Hopeless

[bestia]

I'm having a less than great day. I was going through expert testimony and medical records of a murder and rape case involving a victim coerced into compliance, and there were questions about how guilty she was of the acts that she had assisted her husband with. The team of therapists evaluating her compared her mental state to that of a concentration camp survivor, the victim of a sexual sadists typical brainwashing tactics that works through a mixture of isolation and physical, sexual, and psychological torture. The law isn't really well codified to deal with something like that. We have the principle of duress, but we don't really have encoded duress into situations where the source of it isn't present anywhere else but in the mind of the victim, and so, in the end, she wasn't treated like a victim, but as a perpetrator. That's very annoying to me, as all species of "blaming the victim" annoy me. It upset me, but it's not what really is at the top of my mind right now.

I'm a sexual sadist. And I don't mean that in a "how about we try to play with a little bit of pain" kind of way you might find in BDSM. I'm talking about the real deal. That's my mental disorder. I've been fighting it for many, many, many years now. And I would like to think that I am ok, that I have shown myself to be ok in very tempting or triggering situations where the predatory instincts flared up like a nova, but I did not act, I did not lose myself, and most importantly, that I will be ok. That I won't lose myself to this. When you read the literature something you come across inevitably is that for the adult, criminal, sexual sadist there is no treatment. Now, all those words are important. Adult, and criminal. The way I always took this was that after the break, they remain broken beyond repair, to dangerous to let them back into society. I didn't take it as the break being unavoidable. You also read that it's degenerative, getting worse over time. That worries me, but it didn't take away my hope. What I didn't know until today is that apparently self awareness of ones condition as a sexual sadist and a pro-active approach is extremely common, that many seek therapy or other means of self regulation in order to prevent the break, and that in every single recorded case they have failed. That scares the crap out of me, and it ... takes me close to resignation today. I'm only 30. I have ten years time before I'm in the age bracket where the break usually occurs. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to get devoured by the beast within. My compassion, my empathy, my moral code, anything that means anything to me... how can it be that this will fade. For 12 years I've invested an incredible amount of energy in trying to fix, get rid, compartmentalize, cope, channel, dealt with shame, fear, - of self, of others, -, history of abuse, anything that might be a cause. So much energy, so much time, so much painful growth. And to read that there is no point to it all, and that there is no hope, and no path, ...

What am I supposed to do with that information, that there is nobody who can help, and that there is no real hope, and that despite any effort, I am, and remain, a ticking time bomb. To me, that's a death sentence.

[Herself]

Wow. Not even sure what to say!

I'm sorry that you have to struggle so. Do you have a therapist or anyone qualified to talk to?

[bestia]

I had a bad day. I'm ok now. Right now I'm not seeing a therapist. I have in the past, with rather mixed results, to put it mildly. And since I thought I had a handle on it, I didn't see a need anymore. I have a good friend though who I can talk to about it. I talked to her today, mentioning a moment I had eating out when I had a spontaneous second desert because, what does it matter now, it's not like there is a future for me, just this moment in time now, precious and fleeting, and she made it pretty clear that what I was doing was not celebrating the now, or embracing the moment, but giving up on my future, giving up on everything I have accomplished so far, and that I'm showing myself to be just ready, and willing, and waiting, nurturing a defeatist attitude, setting course for a self fulfilling prophecy. A real kick in the ass, and I needed it. I'm not going to be that guy, who gives up. Nobody likes that guy. I don't like that guy. And while I appreciate your sentiment, I don't lament the struggle, it's part of life, probably for everyone in some way. It's not something to resent, or to regret, but to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that there are mountains to climb in life, mighty challenges that force us to grow mightier than they are. None of us make it to the other side without some scratches, scars, or bruises, but when we do they are the marks of our achievements, so we might as well be proud of them.

I love this quote from Rocky. "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"