Broken

[summer15]

For some reason I cannot shake this awful mood. The amount of rejection I received yesterday was enough to break me. This time last week I was happier than happy, finally thinking that it was finally my turn to be happy. I was dating an awesome guy who I thought was beyond perfect; I fell fast and hard (it was not even a month). Then last Saturday we took things a step further and we slept together and then all the sudden hes distant. So of course another guy has gotten what he wanted from me and left my life. When I finally confronted him about it yesterday he said he didn't feel "it" during sex so he was done. I have many guys walk in and out of my life. But the part that is really hurting me is that he told me it was great until we had sex. I am so angry at myself, but then I have to think that if he is telling the truth this would have happened no matter when we did it so its good it happened sooner rather than later. The same day he told me this I got a call from the job I really really wanted...I didn't get it. So if i wasn't broken enough by the guy thing this really pushed me past my breaking point. I can't even count anymore how many guys have just left my life for no reason...I am always happy for a month and then they leave and I am stuck confused. And now I never want to feel that again, I never want to be so hurt by a guy to the point of being so disgusted that I literally want to vomit. I feel like giving up ever trying to find someone because really they all end this way and I cannot take it. I love myself I really do, but I just feel defeated. I begin to get annoyed with all my friends because they all have a significant other and I don't get why I can't; I get so lonely. I am so sick of being used.

I am not sure what I am hoping to gain by writing this, but all I know is for the past few days I have just been crying a TON and wanting to just become numb to any feeling. Sorry for rambling, I think I just needed to get some of this out...

At least I can always find a song that reflects how I feel :

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

[weary]

I am not sure what I am hoping to gain by writing this, but all I know is for the past few days I have just been crying a TON and wanting to just become numb to any feeling. Sorry for rambling, I think I just needed to get some of this out...

Vent and ramble away. The way you're feeling is OK and normal. It sounds like you hurt a lot. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Rejection sucks.

I know that it feels safer to think about withdrawing and not putting yourself out there because you won't be risking further rejection, but you also will be missing out on the chance to find something better. I've been coming to the realization in my life that shutting down to avoid the pain also prevents you from finding pleasure and joy and satisfaction in life. You're smart enough that you have realized that there are patterns in your life and in your relationships that you don't want to continue, and that's a great thing. The challenge will be to replace them with new, more skillful patterns that will help you identify what you need out of a relationship and out of life itself and seek it out and achieve it. It won't be easy and it probably won't happen overnight, but you will find a loving, caring partner who values you and treats you well, and you will find career satisfaction. Reaching out to people (here and in "real life") is a great first step. We're all broken in our way but we all have the capacity to heal and to help others to heal. Best wishes.

[Tyler Durden]

Sorry, my heart goes out to you. That really sucks! Had a girl do that to me once, hurt real bad for about 6 months.

I'm not a therapist and probably shouldn't really be giving advise, but it's probably about time you see this world for what it really is. This may sound mean and harsh, but I'm just going to say it. The world is not here to coddle you or help you find peace, happiness and comfort. It will take from you as much as you are willing to give it. It wants to destroy you, eat you up and spit you out. How do you stop this from happening? You must know yourself. You are not your job, you are not your mother's daughter, you are not your hobbies, you are not your boyfriend's girlfriend, you are not defined by your house/apartment. Strip yourself of everything and you will know learn who you really are and how just how ridiculous it is that we stress over the comforts and conveniences of this first world western life. Stay on your same track and nothing will change. Look at your anxiety and depression as an awaking. You don't have let society dictate to you what is good, what is bad, what you need or what you want.

[Tyler Durden]

summer15,

Sorry the last post was a little over the top. Hope you're feeling better. I'm really sorry things are so tough right now.

[summer15]

Weary, thank you so much. Everything you said is everything I needed to hear and some of it I have heard, but I think hearing it from someone I don't know opened my eyes a bit. Everyone that knows me just tells me things to make me feel better because they don't like to see me hurt, but you don't have to see me so I think it meant more coming from you. I also like what you said about shutting out with make me miss out in life's pleasures. I am trying not to shut things out as much. I notice when I do I sleep alot because then I cannot think about everything. But, I have gone out purposely to make myself not just wallow alone in my room. I still need to not pursue any guys though, I cannot handle that right now. If one comes along they will have a huge barrier to break through but if they make it through then that means they must be right, right? haha. Well thank you tons for real.

Tyler, I understand where you are coming from, but I also appreciate you apologizing. Some of that was hard to read, but a lot of it is right. I know it is silly to "Sweat the small stuff", but most of us cannot help it. Trust me I would love to not care I would love to not think about it and I know people have it worse than I do. But when I sit here and my mind wanders it can really hurt and it just a feeling I get that I cannot control. It is a raw feeling and emotion that can be my worst nightmare, but at the same time it means I am still here, still alive, and still experience the good and bad of life.

[Tyler Durden]

Summer15,

I talk big, but am too much of a coward to take my own advice. Thanks for understanding.

[weary]

You're welcome. We've all been there and we all are still there sometimes. Stay true to yourself.

[weary]

. Everyone that knows me just tells me things to make me feel better because they don't like to see me hurt, but you don't have to see me so I think it meant more coming from you.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time believing people are sincere. I feel like when I talk about my problems, it makes them uncomfortable so they act nice to shut me up. it's really nice when someone cares who doesn't have to care.