Apparently I'm Hyper-Independent

[remarks]

I was scrolling mindlessly through social media the other day when a shared post got my attention. It said, “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but hyper-independence is the result of trauma. I don’t need anybody and must do everything myself really means My ability to trust has been injured by people systematically letting me down and failing me.”

I’m the one who needed to hear that. My life has never been better summed up...and by a random stranger online! I’ve always been Mr. Independent. I take pride in thinking and acting for myself. While that’s good to an extent, it also holds me back in so many ways.

I hate to ask for help, whether it’s at work or with my wife or whomever. I just feel like I’m failing and asking for help is admitting defeat. The funny thing is, when I do break down and ask for help, I usually don’t feel bad after I get the help. I’m usually glad that I asked. So why can’t I just ask for help in the first place?

It all goes back to my childhood...doesn’t everything? My mom was not emotionally available for me. She barely kept herself together. I had to be independent, solve my own problems, and not make her life any harder. When I was at my dad’s house on the weekends, I was nearly invisible. My dad was busy working on cars in the garage and my half-siblings were doing their own things.

I learned not to rely on anyone else. If someone makes a promise to me, I just assume they won’t keep it. I’m pleasantly surprised when someone actually does what they say they’re going to do. It seems so rare.

I’ve had multiple medical doctors tell me they were going to check up on me and I never heard from them again. Sure I could call their office and track them down, but why bother? It’s obvious they don’t care enough to stay in touch...and I’m paying them!

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be able to ask for help. I want to have faith that people will do what they promise. But I have 37 years of bad experiences in my head.

[oak]

Remarks thank you for sharing.

I’m glad that we live in a time where we can find our tribe, however small the niche. From caveman times to the early 90s you might never have found this little tribe that fits you so well.

[brownblob]

I guess I'm hyperindependent too. For me it is a combination of lack of trust and not believe I am worthy of other people's attention or help. Thanks for the post.

[snoringdog]

Hello Brownblob!

Long time, glad to see you here!

This caught my attention as well. Additional things on my part are;

Lack of patience, don't want to wait..
Embarrassment at asking for help (maybe afraid of being denied)
Wanting to prove that I'm capable (and maybe *better* than those who need to ask for help...)
Maybe being "told how to do it" or being "bossed" by the one who's helping...

I do know though, to *definitely* ask for help if something's heavy or dangerous.
(Squashed a disc lifting a heavy chair to get it the-hell-out-of-the-house during a family argument years ago). Never "lift in anger".

[brownblob]

Never lift in anger is very good advice.

[rivergirl]

I'm happy to see you pop up here too, brownblob. I hope you're hanging in there.

remarks,
I've been learning about attachment styles and being hyper-independent sounds like a characteristic of the avoidant attachment style. It makes sense that it would be related to your relationship with your mom. If what I've been learning is correct, then a lot of this is formed very early, even in the first year of life. Not bonding securely with caregiver(s) can produce characteristics of an avoidant or anxious attachment style (I've mostly got the anxious style).

It's good that you're recognizing that you're hyper-independent, but I understand what you mean about having decades of experiences that you have to try to counteract. If only we'd all had access to therapy at a younger age.

rg

[remarks]

Thanks for the insight, rivergirl.