Disassociation

[Frootsy Collins]

For the past few weeks I have felt disassociated with my own thoughts and body. I have thoughts that I don't like, I have political reactions to news stories I don't like myself for, I say things to friends and family that I don't feel like I meant to say, and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see; I don't feel I'm ugly, but I really don't identify with what I see in the mirror. My face is too big and masculine for who I feel I am, my hair is too flat against my head, my skin seems to get new pimples, bug bites, and sores every time I look at it, and the face looking back at me looks too much like my father's, and it feel deeply unsettling.

I've never experienced such discomfort in my own skin before. It's a dull anxious terror that I feel in almost every moment, happy or sad. Does anyone have any experience with feelings like this? It's so hard to explain to people or understand myself.
If it helps, some of these feelings were further triggered when I saw the movie 'Her', although I don't entirely understand why.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Frootsy. I don't really have any experience with disassociation, except looking in the mirror and seeing someone uglier and scarier and more masculine and scrawnier than I felt inside when I was in high school and college. I am supposed to hate my current old fat face, but it finally feels like a body I can be comfortable and secure in.