hundred each month.)
It seems so hopeless, in so many ways.
I’ve played this game long enough that I know what kinds of questions I’m going to have to be prepared to answer.
I’m going to have to explain why I haven’t worked in over 4 years.
They’re going to want to know what I’ve accomplished…. the truth is, absolutely nothing that would be relevant to a hiring manager.
Even worse, the whole question of, who am I? What do I (or did I) do for a living? What is my experience? This question is agonizing for me to think about. I have absolutely given up on the idea of continuing my previous line of “communication consultant” or whatever they want to call it. I am absolutely convinced that my own survival instinct, fueled by existential panic and delusional ambition, (and better than average interviewing skill) are the only things that got me those jobs before. That’s why none of them became perm and why every one of them ended unexpectedly, smack in the middle of the project. I couldn’t cash the metaphorical check I wrote with my resume and interview charm.
Then, the most recent job - being straight up FIRED, for “performance issues” - has left me bitter and disillusioned about any type of work whatsoever. Even though I know there was something else going on there, and I know my performance was average at minimum. It was a fucked up situation from day 1. The actual work I did there was fine, but I utterly failed to make the first few, vitally important, interpersonal connections with my manager and the senior team members who did my onboarding. I acted very foolish, trying too hard to invent a personality, and saying the most absolutely horrifying, cringe-y things… ughhhhh…
Then, when it became clear that nobody was ever going to talk to me, let alone befriend me, my attitude became absolute shit, sealing my fate. I can’t believe I lasted almost 2 years. And I don’t even want to put that experience on my resume, it was so bad, and if they want more than one reference from there, I’m screwed.
So, how do I even begin to search job sites, what am I even looking for???? With any realistic hope of finding something that I’m qualified for? Can I please just assemble some widgets in a factory or something??? fml.
I’m stuck in this downward spiral of, zero confidence, plus real, actual things that will present significant problems to overcome, as far as my extremely patchy work history, huge gaps between jobs to explain, which keeps me stuck here, as the days, months, and years tick by.
“No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun.”
-Pink Floyd
