An Open Letter To My Ex-Therapist

[in_media_res]

I worked with my ex-therapist for two and one-half years. In that time, I accomplished a lot. I quit a lifelong (started at age 14) drinking habit. Overcame bladder cancer with multiple tumor removals over two years. Forgave my Mother for how she treated me as a child, and all the anger she directed at me and my brothers. Talked, and talked, and talked about all manner of hurts and disappointments.

We'd been stuck trying to work on an issue I have communicating with those close to me -- there were some ancillary issues, and I was struggling to overcome my fears. I've since learned the fear is due, at least in part, from borderline personality disorder and an intense fear of abandonment. (A diagnosis I'd suggested to her at one point, only to have her scoff and reject it out of hand. She's probably changed her mind about that now.)

In short, it felt like we did a lot. I was stuck in making progress, but remained dedicated. It was in that spirit that on March 22, 2012 I began to open up to her about the communication fears I'd talked about before. At about 5:30 in the afternoon, just as I was getting started, she told me she was terminating the relationship.

Rightly or wrongly, I was traumatized. Literally. Shaking. In tears, begging her not to do it, not to give up on me. She gave me lots of clichés about how this was something she was doing for me, not to me; and that all I needed was a few days to process the news and I'd be fine. In reality, within three days I was paging my psychiatrist -- her clinic director -- asking for his help with intense thoughts of suicide.

I've tried to contact her multiple times. She spoke with me for about ten minutes on the phone, while I was driving home. Blamed me for not wanting to change, and explaining she just didn't really have any more ideas. Wasn't sure who might be able to help me -- because, after all, I just needed to talk with my family more and everything would be just fine.

I've sent a couple of letters, the following one about three weeks ago. She's never responded. I called four times over a two week period in May, asking to meet and expressing my disbelief that she'd refuse to help me make some sort of transition. She responded with threats, communicated to a new therapist I'd found on my own, that I faced risks if I continued to "harass" her.

It's not really clear to me why I still find this so traumatic, over eight months after the fact. My new psychiatrist has said that "another person would have gotten over it." So, I guess I'm not another person.

My former therapist refuses to speak with me, refuses to hear what I feel I need to say.

I insist, for one of the few times in my life, that I will be heard. So, it's now I'm posting it as an open letter. I need to tell this story. Names are changed. She has made legal threats against me, and I have a career and family to try and protect. Ms. H is my former therapist, an LPC. Dr. Q is an MD, the clinic director, and my former psychiatrist. Dr. C is a Ph.D LCSW, and the person who's patiently worked with me try and overcome this abandonment.

Ms. H:

I first wrote this letter in late July, four months to the day after you chose to terminate our relationship. I’ve refrained from sending it -- Dr. C felt it would be unwelcome. But now, almost four months after first writing these words, and eight since you abruptly withdrew your care for me, I’ve reached a point where I feel it’s essential I send this to you. The way you chose to end our relationship was deeply traumatic to me. Even after all this time, I struggle each and every day to come to terms with how you chose to terminate your responsibilities, and the complete disregard you seem to have for how that decision affected me. It's my hope that by sharing these thoughts with you I'll finally find a way to let go of the pain your actions created.

There are three things I'd like you to know.

First, I want to reiterate my thanks for all the things you did for me. I spoke about this in my first letter. I'm not sure I need to elaborate on this beyond what I said at that time. I'll just say I was sincere in what I said then, I still feel that way, and I appreciate all you did to help me. I feel like there was much of value that resulted from our work together. I regret you felt the relationship needed to end -- it's not what I wanted, but I've long since learned to respect your choice.

Second, I'd like to offer my sincere apology for any discomfort or distress I may have caused you through my actions or statements since you broke off the relationship. Please understand it was never my intent to frighten or annoy you.

