some steps forward, a lot of steps back (tw self harm)

[resnullis]

It's been a while since I last wrote anything on here. I'm turning to this place because some addictive habits have been flaring up and I don't really know how to explain them to people in my life, as much as I'd like to.

A general overview of my life these days finds it pretty bright -- I'm still in a loving relationship where I can feel like my own person, I'm approaching graduation from college, I had my first solo art show downtown in a major city (aaaaaaah!!!), I've recently made a new friend who I feel very close to, I'm living in my first apartment by myself, my houseplants are doing well, I'm eating regularly, I'm showering, I sleep okay.

But the past few days have been off. I lost my journal in a park, I think I left it on a bench, and when I came back it was gone. Writing is an important steadying tool for me, and I'm shaken to lose the record of a few months of my thoughts. I feel silly for being so careless with something so important to me. It's just a thing. I have to remind myself it's just a thing, and I'll write more.

I also did something silly that I'm not proud of, the thing that keeps me from talking about how I'm feeling with people who know me in real life. For some reason at the beginning of this week, after I lost my journal, I decided to read really angsty fanfiction. This is something that I haven't indulged in since some darker middle school days. The ones that affect me most are the stories where one beloved character is hurt badly, and the one who loves them has to save their life. Beloved character is unconscious, near death, and loving character is in tears, there's worry and love and fear and relief when the beloved character opens their eyes. I feel so silly for how deeply this affects me. There's a palpable squeeze in my chest, a tingle in my skull and my spine -- not even just when I read the story, but even when I recall what I read over the next few days. I'll replay these scenes as I fall asleep too, and they're so soothing. It feels gross, how much I like these scenes of crisis and love and desperation and relief. I feel like I could never admit this out loud. I worry it means that I want people to be afraid for me, that this is the only way I'll understand their love. I don't want the people I love to undergo that kind of stress, so what does it mean that concern feels so good?

Long way to say, I think reading this stuff set something off. There's a little sore spot in my chest. I thought about hurting myself for the first time in a long time, and I argued weakly against it, about how long it's been and how far I've come, how I don't want to touch my body with malice anymore, how my girlfriend would feel if she knew. But then I thought that one scratch would be so small, and it would heal, and no one would know. So I did it, just a little one on my forearm and another across two of my fingers. And then I was upset with myself, because there's no undoing that, and it affects others too if they find out. And today I'm upset with myself because I perversely enjoy looking at the band aid and the scratches, they make me feel tough somehow, or like I've got this interesting little secret about me. It feels sick to take pleasure in this. But there's some broken logic in me that says blood is serious, and if I'm bleeding then other people will have to take me seriously. I'm scared that I'm trying to recreate the strange fantasies that this fanfiction brings up for me, a situation where someone has to save me and prove how much they love me.

It's been hard not to dislike myself over the past few days. I don't like the feeling that I can't tell my girlfriend about this -- I tell her everything. I feel like I've done something awful and unforgivable. I feel very brain hazy.

Trying to find a way to flip this into a positive somehow. There are many good things in my life, and I can still feel them as good. I am cooking warm rice for myself and washing my clothes. I had a nice talk with a professor today. The sky is blue with fluffy clouds. I'm alive and I'm learning, and I'm glad you all are here too.

[Mental Fairy]

Wow that post really moved me.
I hear you and your pain, your frustration and your truth.

Currently sitting in the waiting room of my therapist for the second time currently for similar reasons. I took many many steps forward and a shitload back in a small space of time.

Books are my thing. I love to read but noticed I was unable to hold attention so started to listen to them instead and noticed my selections were based on experiences I’ve endured, loss, health issues, rape, abuse and most of all grief. That’s my current nemesis.
I have past history of self abuse also but not cutting. I also relapsed last month and the month before. I noticed it was based on control. I was feeling I was slipping mentally and needed to gain some control and started old habits. I waited to see if it occur again before reaching out, it happened again. Bugger it.

I noticed I became very forgetful and extremely angry in situations that shouldn’t upset me. Suicide was even thought of.
I reached out. I got back in contact with therapist and I also had to have the talk with my husband. Last Friday was my nightmare, saw therapist and then told my husband I’ve relapsed. Shit it was hard. I cried, I felt shame and hurt.

