Multiple Suicide Attempts. I keep failing.

[Twnty033]

Hello, I don't know where to begin, So I'm just going to start here. This is really my first day telling a community who I really am deep down inside. If you are immature or likes judging someone, Please Leave. I took some time writing this and editing it so it can look professional and Plenteous to read. I am constantly editing it and finding mistakes I made. So sorry if mad writing. Feel free to share this letter, So here we go.
I'm 16 years old living in the old grumpy NYC and I've been born and raised. Growing up in a all catholic-School. I went to school 1-8. Freshmen year I failed horrible. Reason why was the lack of motivation and friends. I did not really tell no one but I'm a Suicidal person. My friend Alex knows I'm dealing with depression and all about that. The thing is we hardly talk and he lives in Finland. 850+ miles away from me. Anyway let me not get off track. After I failed freshmen year, I started to go to public school. Ehh A lot has change. (gangs, the way people dress, the word "swag" etc.)
If I can say when the suicidal thoughts started to happen was when 8 grade. I really can't remember off the top of my head. what was the exact reason why. 8th grade, First suicidal attempt. Please keep in mind at the time I had know clue what I was doing and that I just remember the words repeating "die". I swallowed 8 Alive pills. (Gells). I remember like it was yesterday. I took the pills, Woke up couple hours later, Noting. Searched up that alive can not be fatal when taking in a large amount, 1 years passed. I told my parents I am depressed. There reaction was the most hurts more then getting shot in the ear. They said. Translated. "You just want attention. Lose some weight and You going to start feeling better. Get a girlfriend, and stop acting." The acting part, My god are these my real parents? If I ever have kids I would talk to them.
2011, Second suicide attempt. Took over 15 pills, I forget the name now. A week later, My gallbladder was not its normal size. Blah blah I go to the hospital (My Parents made me) I made stuff up like it was a muscle or something like that. I was really depressed.
Third suicide attempt. Fast forward, 2012, My depression got worst. I took some Tramadol pills.(these are pills you take to ease up after you went into high states of medical care) 4 of them. I went to school (freshmen year). It was like taking crack and heroin at the same time while be drunk. While being high. I couldn't control myself. All I thought was whats happening. I go to the nurse. I told her I took one. I lied, If I would of told I have taken 4. I would of been taken to the E.R, Instead I lied and let doctors save people who want to live.
Forth attempt. (October of 2012 ) I took about 25 pills in all. I could Not remember all the names, I wrote my suicide letter after words. It was a time bomb in myself waiting for my eyes to shut. Tick tick. Every 5 minutes I cried so Much I was dried out. I lay in my bed Leaving out the email. (suicide letter on my desktop). I start falling asleep. Thinking this is it. I felt like so much things I left behind. I did not care. I was truly happy for about 5 seconds. Boom I wake up with vomit all over my bed and on my face. I could not talk or hardly breath. The moment I woke up. I thought I was in heaven, But nope I returned to the same hell I came from. My life, I am really depressed & lonely. Never had a girlfriend. I never experienced what other kids my age where doing. Going out on dates. Kissing. And even sex (sometimes). I thought to myself, Maybe I'm gay. But I still fall in love with woman. I see a really hot guy and I say oh yeah hes attractive. But not really attractive. I'm not gay. I experimented with my body and I made sure. (watched gay porn). That was not the problem. I'm Going to try to explain my life right now as of December 30, 2012. I have no life. I'm on the computer 95% of the day, 4% on xbox. 3% doing bathroom stuff. I don't go outside. If I do it ether for school or to buy something. Like food for myself. I have sucidal thoughts everyday since what happened in October. Thinking that this time, I will make sure I won't wake up.
Anyway.... The music I listen to is classical music. Like Beethoven. I listen to MCS, all stuff like that. Well mostly everything except Rap. You name em, I got know them. Today what I did most of my day was listen to the Nerdist, And play Minecraft since 2:00 am (I woke up). Till now where I'm writing this. 6:52 am. I don't have a life, I'm over weight. I need to die, Be killed. I have tried getting help, School consul. I don't really feel conformable with them.I need help. Do I have a illness? I need to stop myself before I go to far. A small part of me seeking out and amazed I have the strength to write this letter. Thank you for taking a part of your day and reading my story.
-Written by Johnny D. <---Name translated to keep ID safe.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Twnty033, welcome to the forum!

Not trying to bum you out, but remember that this forum is not moderated by mental health professionals. If somebody posting here is actively suicidal, the most compassionate thing we can do is block them from the site, because there are much better resources out there than this little site.

But I don't want to get too melodramatic, because I have been suicidal too. It is a part of the world, and it is a part of mental illness.

If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or others PLEASE call Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255.

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From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

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Anyhoo, your parents sound spectacularly unhelpful. I would try suicide hotline to get info on resources for minors to get professional help.

My experience with professional help is that the psychoactive pharmaceuticals are helpful, but only take you 20% of the way out. Cognitive Therapy is your best bet for long term help, in my stupid opinion.

If it makes you feel any better, where you are romantically at the age of 16 is where I was at the age of 25 when I had my major breakdown. I am 41 years old now, and I am a living testiment to how slowly a human can improve and still be worth it.

I am not sure if I even have anything worthwhile to say, because you are the expert on your own situation. Please take care. Things improve. Cheers!