The letter I sent, the statements I made in my many meetings with Dr. Q, and my phone messages to both of you were all sincere efforts to try and connect with you, and overcome the intense pain and rejection I've felt. I'll be candid. At the time I left the messages for you in mid-May, I was planning to commit suicide. I believed if I did, it would make you understand how profoundly disturbing I've found your handling of the end of our relationship.

You told Dr. C you found those phone messages to be “dark and harassing.” Given my mindset at the time, perhaps that was unavoidable. In any event, I regret you found them disturbing, and I apologize. I was desperately trying to connect with you, to convince you to speak with me. I couldn't understand -- frankly, I still don't -- why you elected to abandon me and cut off all communications.

Which brings me to my third point

When I first came to you -- our very first session -- you diagnosed poor self-esteem. I've come to understand, in working with you and Dr. C, that I've struggled my entire life with messages from people who were important to me -- my parents, friends, teachers, bosses, even my first wife -- that I just wasn't that important. I didn't matter. No matter how much I struggled, and worked, and tried to make everything as perfect as possible -- it just never seemed like enough. Things never turned out quite right. They weren't good enough. They, and I, were just not enough for the people in my life to accept me. As you may remember, I viewed myself -- and still do in many ways -- as a failure.

I came to you for help in overcoming that self-doubt and internal criticism. One of the things you said to me when you ended treatment was I always seemed to have an excuse for not being able to do things you asked. I'm sorry I wasn't able to do all those tasks. I'm sorry I wasn't able to develop the courage, or the insight, or whatever it is I need to be able to face these feelings down.

I'm sure you found it frustrating. And I can understand your reluctance to continue to work with me given those continued failures. But in the end, it's clear to me what you're telling me is you're casting your lot with all the other people in my life who I've failed. I did the best I could. And it wasn't enough. I failed you, and in everything you've said and done you've made it clear it's my fault. I've struggled to try and understand why you've elected such a hurtful and traumatic way to end our relationship.

You told Dr. C I've "insisted" on taking the termination personally. How can I interpret your statements and actions in any other way? You told me what I was doing wasn't good enough, and that I'd failed. You told me I was just "using therapy as an excuse not to change." You told Dr. Q I was "complaining and not changing." You told me I didn't do the things you wanted, and that I always had some excuse for not being able to carry out some task. And ever since you made the choice to terminate our relationship, everything you've done has sent the unmistakable message I just don't matter.

I wasn't worth the time or effort it would have taken you to acknowledge the pain and distress I felt when you told me you were terminating therapy. I literally begged you multiple times not to end the relationship. You responded with dismissive, empty assurances this was something "being done for me, not to me." You were sarcastic, asking me if I thought therapy would "last forever." You gave me the empty promise I just needed a few days to "process" the news, and I'd be fine.

I wasn't even worth your taking the time to finish the session. I told you the problem I had been struggling with, and didn't even have a chance to ask you for help when you declared you were done. You made this choice on a whim. You did it without a thought of how I might feel, without considering any sort of transition plan, or whether I'd need help dealing with your choice. You handed me the billing form and showed me the door.

Over the following weekend, I tried calling you and leaving a message. I ended up paging Dr. Q for help with thoughts of suicide. Dr. Q talked with me, and agreed to meet. I'm sure he shared my distress with you. But even with all of that, I wasn't worth your taking the time to call me until the end of the day the following Tuesday.

When you did call, it was while I was commuting. I struggled to compose myself, drive, and find a place to park for the ten minutes you gave me. In that time, you ridiculed me for being upset and surprised about your decision. You blamed me for the failure of therapy. You told me all I needed to do was talk with my friends and spouse, ignoring the very fears I'd tried to explain to you in our aborted session. Your tone and attitude during the time you spoke to me made it clear you viewed my need to speak with you as an imposition. You gave me a few minutes, begrudgingly. In the end, when I finally was able to pull over and try to collect my thoughts you ended the call, telling me you had someone waiting.

