1. Finished one major writing project by deadline (but I think it ended up pitifully half-assed). Plugging away at the one due next week, and I have two other manuscripts with no set deadline that basically need to get written and sent out ASAP so that they have a chance of being accepted before tenure review starts.
2. Had an intense session with my therapist on Tuesday. Let a lot of shit out about how hopeless I feel. I sometimes still hold back, even one-on-one with my therapist and in group therapy, and I think I still give off the vibe that I am not as bad off as I actually feel inside. He suggested that I need to do more positive visualization. The problem is, I can visualize what I want, but it triggers a lot of anger/sadness, because I literally see no possible way to connect point A - where I am now - reality to point B. And I feel guilty/ashamed about some of the things that I want. Like I shouldn't want them or don't deserve them, which nicely reinforces the inability to access them. And also, that I've missed my chance. Also, he is going to be gone for two weeks in July, so my next appointment is not for almost a month. On average I can only get an appointment about every 3 weeks. Some of that is because he really is one of the best, most well-respected psychologists in town, but it still sucks because I am really fucking struggling and that time goes by really fast.
3. Had group therapy tonight, and actually had a good time and felt OK afterwards except for the fact that I have had a real shitty few weeks and didn't even talk about my shitty stuff at all tonight. I mainly listened tonight, and tried to be supportive and helpful to others. That is one of my fucking scripts - everyone else's problems are more important than mine. And also, another one is that I am still after all this time so fucking afraid to be vulnerable sometimes. And I also have gotten to that overwhelmed point again this week where my brain is just kind of checking out "la la la! I can't hear you" to my problems.
4. My wife has been acting like a fucking crazy person all week long. Seriously. It's been shitty. It will remain intense for another 24 hours, because the class she is taking ends tomorrow at midnight. It's been a bumpy ride and it will continue to suck. She gets so anxious, frustrated and angry about the papers and exams for her classes, she spends all her time doing them - way too much time, being obsessive, being a perfectionist, and acting really fucking crazy and yelling, crying, etc. I don't think she's gotten dressed or left the house since Sunday. She has only taken maybe 2 showers in that time. This morning was the first morning that she had actually already gone to bed before I got up - the rest of the week I had gone to bed alone and woke up alone. Some nights she was stumbling around, having taken her sleep medicine but not gone to bed, so now she was tired, stressed and impaired by her medication. It was shitty when she wasn't doing anything/not leaving the house for anything but therapy, but since she has started going back to school, she has been incredibly stressed and she's still not getting the rest of her shit together because she spends every fucking moment on her schoolwork (except for when she's playing games on her phone, or talking to friends on the phone, or watching TV with me... but she's not taking care of herself, doing her share of the chores, or cleaning up her fucking messes all over the fucking house).
5. I saw my doctor yesterday to follow up on my contusion/sprain of my foot last week, which is doing well (doesn't hurt to put weight on it, but it is still bruised and swollen and is hard to wear shoes. He wants me to wait another week before doing anything with impact, which sucks because running, yoga and baseball were the only things keeping me sane and I have been off those for a week already. I'm going to try going back to yoga this weekend. I need to kick the exercise back up, because my weight has crept back up (yay stress eating and lack of sleep). It can take me six months of intense training to lose 5-10 pounds and I feel like it can come back in two weeks.
Ugh. Venting over for now. I still need to follow up on some other threads, maybe this weekend. I feel like I've been vomiting a lot of words out on here lately. I hope I'm not getting too repetitive or annoying or whiny.
My Week
Re: My Week
And after only getting 2 h sleep Sunday night, I still have not manged to get myself to bed before midnight since then. I feel like a fucking zombie. And even though I am up at 7, the earliest I have managed to get out of the house all week has been 9:40 , and I didn't get to my office till almost noon today. I just need time to sit. Alone. Quietly. But I also need to figure out how to relax, decompress, have fun, get satisfaction. I am craving so many things, and I am avoiding bad feelings and unwanted tasks by seeking some relief to those cravings but I don't even understand what I really need most of the time.