Pessimistic about my optimism

[Eternally Learning]

I get like this every once in a while; I go through these periods where I'm pretty much incapable of doing anything, but then I come out of it and just excell at everything. I keep up on my housekeeping, I do all my work promptly and correctly, I feel good about myself, and am just generally better. I then start to hope that maybe, just maybe I've fought my way through this, but gradually the bad behavior (or non-behavior) starts creeping back in, and before I know it I'm in the dumps again; sometimes worse than before. What bums me the most, is that my highs maybe last a week or two while my lows last months and months.

Right now I'm at a high point and I'm starting to feel good about what I can do with my life again, but my past history has taught me that it won't last. I'm expecting that by this time next week, I'll be talking with my boss again about my declining performance and how, no matter how much they don't want to, they may have to let me go. I hate disappointing people, but on a certain level it is far easier than excelling... What disturbs me the most is when I find myself thinking about how much simpler my life will be when I'm divorced, cut off from my kids, and living on the streets. It's not rational, it's not what I really want, it's probably not what's even going to happen, but my mind still goes there from time-to-time.

I really hope the medication I plan to start soon helps me stay at this high point.

[dare i say it]

I go through these periods where I'm pretty much incapable of doing anything, but then I come out of it and just excell at everything.

I've gone through a version of this myself although in my case the good times are even more short-lived. Doctors and I have struggled to determine whether it's a bipolar thing, maybe bipolar II, or if it's ordinary moodiness--a feature of major depression--made worse by all-or-nothing thinking. (If we diagrammed that sentence it would look like a spiderweb! )