I'm scared.

[DichotomousVince]

In a week plus change, I'll be entering my fourth year of university. I've adjusted my availability for work accordingly, so that I'll be able to put my academic performance and attempts to launch my writing first and foremost. I've found a super-useful tool in my smartphone and all its assorted apps to help me manage everything in one place... I've organized a study group amongst a few of my friends in order to create an environment where I can be sure to actually get work done when I need to, and started contacting people about the myself and the members of my podcast doing a panel at a local convention our university organizes this upcoming February...

...and I feel absolutely, positively terrified that the possibility that it's all not going to be enough has entirely eluded me up until now. It feels like the degree of cataclysm that will follow my failure is only proportional to the amount of preparation I've done to PREVENT my failure.

I'm afraid that the risk I've decided to take in reducing my work hours in order to focus on school will be a massive mistake. That my attempts to put something in motion will fall through and put me right back where I started: in a job I can't stand with a giant chasm yawning out between me and the future I want.

I'm afraid that no matter how hard I work, I don't have what it takes. Whatever that is. Not enough talent, or networking know-how, or SOMETHING, some missing component that's essential for obtaining professional and academic success. When I was a kid, I got taken to be evaluated on my intelligence, it was determined that I was "above average, but not gifted". It feels like that's the story of my life. I'm good, but not good enough.

I've been keeping up with writing, with working out, with reading and continuously trying to absorb new info and use it to better myself and create new things, but sometimes I wonder if my attempts are at best well-meant attempts, and at worst self-masturbatory delusions of personal development.

I don't know what else I can do to quiet the voices that tell me it'll all be for naught, no matter what I try. The fear just feels... acidic, eating away at my determination and resolve. I don't. Know what. To do.

Somebody help me. Please.

[Kit Pistol]

Hello fellow listener,

What helps me is some self talk. I say to myself "all I can do is the footwork and let go of the results". I can only control my behavior. I also say "my life will happen as it should". Hang in there, you appear to be much to hard on yourself.

Breathe deeply,

Kit

[justdom]

...and I feel absolutely, positively terrified that the possibility that it's all not going to be enough has entirely eluded me up until now. It feels like the degree of cataclysm that will follow my failure is only proportional to the amount of preparation I've done to PREVENT my failure.

DichotomousVince, this is pretty much where I live.
There used to be a show on TV in the 80s called 'Press Your Luck'. The idea was get as much money and as many prizes as possible while avoiding the 'Whammy' which would take all your stuff. Most times the game would come down to two people, one person having one spin left, and the announcer saying ' You need something with a spin'. They might land on a 'round the world' trip, but it wouldn't be enough. Life feels like that for me, and it sounds like your current experience.

I think it's easy to look at what we're doing as a function of 'is it <blank> enough?' The problem with that is that what we're comparing it to changes too much. It might have been enough 5 minutes ago it. I might be enough 2 hours from now. And especially with education, the old way of "get a degree, find a job" isn't so clear and easy-to-follow anymore.

One of the things I'm doing now is to look at what I'm doing more qualitatively, so the question becomes "Am I enjoying this NOW, and do I want to continue?", because that's all I really have. I'm not saying run away at the first sign of difficulty, but I find that by keeping my attention on what I'm doing in the present helps me explore other avenues and possibilities. So even if I end up not exactly where I thought I would, I've still developed myself in the process, and, most importantly, I've enjoyed the journey.

Hope this helps.

Dom