it's been awhile

[The Sleeper]

It's been awhile since I broke down and cried. I've been keeping my mind so busy with work and little inconsequential things. I was watching a you tube video that was really funny and was reading about the girl who made it. She is younger than me and studies animation and can draw and I just started crying because I feel like a piece of garbage that never has any good ideas and no motivation to create anything and I'm never going to do make anything that people with love. No one is every going to know what I can do and I probably can't do anything anyways. Oops I just realized that I haven't taken my meds yet, is my brain that fragile? :sigh:

[The Sleeper]

After I wrote this I went on to have a pretty bad day at work. I cried. A coworker got mad at me and I can't handle anyone getting mad at me. I take everything they are saying and made it 100x worse in my head "they must be mad because i'm dumb, i AM dumb whats wrong with me" and then I cry and this leads to me thinking about how I have to quit because I can't take seeing this girl and knowing that she has negative thoughts towards me. Then I think about how I can never get another job because every job is going to have assholes and I'm too fragile to be around assholes and I'm too fragile for life in general and I want to die because life is always hurting me. (I'm not suicidal, wanting to die as a means of relief will just pop into my head on really tough days)

Positive things:
I feel better now
Only one person saw me cry and she is nice and I just said "I don't want to talk about it" and she left me alone
I reaaallly wanted to leave work early but I stayed. It helps that I don't really have supervision and could walk around sniffling and singing along to the store radio to cheer myself up.

[Rosie]

Hey Sleeper

Hope you're feeling better today? I don't pretend to have any answers whatsoever. My only creativity is photography which I don't do enough of but why don't you share some of your work on here. I for one would love to see it, or maybe post a link we could get access to. If you share your work with us it will be a safe place to do it and perhaps will give you a way to get your groove back! Think about it please, I would love to see it. Huge hugs from across the pond, Rosie

[The Sleeper]

Thanks Rosie. I feel bad again. I keep thinking about this dumb coworker. I wish I could let things go like other people but I can't. I will post a photo though, that will take my mind off things.

[Rosie]

Hi Sleeper

Your co-worker is probably not coping but taking it out on others rather than internalising stuff like we? I do. I had an employee who when stressed became a total bitch to other people when I had to tackle her about it, it was difficult because she broke down in tears and explained she was stressed. I didn't have the heart to tell her straight she was being a bully so I just made sure I spoke to her often to try to lessen the stress, which by caused by a manager's incompetence. Co-workers can be so hard to deal with! Personally I internalise stress and beat myself up not others are you the same? We need to be kinder to ourselves, big hugs, Rosie

[The Sleeper]

Rosie I think you've got it exactly right. I like to tell myself that our way of handling stress is better because at least we aren't hurting anyone else, but really it's all the same. We are all hurting someone, and we don't deserve hurting anymore than other people do! This is a very hard lesson to learn and I really don't know if I ever will learn it. In the moment it was very hard to have compassion for my coworker but now that time has passed since the incident it is becoming easier. I like your idea of being extra friendly. My idea was to be scared of my coworker and avoid her. Next time I see her I will make sure to smile real big and say hello!

[Murphy]

We are all hurting someone, and we don't deserve hurting anymore than other people do!

Oh my God, this. I always worry that I'm going to start taking things out on other people like my mother, but I never thought of the fact that taking it out on myself isn't any better.