Tired and burned out.

[Geoff]

I'm feeling a bit more off than usual today. Just a sort of quiet, panicky, depressive day. And all I felt like doing was lying in bed, looking at my computer screen while nothing really happened. And then I suddenly got really irritated at being on the computer, so I shut it and took to pacing around the house, which is arguably even less productive, letting my brain be all anxious about money (I have next to none, and a student loan for much more than that due in a few weeks...another source of shame in itself, since I hated college but still managed to slog through two years before unceremoniously dropping out), the future (I need to get the hell out of my hometown, but have no means, since I'm probably overqualified for crappy jobs, but underqualified for anything better), the big sharp knife I had to wash but that I hate so much as looking at...it was just one of those things where everything seems meaningless but I managed to get bogged down about everything anyway. And on top of all that, I've been needing a hug for a long while, from someone who could tell me that I'll be okay, because no matter how much I know intellectually that I'll be okay, I can't convince myself of anything. Go figure.

I've also been trying to figure out if I might have OCD of some sort, which I know in itself means I should see a mental health specialist about it, but wouldn't you know it, I feel shameful about that too, and, while I have been to therapy here for depression, the lobby and reception desk always made me anxious and everything seemed overbearing, and I feel some shame about calling them again.

So right now I'm just kinda burned out and headachy, and I want to go to bed even though I doubt I'll sleep anytime soon.

Thanks for reading this! I hope this makes some semblance of sense...I can't edit this and make sure, because that would take another hour or two.

[Herself]

Sorry you're feeling bad. Certainly no fun there.

Do you have someone who can go with you to the therapist's office as moral support? Or can you find a way to distract yourself once there? Because it sounds like you need to talk to someone. Maybe show up just a couple of minutes before the appointment so you won't have to wait long.

[Geoff]

Thanks for the reply, Herself. Today was a better day for rational thinking on my part. I was thinking about your post, and then I figured out that maybe I don't have to go to therapy in my home town: my mom, with whom I still live, works in a nearby city. So, out of curiosity, I looked up therapists there, and stumbled on one who seems might be ideal for my situation. Now all I have to do is talk to my mom about it (I'll just email her so I can't chicken out in person--though I'm pretty sure she won't pry if I ask her not to, thankfully.) and then call in and see what happens.

Tonight's going well. Today was a bit hard going, between inertia and odd thoughts that wouldn't stop for a while. So tonight my brain seems to be giving me a bit of relief. I'm enjoying it with some cookies.

[oak]

Hang in there Geoff. You are not alone.

[Geoff]

Thank you for your kind words, oak.