Headed to parent estrangement? Lockdown theory. The Plan.

[oak]

Hi friends.

If I may speak bluntly, since both situations below are the most blunt of any long-term or lifelong relationship.

Road to estrangement from parents for (ostensibly) weird proximate cause?

I believe I'm on my way to estrangement from my parents. For the dumbest and most avoidable of proximate causes: Sundays are mine, so I offered to stop by to give Mother Day wishes the day before. The ultimate cause is my mother is a deeply broken person, unable to contain her narcissism.

Unfortunately my dear father, who loves me like nothing else, is about to lose me. He has not returned my calls, so I gave one last voicemail, offering a chance for reconciliation. I've done all I can.

I am, of course, grieving this. I am sober, employed, vaccinated, and have a car. I have (had) clear plans to visit them often, and do tai chi with my father to mitigate his increasingly severe Parkinson's. We can still avoid an estrangement, with a brief talk and enthusiastic apologies all round, despite the dubious sincerity of said apologies.

But no, the twin Mad Gods of Pride and Narcissism must receive their sacrifices; they're never satisfied.

A Theory! With example

I live above a couple, a few years older than me. Both are friendly, quiet, decent people. I can't say I ever said more than ten words to the guy, though he always holds the door for me when I carry in groceries.

Out of the blue, he simply left one day last week. His partner is crushed. I saw her crying yesterday.

Frankly, both my mother and my erstwhile neighbor are very poor communicators. "Using their words" is not a thing. Both have good qualities, but bad communication habits are tearing apart their closest relationships.

My guess is that the end of the lockdown is "permitting" these troubled souls to burn down important relationships for no rational reason.

Narcissism is a heck of a drug. Considering the cost, it must be extremely satisfying.

The Plan

Having done all I can, I can focus on Oak:

1. Today I went to "Chair Yoga". I've always hated yoga, but this was wonderful! More soon.

2. I am really trying to get my slow cooker meal prep right. Especially with Indian food.

3. In addition to Zumba, I am going to find the courage to register for a four-week session this summer for adults to try ballet.

I am certainly grieving the foolish and preventable estrangement of my parents. But I have this sleep apnea, and I must face it.

(And the sleep apnea is perhaps even getting better lately!)

[oak]

Update!

1. My father returned my call, averting an estrangement (for now). His apology's rationale was on the far side of credulity, so while he pretended to sincerely apologize, I pretended to believe him.

Ergo, nothing is resolved but the stupid drama can be put off for a while: hopefully long enough for me to fix this sleep apnea, and enjoy the family wedding in peace next month.

I'll be estranged from my parents sooner or later. In the meantime, thanks for listening!

BTW, last night I woke up choking again. I have to face this sleep apnea ASAP

[rivergirl]

Please take care of yourself, Oak. Sleep apnea is serious and scary but I strongly feel that you're going to manage it and be okay.

I'm so sorry about your family. I hope you can maintain a relationship with your sister who is more understanding. It's hard not having any family support.

rg

[oak]

Thank you RiverGirl! I appreciate your encouragement: I know you've Been There.

Regarding sleep apnea, I'm at that weird liminal stage where I have my team assembled, know the outline of going forward, and am taking my first halting steps. It is not clicking yet, at all, but is very confidence-creating, if that makes sense.