The next day, when advised you had an appointment available, I asked to see you. I hoped to better understand your decision, and talk about where and how I might continue to seek help for the issues I struggle with. You refused. You had the time. You could have met to help me with the transition. But you refused -- because I just don’t matter.

I tried sharing my thoughts and fears in a letter. I waited for weeks, checking the mail daily for some response. I waited for some acknowledgement you'd received it and read it. As you know, that acknowledgement never came. I'm not worth the time it would take you to compose a response. For all I know, I'm not even worth your having taken the time to read it.

I met multiple times with Dr. Q, explaining the pain and distress I felt, and asking him to communicate this to you. He's assured me he did speak with you. But my fears and frustrations aren't worth the time it would take you to respond.

Even when you became frustrated with my continuing phone messages, you didn't think I was worth communicating with about the matter. You did, though, find the time to compose a letter to Dr. C. I'm worth so little, you couldn't even be bothered to warn me of your frustration -- you left the task to Dr. C and Dr. Q.

So yes. I suppose I do take it personally. I'm not sure how I can possibly interpret your actions any other way. You cut me off in mid-session. You blamed me for the failure of therapy. You gave me ten minutes on the phone to discuss my distress. And you've refused to respond to multiple, desperate requests for help in understanding exactly how any of this treatment is "therapeutic."

I worked with you for two and one-half years. I trusted you, and I tried my best to do the things you wanted me to do. I put great stock in your advice, and I carefully considered and valued your opinions. In all you've done -- and not done -- surrounding the termination of your care for me, your opinion has been very clear. This is all my fault. I've failed yet again at something vitally important to me. I've disappointed someone who was important to me. I don't matter and I'm just not worth caring about.

As I mentioned earlier, I think I understand why you felt like you couldn’t work with me anymore. Maybe you just didn’t want the hassle. But the way you chose to carry out that decision -- and your continued refusal to speak with me -- have left me with a great deal of trauma, pain, and suffering. As I said to you in a phone message -- before you threatened me -- I think about this every day. I still do. I fear I’ll think about it every day for a very long time to come. And I still don’t understand how someone who professes to care for the health and well-being of her patients can just walk away from someone and leave them in such pain.

With regret,

[walklikeanegyptian]

OMG, you SO did not deserve this. Guess what? She's a shitty therapist. Yes, she helped you with a bunch of stuff. But when it came down to the lynchpin of your agony, she unconsciously fed right into your dynamic of people telling you you're not good enough. If she were a better therapist THAT WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED!!! She would have recognized that her frustration with you was transference and she would have dealt with her frustration with her own therapist.

Also, she could have simply said to you, "I am feeling really frustrated with you right now. You seem to always have an excuse to not do what I ask you to do to get better. This makes me feel like I am not a good therapist, and that I am not helping you. I feel angry and frustrated and sad." This statement might have had such an impact on you that you would start looking a little bit at how you affect other people. It would help you see that you are not "nothing", that who you are and your actions have an impact on the lives of others, and that your health or lack of it makes your therapist sad.

Instead, she let her ego get hurt and then took it out on you. Hah! Do you think you're the only client in the world who is resistant? She's the loser, not you.

I've been down this road, where my prescribing psychiatrist just dumped me out of nowhere. My next therapist told me she had history with this prescribing psychiatrist -- she had actually abandoned a client to the UCLA psych ward for 5 days without returning her phone call for help. And I don't mind telling you her name: it's Deborah Nadel, and she practices in Santa Monica. Avoid like the plague!!

So just know you are not alone. Lots of crazies out there, and a lot of them are shrinks! Caveat emptor!

[in_media_res]

Dear walklikeanegyptian:

Thanks very much for the comments, I appreciate it greatly. If she handled it the way you describe, I think it would have been easier to handle. Or at least provided some assistance in transferring to another therapist.

Anyway, I do appreciate it. Thank you.

[ghughes1980]

Wow, sorry that happened. I hope you find someone that is more compatible and helpful. No one deserves to feel that horrible. Good luck