Just checking in . . .

[walklikeanegyptian]

So I ended up NOT spending Xmas alone after all which was really nice. Had a really nice time, but still feel like the outsider. I am not married and have no children, and although I have family not far from me, they are scary dysfunctional and raging and I decided a few years ago to not spend any more time with them, or at least as little as possible. My family was/is sadistic -- they like to exclude me from family events on a whim and my parents have played favorites in a very scary and damaging way. As an adult, I was left with a deep and profound sense that I was a lesser human being.

So that leaves me alone. Due to my depression and social anxiety, I don't have a lot of friends -- a few, but not a lot. SInce my social skills and social uncomfortableness lead me to feel so isolated and due to my family being so hellacious, I realized that a very powerful and subconscious part of me felt that the world owed me a social life, and boy was I pissed that I didn't have what I felt was my due. And I SHOULD have had it easier, but that fact doesn't really inspire other people to include me in their lives. And I was also sort of hoping any old person would just include me, without asking myself, "wow, do I really want to be around this person? Is this what I want my life to look like?"

Two years ago, my closest friend of over 20 years dumped me. Since I had no real family, I considered her family. Now I was really alone. But today, I am glad that happened. She was very abusive to me and our dynamic mimicked my family dynamic to a "tee". The farther away I got from her, the more I could see that. And being away from her gave me clarity that I was not taking responsibility for creating my own happiness, my own career, and my own social life. Being away from her gave me clarity as to how abusive she was being and how I had allowed that to be my choice of friends.

So now, bit by bit, I am starting to carve out an existence that feels authentic. I went away after Xmas and spent time with some folks who really took a shine to me, and who felt like my kind of people -- nerdy artsy intellectuals and academics. I feel most comfortable around these people. I am super smart and I have watched people grow blank expressions on their faces when i begin to speak, so watching people be really interested in what i had to say was very refreshing. It felt very validating and good.

Anyway, just checking in . . .

[shaunathon]

Glad you had somewhere to go on Christmas. I had a family Christmas (not mine either) for the first time in years too. I know exactly what you mean about making friends also. It's really hard when you're a unique person with a lot going on under the surface and you just want some kind of companion you can click with.