A crush's husband just died

[Mus Music]

I arrived at work to the news: "[ex-coworker's] husband..." she paused a bit, and my mind went straight to "please say killed himself"...and out came the words my twisted mind had hoped for "killed himself." My first thought was "welp, I guess that leaves her open for me. She'll probably be looking for sex soon." The worst part is that I'm not sure I really feel all that much shame for my thoughts. This is just too much to process right now. I missed her horribly when she left her job about a year ago, and on top of that I was feeling suicidal last spring, and was taken to the hospital for having panic attacks at work. I don't attribute this to her leaving, but it certainly didn't help. I was so in the depths of addiction (been clean for 6 months now) when she left last year and I was completely incapable of processing her absence. There was a horrible void when she left our workplace, which I was pretty in denial about. I showed up to her going away party high, and left after having a panic attack when everyone gathered to start taking pictures. The day before the party I told her I had a crush on her, which I regret, since she's married. I'm glad she turned me down for a hug, because I genuinely hoped something would happen from that. The last thing she said to me was that she has issues with people touching her, even her husband. I feel like I crossed a line there.

So, how do I feel? I strangely feel alive, with a renewed vigor for life...for that I feel like an empathy-less robot fueled by denial and destruction. I SHOULD feel sad, but there is a part of me that is glad she's "single." I guess I understand that everyone has these dark thoughts, mostly through listening to the podcast. What a maze of emotions. I wish I was crying right now, so I know I'm not as disconnected as I think I am. I fear this will all come precipitating down on me when I'm not paying attention.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mus Music. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human, and your identity does not come your darkest thoughts. You have a lot on your plate, and you owe yourself compassion for how you are coping and striving.