Using my words: body trauma/jazz dance, and being desired.

[oak]

Hi friends.

I know I've been posting here a lot, and I appreciate your giving me this space. This forum is my main form of counseling, and connection with others.

With your kind indulgence, there are two issues I've been meaning to post about. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts here, however inchoate. There is a lot here, and sometimes I am a jerk. But I'd rather be honest and a little ugly, than continue to stuff this down!

1. Body trauma, working it out with solo jazz dance and sticking fighting tutorials

Trauma in my body

I went to my physical therapist ten days ago for back pain and/or tension. My PT, who I know very well and is very kind, blew my mind by suggesting that bodies retain trauma. I've received unwanted touch: bullying as a child, and car wrecks as an adult. Foolish, reckless, and cruel people have violated my person and integrity. They can go to hell!

(Except for the person who hit my then-car in March: he took responsibility, and 2.5 months later, everyone acted responsibly and kindly. But the person who hit and run me in 2004, and childhood bullies, can indeed go to hell.)

This idea blew my mind, and made sense: my mind rightfully sends signals to my body, in order to survive. Though since I am not currently in any danger, this fight/flight response is interfering with being pain-free. Hmmmm.

Reclaiming Bodily Integrity Through Martial Arts and Dance

My body, my person, is inviolate. I have complete authority and autonomy over my person, and nowadays I am increasingly getting back in touch with that body:

a. Martial arts: while there is much I could say, for now: I find it lovely and kind and generous that we come together and consent to specific uses of our bodies, that would otherwise be traumatic, but are okay since we so generously give consent: getting hit, kicked, or taken down. I find wonderful connection in the controlled, principled, trained use of play-fighting!

b. Jazz dance: Twenty years ago I was introduced to East Coast swing, aka Jitterbug. Soon thereafter, to the sexy world of coupled blue dance.

Recently, through the miracle of online tutorials, I'm enrolled in a solo jazz dance class. I already recognize kick/ball/change and grapevine from swing, and now I know the basics of jazz squares. And a cross touch step is very similar to a karate move.

All these things come together.

c. Stick fighting: I was sincere when I called online tutorials a miracle: for $10 through Udemy I got a stick fighting class. While I doubt I'd stick fight IRL, I do want to find a way to get my blood flowing, and increase my flexibility during this quarantine. Updates soon!

2. I can be an object of female desire

I am not any longer a hurt little boy or a drunken young man. I was those things, then. Now I am complex man in his prime. Allow me to speak frankly, with neither humblebragging or false modesty. Sexual desire is difficult to talk about, but that is no reason for me not to try. I am dying for a lack of talking about this.

While I don't believe in birth order, except when I do!, I got lost in the shuffle as child 4 of 5. My younger brother had lots of female attention. Being lazy I decided to play the role of hurt little boy rather than face up to my egregious shortcomings as demonstrated by my brother. (And not only did he never give me a hard time about it, I'm sure he would have helped me, had I asked. But I was too in my own head, then.)

Soon thereafter, I saw many of my dear friends in the fraternity succeeding wildly with excellent woman. Again demonstrating a lack of agency, I ended up abusing alcohol rather than try to improve in the area most important to me.

The past is prologue, and by 2008 I was sober.

Now I am 43. I can either go to my grave, continuing to feel sorry for myself, or I can take some action.

Of all the methods I've tried to get women to notice me (instead of improving myself so they'd notice me!), here are the only two things that have worked for me:

1. Martial arts. I must give off vibes of being rough and tumble.

2. Pre-selection. Basically, if women view me being treated respectfully by good, decent men they trust, then they are attracted to me.

I would not have believed this, but this is where the evidence leads me. I'll of course do all the things traditionally suggested to men (exercise, dress better, hygiene), but I'm betting my intimate life on the above.

So yeah, that's the summary: if I take action, demonstrate agency, I can be an object of female desire.

Example: my state is stage 2, and twice now the attractive blond barista has stood there, just staring at me.

Where does all this lead? I don't know.

I just know I don't want to go back to that nihilism of drinking, envying, and being lackadaisical. I want to practice my Zoom taekwando, and solo jazz mini-routine. Eventually this society will reopen, with its amateur jazz dance competition, and I want to be there, observed.

[Beany Boo]

Here are some initial thoughts.

The stakes seem quite high, not in a good way. The plan sounds well formed. You’ve got to be able to just regular live through the midst of it. Just live while still following through and being surprised by what you didn’t expect to learn about yourself.

Women have lives. Single moms need to book babysitters. Single women have friends, exes and families looking on. Women are daily surrounded by unwanted male attention, to degrees that go under recorded. Their bodies work differently in ways that are often shamed and neglected. They are always under pressure to oblige in some way. It’s good to be noticed. Notice them too. Sure they want romance. But it’s going to be through the middle of a bunch of tensions and pressures. If you can signal that you see that, it will validate them.

Make an exhaustive list of what you Oak will consent to. Sexually, intimacies, relationship difficulties. Frame them in background context: ‘I can do ‘that’ under ‘these’ conditions’. Context adds dimension to them. Once you’re dating you’ll need to revise as you grow but it’s important to start with something. It will help you when you negotiate; with less chance of having to flee or of being engulfed in a situation you don’t consent to. Negotiating consent is the main skill from start to finish.

As you move your body in different ways its going to jostle the embedded trauma. You’ll need to recalibrate as you go and gently teach others how not to trigger it. One thing, the voice of an instructor can be triggering. It can also be very healing. I’ve had both experiences. Trauma is dreading an impending event, that you’ve already suffered through. There’s usually a curse to it (pain) and also, a gift (understanding). It can be a broken record in your life. But you can also orchestrate a break in the cycle. Once you have enough of those breaks, the tune changes. And the bodily discomfort shifts.