My therapist is sticking up for me. My wife disagrees very strongly with my therapist on a number of key issues. It's complicated, because my wife went to a different group run by my therapist (who I see with a group and individually). I was seeing a different therapist for about 2 yrs but stopped seeing him for several reasons - (1) I felt like things were stuck and not really progressing; I would just go in every week and vent about what happened since the last appointment, (2) I had started going to group and felt comfortable and was making progress/getting insight with the new therapist, (3) there was a "too many cooks issue" - I had a therapist A, my wife had a therapist B, we were both going to different groups run by therapist C, and we were going to counseling together with counselor D. All at the same time. B,C, and D were all in the same practice. Now I see C for group and individual (though he can only get me in every 2-4 weeks alone, group is weekly), wife is seeing B weekly but hasn't been to group in months and months, and we stopped seeing D about six months ago.
Anyway - my therapist is good - he knows both of us, knows a lot of the problem and does stick up for me. I have a hard time sticking up for me sometimes. And my wife acknowledges these things. She knows that I need to be able to do these things, and she feels very guilty about her reactions and her behaviors. She doesn't want to control me and keep me from doing what I need to do to grow, but at the same time, her reactions and behaviors make things not feel safe and then they push me to do things I shouldn't do because I can't do what I need to do in the open. But that's as much my fault (conflict avoidance, not standing up for myself) as it is hers, right?
Confused - an update
Re: Confused - an update
Still really struggling this week. Stress up to my eyeballs - work, home, finances. Feel really crappy about myself, my life, and how powerless I feel to change anything for the better. Birthday this weekend - always an occasion to reflect on how little has improved since last year. Spending the weekend with my in-laws (hooray) and have the fun of an eight hour car ride each way with my wife for that privilege. In some ways, it will be better to be out of our house for the weekend, since the last few weekends have been seriously unpleasant.
I am struggling. Still a lot of anxiety and tension from my wife about everything under the sun. Feel hopeless about things getting better. I have not been texting anyone from my support group this week, and that is something that had been really helpful but I now feel bad about it so it is tainted and I am hurting from that loss of connection. I am going cold turkey this week on some compulsive behaviors that I think have been causing me some problems or at least preventing me from getting over some things, and that has been difficult too. I am just so overwhelmed and exhausted and I don't have any reliable escape or release that I can count on to wind down and feel safe. Several times a day I feel like I just can't take it, but then I realize that I can, because I have been taking it for years and years and years. I just don't like it and don't want to take it anymore. But I don't know what to do.
I am struggling. Still a lot of anxiety and tension from my wife about everything under the sun. Feel hopeless about things getting better. I have not been texting anyone from my support group this week, and that is something that had been really helpful but I now feel bad about it so it is tainted and I am hurting from that loss of connection. I am going cold turkey this week on some compulsive behaviors that I think have been causing me some problems or at least preventing me from getting over some things, and that has been difficult too. I am just so overwhelmed and exhausted and I don't have any reliable escape or release that I can count on to wind down and feel safe. Several times a day I feel like I just can't take it, but then I realize that I can, because I have been taking it for years and years and years. I just don't like it and don't want to take it anymore. But I don't know what to do.
Re: Confused - an update
Happy birthday
I'm wondering what you're burning to fuel your endurance. Talking physically, we have fat stores we can burn when we need energy, and when those are gone, we begin consuming ourselves, our muscles, our bones, our vital organs. I wonder what the psychological equivalent is when we don't have joy to balance out the times when we must simply hold on. Capacity for joy? Love? Empathy? What's taken, and then, what is left over after all is burned. Hatred? Nothing?
And I wonder what the difference is between endurance and resignation. Maybe for endurance you need to have a clear goal in sight, while resignation is accepting a pathless state of being. Stuck in purgatory?
In your shoes, what would help me, personally, come to a decision would be imagining a kid. I would imagine having one, and knowing that it is by my example that it will learn, and follow in my foot steps. What kind of example would I want to give. If I would see this child that I love in the situation I am in, what would I want it to do.
I'm sorry you had such a tough week. From the sounds of it, the people in your group care for you. I'm no expert or anything, but I would encourage you not to let yourself shut them out. Take gentle care of yourself, and hopefully the next week will offer something worthwhile for you.
I'm wondering what you're burning to fuel your endurance. Talking physically, we have fat stores we can burn when we need energy, and when those are gone, we begin consuming ourselves, our muscles, our bones, our vital organs. I wonder what the psychological equivalent is when we don't have joy to balance out the times when we must simply hold on. Capacity for joy? Love? Empathy? What's taken, and then, what is left over after all is burned. Hatred? Nothing?
And I wonder what the difference is between endurance and resignation. Maybe for endurance you need to have a clear goal in sight, while resignation is accepting a pathless state of being. Stuck in purgatory?
In your shoes, what would help me, personally, come to a decision would be imagining a kid. I would imagine having one, and knowing that it is by my example that it will learn, and follow in my foot steps. What kind of example would I want to give. If I would see this child that I love in the situation I am in, what would I want it to do.
I'm sorry you had such a tough week. From the sounds of it, the people in your group care for you. I'm no expert or anything, but I would encourage you not to let yourself shut them out. Take gentle care of yourself, and hopefully the next week will offer something worthwhile for you.
Re: Confused - an update
Thanks.Happy birthday
I don't always know. I self-medicate with food. Exercise helps, but I have been slacking on getting enough of that as well as the sleep. Detaching, really. Podcasts. Porn. Fantasies about a better life. I do feel like whatever is fueling me, the tank has been mostly empty and I have been running on fumes for a long time. Connecting with people (the stripper I met a few years ago, the people in my group) has been the only thing that has recharged me, but I don't think that it has done so in a healthy constructive way in all cases.I'm wondering what you're burning to fuel your endurance.
I used to have a goal in mind - I thought that I could get through anything for a period of time, and the suffering and sacrifice would be a worthwhile investment for things getting better. Now I'm not so sure. I don't feel like I have any control over whether I can reach the goal, or if it is even realistic any more, or if it was even reasonable in the first place. Stuck is right.And I wonder what the difference is between endurance and resignation. Maybe for endurance you need to have a clear goal in sight, while resignation is accepting a pathless state of being. Stuck in purgatory?
Painful. I want kids so bad. But I'm not sure that my wife and I could set a good example and be good parents. I'm afraid of fucking someone else up. We can't even take care of ourselves or each other. I have the shameful thought that I could do better for myself or a kid without her, though. And I am so ashamed and angry at myself for even having that unforgivable thought.In your shoes, what would help me, personally, come to a decision would be imagining a kid.
I know that wasn't your point, though. I would want them to be happy and fulfilled and do what is best for them - but I also wouldn't want them to be selfish and hurt other people, or be a quitter and give up.
Re: Confused - an update
You know, I just read this, and sometimes it has literally been sleep deprivation torture. Not fun for either of us.manuel_moe_g wrote: Plenty of relationships survive infidelity. Having absolutely no space or privacy to process feelings and thoughts is akin to sleep deprivation torture. I am mad at your therapists for not sticking up for you, it seems nearly criminal.