Avoidance and Guilt

[weary]

Anyone else have trouble getting stuck in a rut and procrastinating and avoiding things because you feel like people will think you're stupid or that you will somehow "get in trouble" for something? Not big, earth shattering things. Everyday things. I have so much of a backlog of stuff that I feel awful and guilty about and yet I still avoid, avoid, avoid.

Someone dented my car in the parking garage last spring, and after getting angry the day I discovered it, finally got around to getting an estimate for fixing the dent and repainting a few months later and then did nothing. Then, in late October, I found that someone had keyed "Fuck You" and a crude picture of male genitalia on the passenger side of my car. I didn't call the cops for either incident - for the latter, I'm not sure how long I was driving around with that before I noticed it, because I always approach my car from the drivers side at home and work so it may have been up to a week before I noticed it.

I finally got around to calling my insurance company yesterday, and it was hard, and I feel really stupid that it was hard and that I still feel shitty and guilty. As expected, the claims adjuster gave me a hard time about the fact that it took me a long time to report it and that I didn't call the police, and that really pressed on my "getting in trouble" buttons. I think it will work out fine and I'm glad that I did it, but I wish things didn't feel that way and I wish I didn't respond to that feeling by avoidance and procrastination. It feels really stupid to write about this - I feel very guilty and ashamed.

[weary]

I'm struggling with a lot of stuff with my marriage, my career, and just not having a lot of friends/support/happiness/satisfaction, and I've realized that so much of it comes back to feeling shitty about myself. I feel like my preferences, my opinions, the things that make me me don't matter. I feel like I have to meet all of the expectations and demands of everyone else. I feel that I have no real worth outside of what I can do for other people and I am defined by my accomplishments even as I discount them and feel like they always fall short, so I always feel like a failure even if I can look at objective evidence to the contrary. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like everything is falling apart, like I'm fighting every moment to avoid breaking down in tears or flying into a mad rage. I want to be wanted, not needed. I want to be liked, appreciated and respected for who I am - just me. I want to feel like I'm good enough and my accomplishments are good enough for myself and for other people.

[talkthedog]

You are not alone. I have needed to call the IRS by the 17th.... It's a the sixteenth. I just dread it even though I have dealt with them before. But I spin things in my head and make them worse than they are (although they are pretty bad). And if that doesn't make you feel better , I drove last winter with a cracked windshield. Finall called last spring and never got around to getting it fixed. Now I am going to have to call again.

[talkthedog]

I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK.........sorry but just got off the phone with IRS and am totally stressed out. I have dug myself into a hole and its going to be so hard to get out . I am crying as I write this and and sick of burdening my friends with my crap so I just figured I would come here instead.......

[weary]

I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK.........sorry but just got off the phone with IRS and am totally stressed out. I have dug myself into a hole and its going to be so hard to get out . I am crying as I write this and and sick of burdening my friends with my crap so I just figured I would come here instead.......

Sorry to hear about that. Financial stress really hurts. I obviously don't know the details about your specific situation, but it's not a reflection of how good a person you are or how smart/successful or anything else that you are. The fact that you are taking your financial responsibilities seriously is a sign of your character - think about how many people make it their mission in life to not pay taxes because they think they shouldn't have to. I feel for you, I wish you well, and this crisis will pass. Stay strong.

[talkthedog]

Thank you!!!! I really needed that!