The ups and downs never end

[JasmineP]

hey everyone,

i've been gone for a while. I was busy with school, busy working on comics for an art show, busy being stressed planning that and then after that i was free and it was so damn glorious. I celebrated my 24th birthday doing things i love (talking comics, going to the movies, spending time alone and spending time with some new friends for balance) and then I fell into crushing depression and anxiety for a while before leveling out or something. I haven't sought professional help, I've been that special type of 'busy' where I don't have the 'time' to go and find someone to fix me. I've been whiny, solitary and then it would break and i'd be fine again.

The holidays really fuck me up because after my mom died i felt i had no reason to care about them. My brothers an i are adults, i'm the youngest, so it's not that childlike glee of the holidays, and I have no one to lavish attention on so remember what I'm thankful for and all that jazz isn't the easiest. I am spotty over here, i'm going to read some people posts and give what moral support i can.

i've been thinking about this and i throw things out to everyone and people here can be a specific 'part' of that everyone. I made a video on my mostly quiet youtube channel back in April about my mom dying and why i share that information and what type of response i want. it's not sympathy, i guess it's more just understanding and it being a fact of my life. i talk and think about her often, both positively and negatively. The thing that most annoys me is that she'll never get to see who i am as an adult. i also tell a joke to end it on a higher note because she wouldn't want people dwelling on her death but celebrating her life. If you're interested, the video is here

The next thing i wanted to share is my personal website, and i guess by extension my entire name. That's a thing I guess. i talk about my fears, anxieties and depression there so it's not that big of a leap for me. i'm pretty vocal about it everywhere except facebook because that's too many people who know too many different things and i have to interact with many of them on an often enough basis that directly saying things doesn't always seem right. So, my blog and art site is Jasmine-Pinales.com. So, that's a thing.

i've been thinking a lot recently about how antagonistic and stressful the maternal side of my family is, i know they love me but I don't know how to deal with them and their inability to accept me. i'm not even that far off the beaten path of whatever normal is, but i'm weird enough that they don't understand and maybe i don't try hard enough to make them understand or they don't try hard enough to try to understand me but it's just stressful. i haven't even seen them, it's thinking about seeing them that makes me anxious. no bueno.

The last major thing going on, I'm about to graduate from college, only a few more weeks. So stressful. money, what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go and how i'm going to attain the job i really want. it'll be figured out soon, i guess, i hope I can stumble into something i can work with soon. I don't know, i try not to think about it too much because if I do I get freaked out and want to just lay on my bed in the dark and not think about anything.

A happier note, i got to hang out with my best friend today. We had brunch and went out to see Lincoln which was incredibly enjoyable and satisfying. This was my best day in my home town. coming here is stressful, being in my home town is boring and I don't feel welcome in my childhood home, which leads me to spending my entire day mindless staring at my laptop and being so damn unproductive. I draw nothing, I barely read, it's just a crushing depression that doesn't even work like my normal depression. I feel like who i like being when I leave the house and i feel like a stranger when i'm here. My grandmother tells me not to say never when i tell her I'm never living here again, but she doesn't understand just how toxic this house, this fucking town (incorporated place actually) is to me. I just can't live here. I'm driving back to my college town tomorrow so i'll be back to where I belong for now but I keep my sights set on moving away. I don't belong there forever either, I haven't lived where need to be yet, that's fine, i look forward to when i get there and i hope I recognize it before moving away.

[CBM89]

"coming here is stressful, being in my home town is boring and I don't feel welcome in my childhood home, which leads me to spending my entire day mindless staring at my laptop and being so damn unproductive. I draw nothing, I barely read, it's just a crushing depression that doesn't even work like my normal depression. I feel like who i like being when I leave the house and i feel like a stranger when i'm here. "

I know how you feel. I get the same thing. As soon as I step foot outside, like, to head out somewhere or meet a friend, I feel like a different person. I envy people with childhood homes they want to be in.

You aren't alone!