Completely fucked!

[nyelarebirth]

It's visceral, like a physical sensation. I can feel the cold hard metal as it passes my lips and sits on my tongue. I can see my fingers as they tighten around the guns' handle, my index finger reaching slightly forward to rest around the trigger...

This is why I will never own a gun. I respect them as tools and am fearful of them as weapons and I know, because of the many times I've attempted to take my life in the past, I cannot own one myself. Right now, for instance, I can see myself using it, imagine the chemical explosion inside the barrel as the last sound I'd hear. I imagine smiling as the world, as I know it, ceases to exist.

I'm so fucking tired of being my mother's scapegoat. Just because I'm here, it is my fault where anything happens. The only thing of consequence is making money anyway, at least in her mind, and the fact that I'm currently in grad school is irrelevant. I'm starting to wonder myself if there is any point to anything anymore. I'm exhausted and frustrated and just need something--anything--else.

I might call the suicide hotline, though I'm not sure what they or anyone could say that would be helpful.

[oak]

Hey!

Sure, I encourage you to call the hotline.

You'll never know if they have something interesting to say, so you may as well call.

Post here with an update. Hang in there.

[Geek]

Please call the hotline, those people are caring. Please know we're all here for you.

[nyelarebirth]

I didn't call the hotline, mostly because I couldn't think of anything I'd say that didn't sound like a shitload of whining. It's the same reason why I don't talk to my friends or my boyfriend about what's going on in my head...they've heard it all many times before and I'm tired of hearing it myself. I do know I need help, but really don't know how to go about getting it right now.

Oh, and I've heard horror stories about people being judged harshly by mental health professionals because they're LGBTQ or kinky or non-gender conforming, and citing those as a reason for their depression/anxiety/whatever. I'm all three of those things, so I'm kind of nervous...

[skEtch]

I've been in your shoes. Imagining the feeling of a cold barrel against your temple, or the sensation of vertigo from edging your toes off a ledge.

I've never called the hotline for the same exact reason. I feel like I'd be complaining to just another ear... and I'm so sick of complaining. I'm bored of it. I'm bored of trying to empty these feelings somewhere but they keep getting tossed back. What are they gonna say at the other end of the phone that's gonna change anything I'm thinking? Right?

I can tell you that you're not alone in thinking what you think (as I'm sure you've already heard.)

I can also tell you that I managed to luck out on my first therapist. He's the kind of no-bullshitter; tells me what-needs-to-be-said kinda person that I need. If you do decide to seek professional help don't feel like you can't request someone new if you have any sort of weird feelings toward your initial therapist.