Weekend

[rivergirl]

I know I've posted about this before and am sorry if I'm repeating myself. I do okay through the week mostly when I'm going to work each day, and before Covid I had reached the point of having some better weekends as well. The past few months the weekends have increasingly been more difficult again.

Weekends I feel a mix of loneliness, grief, sadness, anxiety, and indecision. I also have the feeling at times that this isn't really my life and that I don't belong here in this time or place (some degree of derealization: feeling like I'm in a movie).

I know part of the cause is having gone through a lot of losses in the past five years, my living situation and relationship situation being completely different than I would have wanted at this stage of my life, and then the isolation caused by Covid on top of those things. I'm working on trying to change the aspects of my life that I can and accepting the rest. During the week that seems reasonable and possible, but even if I feel fine Friday night, I wake up on Saturday with bad feelings and a lack of hope that I can make the right decisions and take the right actions to change things.

I'm working on managing or accepting my weekend emotions better using therapy, deep breathing, meditation, writing, drawing, exercise, getting enough sleep, eating better, etc. If I blame myself too much for not doing those things consistently, then I can spiral into thinking that I deserve all the losses I've had, and I'm trying to stop myself when I start going down that path. There's a part of me that is already so tired from the losses and trying to change things for the past five years (I'm 58 now) and that asks if it is really possible or worth it to keep trying to heal and to feel better at this point in my life.

[Beany Boo]

A relationship will not solve the feelings you’re having. You’ll bring them with you. Feeling how you want to feel, now, is the only way. And not better; just, how you want.

Are you a ‘family’ with your work colleagues. If yes, that’s bad. That’s a cause I’d venture of lonely weekends. Don’t be ‘friends‘ with co-workers unless it comes absolute naturally. You’ll pay for it otherwise, emotionally. It’s feels less lonely to to be less friendly; less entangled.

There might be a reckoning of some kind in your future where you have to let go of a way of thinking that is precious to you. It will be terrifying but you’ll actually feel less burdened, less trapped after that.

You don’t have to do anything to be loved. Anything you do do, doesn’t count because other people are going to love you for their own reasons, and for things you’re not in control of about yourself.

[rivergirl]

Hi Beany,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I don't have a particularly close group of coworkers. I think the reason I'm better on weekdays is just having some human contact and feeling a connection to the world and to the present time. There's also the distraction of my work to keep me from ruminating too much.

On weekends when I'm at home with my mom who is very elderly, or always alone due to Covid, I start to feel disconnected from life and from the present day. Feelings of grief, loss, and anxiety are exacerbated on weekends.

I know a relationship won't take away all of the painful feelings that I have, and maybe I'm wrong but I think that a healthy relationship can provide mutual support and love and companionship. I didn't allow myself to even try to have a relationship for most of the past 20 years. I thought that when my husband left me for his coworker when we were 38 that it meant that I didn't deserve to be loved. I kept thinking that at some point I would have improved or changed myself enough to feel worthwhile, but it's only in the past two years of therapy that I started to believe that I might have some worth as a partner. It may well be too late for me at this point, I don't know.

rg

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Rivergirl,
I know this is a cliché, but I just love the saying, and if you didn't pursue *goal*, how old would you be in 5 years? It's never never never too late unless you're talking about something physically limiting like becoming a wrestler.

I feel so much that you feel. I don't have huge needs to be social, so often the workday is enough, but where does that leave me when I need a friend? Women my (our) age seem to be friends with their children, so have no need to pursue relationships. And covid loneliness is real and limiting. Don't underestimate that.
Add to that all your losses and what you're feeling seems natural. Not easy, but natural. I'm glad you're seeking help.

So here's my virtual hugs. You have a lot going on. Do the things that make you feel better. You absolutely deserve love. Work through the muck. Share here. Over and over if you like. You are such a lovely and warm person, I always think of you fondly.
Heather

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much for your kindness, Heather. I cried after reading your message.

I'm not a naturally outgoing person, so making friends has always been more difficult for me. When I was married I was often happy just being with my spouse and our extended families when I wasn't working. I've also found the same thing with women my age. They tend to be involved with their adult children, and eventually grandchildren.

I'm sorry that you're also dealing with a lack of friendships, as well as the Covid limitations. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer in friendship, but it's hard to push yourself to make friends when you aren't a naturally social person.

I know that everyone is suffering from Covid in one way or another, so I'm also aware that I'm far from the only one.

Sending virtual hugs and gratitude back your way.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Your thoughts sound too afraid. It’s going to be difficult to take a step without quickly leaping to one of the complex reasons why it won’t work out.

You seem sort of quietly on high alert. You absolutely don’t have to be. A lower level of fear works just as well.

You can answer questions about your marriage, your mother, your future but it will be easier if you bring the fear down to a tolerable level. If you can, you’ll find a pause there before you leap to a conclusion. That pause will be become treasure.

It’s not much I know, but it’s also a lot.

You are and were always worthy, deserving. The real effects of the fear are blocking access.

[rivergirl]

You're right, Beany. Over the past six years I've gotten used to rapid cycles of feeling absolutely terrified. I don't know how to bring the level of my weekend fear down right now, but I recognize the truth in your post. My mind has created an ancient map full of monsters along every route that I imagine taking, so it becomes impossible to take any step forward. I will try to look for that pause.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing, Rivergirl.

The issues you raise in your original post are wholly understandable. You are not alone.

I am glad to see you continuing to post, and to get it all out.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your support, Oak.

As usual I was calmer and more hopeful as soon as I was back to work yesterday.

You & the rest of the group here are a continued source of inspiration and a refuge.

Best to you this week as well.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Rivergirl,
Thinking of you.
While you're feeling better might be a good time to plan something nice for yourself for Saturday. Walk to a favourite coffee shop listening to an upbeat podcast? That fancy cheese you like? Temporary pink bangs? That gorgeous notebook you want but have no use for? Zoom comedy show? Buying pumpkins?
Hugs,
Heather