Fallen on Hard Times

[Krimz]

I'm kinda new here. I've read around the forum before but finally made an account because I just needed to get my thoughts out.

The biggest thing I struggle with is self harm and about a week and a half ago I relapsed back into it after staying clean of it for 6 months. The only person that knows that I have hurt myself in the past is my best friend. Although he doesn't quite understand it, he is very supportive and always listens to what I have to say and asks how he can help. I've had two extended periods of time where I'd hurt myself and I never informed him of them until I was clean for at least several months. I never told him during it as I did not want him to worry and I didn't want to burden him with my problems. He also never noticed since I was very conscientious of hiding what I did. This time is different though. Over the weekend, when it was just the two of us, he asked what happened to my arm. I kinda just went into shock and gave him a guilty look and didn't say a word. He replied with, "that's what I thought." I couldn't tell how he felt. I didn't know if he was upset, angry, disappointed, etc. He wasn't his usual supportive self when talking about this issue. He seemed cold and distant and it made me terrified that perhaps he didn't want to be friend anymore. Although I thought he felt distant, he still urged me to talk about what I was feeling and why I was doing this. I was honestly just so in shock and told him that I don't like talking about this, which I feel added to his frustration. I left that night feeling tons of emotions. Ashamed and embarrassed he found out and angry and upset that I didn't hide it well enough. The next day I saw him it was like nothing happened. We still interacted the same way with each other, cheery and everything--which was a relief.

However, now that I have somewhat composed my thoughts, I am ready to talk to him about this and maybe explain what needs to be explained. The only problem is that I can't seem to get any alone time with him. We'd usually always go to the gym together every night and then go on a walk after that to talk about our feelings and life and anything else. But, he recently got a girlfriend (literally the day after I starting harming myself again) and hasn't been able to do any of this stuff with me. Now, more than ever, is when I need the emotional support but I just can't seem to get it. I can't help but think that he's just trying to avoid this inevitable conversation but he is definitely not the type of person to do that. I only think this because he obviously knows now that I'm actively doing this to myself, but I think my brain is just freaking itself out. Numerous times he's told me that if I need anything that I should just text him but I feel like I'm intruding on the time that he's spending with his girlfriend.

Sorry for this being so long, but one final thing. I have a fear of abandonment and being lonely. So him getting a girlfriend and spending less time with me has really not been good. I think part of me is jealous too. Jealous of the fact that I know that she has mental issues and that he's treating her with more compassion than he did with me over the weekend. Before he found out this weekend he told me some of the stuff that she's been through and is dealing with and how he cried over it. But then I tell him something equally as serious and I can't tell what he's feeling. It's honestly probably just my brain overthinking things as it usually does but it still has me kinda sad. And I am in no way trying to belittle him or what he's done for me. He is my best friend and I love him dearly and care about him. We tell each other everything and have a really close bond. I think I'm just upset over the poor timing of everything.

In short, I've not been feeling great these past couple weeks and I certainly don't feel great now. I feel lonely and discouraged and really just want someone I can talk to. But I do feel better for getting this off my chest as it has been bothering me this entire week.

[oak]

Welcome!

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you did. You did a fine job.

You are doing really excellent: you told your friend, and you shared with us.

Yes, the new girlfriend. Few things in life can devour time like the new girlfriend.

I encourage you, as you feel ready, to continue to tell people. If you live in America you can call 211 anytime. You may want to reach out to your work EAP program (ask your boss if you're comfortable, or HR). I encourage you to continue to talk to people about the self harm.

We're only as sick as our secrets, so you are getting considerably healthier!

[Krimz]

Hello oak and thank you!

Your kind words are exactly what I needed at a time like this.
You've given me some much needed encouragement. I know I can get through this, I've done it in the past before. Hoping this is just a temporary setback.

[bigeekgirl]

Krimz, welcome to the forum. I am glad you decided to share your struggles with us.

It is hard when a friendship changes, even if it's an inevitable part of life.

In addition to oak's suggestion, perhaps finding a support group would be useful to you. I don't know much about what's out there for self harm, but I know support groups can help by providing safe people to confide in and instant support.