How many times have you been spoken to disrespectfully at work in the last year?

[oak]

Hi friends.

I’ve been talked to disrespectfully, at work, three times in a year. This seems high to me.

May I please ask how many times each of you have been spoken to disrespectfully in the last year?

I ask because I am calibrating my response as to a timeline for a job change in the next 12-18 months, and I’d appreciate others’ experience, strength, and hope. Thanks!

[Beany Boo]

I’m not sure how to answer this question.

I understand what you are asking. I guess I don’t think in those terms.

I definitely continue to feel taken for granted, in a humiliating way. I know it has less to do with me, and a lot to do with the identity others impose on me.

Rather than looking for work that fixes my situation, I’ve started doing the work in front of me, in a way that is uncompromisingly my own. That’s as much a letting go and an easing off as it is me respecting the limits of my own capacity. Specifically, there is a limit to me thinking my way out of situations. The less I think my way out, the easier it is to sort of sneak slowly and sideways out, even while continuing to stay put; and actually, kind of thrive.

I have noticed, without overly-profiling, that certain people appear to bring an urge to domestic violence into the workplace. It’s shocking to see it play out. As soon as I made the link - that their behavior pre-dates my appearance and is displaced from another sphere in that person’s life, I realized my role in inciting it is no more than, I appear in front of the perpetrator at a random moment.

Disrespectfulness is insidious and one can only assume secretly sanctioned by virtue of its prevalence.

It sounds inadequate and corny but I’m coming to believe it; the only way to move against it is with overwhelming kindness. But I’m guessing (I’m still working it out) it’s primarily a kindness to yourself, to the other victims who share your immediate experience and to the others everywhere who because of their status are predisposed to being disrespected. And then finally surrounding the bullies on all sides, with unbearable kindness. Even if they’re unable to change, their effects are powerfully minimized.

This probably sounds idealistic. The approach I am taking is to be available to other victims, to share resources and validate a shared reality. And be honest about workplace bullying being a displaced form of domestic violence. I often think they’re acting out at work to protect their families, from themselves.

Sorry, this is wordy, because I’m in the middle of it right now.

[oak]

Thank you, BeanyBoo!

As always, you generously drop gems of wisdom. Difficult as this topic is, I can't help but smile at your wisdom.

I do wonder if it would have been kinder to our abusers, who you correctly describe as perpetrators of violence, to have had them stood up to, screamed at really, years ago. Perhaps if they had lost their dignity (or a few teeth) after mouthing off in 1980, they wouldn't be in the deplorable existence they create for themselves today. I am out of sympathy for them.

I am also very interested in your two most recent ta-da posts: we are both going through it, and things are changing. We are using our voices to call out what is happening, and using our feet to walk away when it is inevitably explained away. Their schema is no longer working.

***

And here, friends, is what I've decided to do:

This time next year I hope/intend to have effected three goals:

1. Have my sleep apnea cured.
2. Have FUM (which to me is something like $5K).
3. Build my professional skills so recruiters are contacting me regularly (at least once a week).

Said another way, if a boomer screeches at me this time next year, I know I've regained my health, have money in the bank, and have a number of jobs on offer.

It will be a very different situation then.

Still, I grieve for my broken co-worker and my broken parents. People won't tolerate being screeched at any longer, and these misguided souls will end up lonely and rightly despised. They need to turn and rejoin humanity. Otherwise I approve of their ejection from proper human society. Dying alone is their choice, which they repeatedly insist on. I let them have the future they insist on.