You my dear have reconnected with yourself, your recognised you relapsed. That’s a strength. Not a weakness.
You have been open and honest with us. As hard as it is you need to be honest with your partner if you feel able.

Please take care and I hope this hasn’t upset you.

[manuel_moe_g]

I feel so silly for how deeply this affects me.

I think I get what you mean. When I was a very young child, I would replay stories of unfairness and loss happening to children, and it would bring such intense feeling for me

The sky is blue with fluffy clouds. I'm alive and I'm learning, and I'm glad you all are here too.

Please take care, Resnullis

Last Friday was my nightmare, saw therapist and then told my husband I’ve relapsed.

and you too, please take care, Mental Fairy

All good things to the good people of this little group

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Manuel moe. Just had second appointment and found it extremely helpful.

[oak]

Congratulations on your art show! Let us know how it goes.

By all means, no need to apologize for enjoying fanfic. That’s the good stuff.

And while I don’t claim to know much about anime, I did see an iconic film called Howl’s Moving Castle. I think it speaks pretty well to what you describe.

Regarding the self-harm, my friend, if you are still in college by all means please avail yourself of the campus counseling service. Even one or two sessions can really change one’s trajectory.

Lastly, I can’t help but believe that your journal will show up someday soon.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi family and brother Oak!

It’s just accrued to me that two steps forward and many steps back is very fitting to continue your (our) journey forwards.

If you don’t mind I have a little situation to ponder over and am very grateful that this topic has come up.

If we can’t go back a bit from time to time then how can we move forward? We have to take the time to reflect on past behaviour and experiences in order to understand what part we play in this world and how we react to situations.

Therapy yesterday was a light bulb moment as homework was set for me to come up with a list or timeline of happy moments of my childhood.
I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday let alone what I did at a young age.

After over two hours of discussion and many ‘aha’ moments I concluded that yea PTSD is a thing. It is an energy that radiates from our atoms when provoked.

To go a few steps back is ok, so get stuck there spinning yours wheels is another. We would absolutely need to drop down a gear or two to work out the next movement. And with no judgement find a way to progress. Something that is sometimes extremely confronting. With lack of self confidence and such anger towards oneself then outside help will be needed to give a nudge on the direction needed to maintain motion.

Self harm is a form of control and also a vent towards oneself. I ain’t no therapist but it was clearly pointed out to me yesterday that it’s ok to be where we are, it’s just bloody amazing when you reach out to the right people.

I am shocked and almost disgusted at my lack of good memories, all the good memories are with grandparents and not parents. Hence why I am completely different to my mother in regards to parenting.

So on that note I’m going to challenge all of us to recall happy memories from childhood….could we go back towards a positive outlook opposed to the negative for just a moment….

Going back helps us move forward.

[resnullis]

Thank you everyone for being here, it means the world to be heard without judgement and to in turn hear what's happening in your lives.

Books are my thing. I love to read but noticed I was unable to hold attention so started to listen to them instead and noticed my selections were based on experiences I’ve endured, loss, health issues, rape, abuse and most of all grief. That’s my current nemesis.


You my dear have reconnected with yourself, your recognised you relapsed. That’s a strength. Not a weakness.
You have been open and honest with us. As hard as it is you need to be honest with your partner if you feel able.

Please take care and I hope this hasn’t upset you.

Thank you, Mental Fairy, I'm sorry you're also going through a rough time but I'm glad to not be alone. This didn't upset me at all -- I think I'm going to try to tell my partner what happened. I'm mostly worried about how to do this without feeling like I'm manipulating her into worrying about me...
I'm also curious about the books you've been listening to. I feel the same, I seek out material that seems relevant to my life, and I'm most held when writers share vulnerable (and sometimes dark) parts of themselves. Question for you, no right answer of course -- do you ever notice these topics triggering you? Or are they more comforting? I myself find the line between relating to something dark and being triggered by it very thin, unfortunately.

I hope the sun shines on you today <3

I think I get what you mean. When I was a very young child, I would replay stories of unfairness and loss happening to children, and it would bring such intense feeling for me

Manuel, this was so helpful to read. I often feel freakish for replaying my thoughts, so it helps to hear someone I respect has done the same!

Regarding the self-harm, my friend, if you are still in college by all means please avail yourself of the campus counseling service. Even one or two sessions can really change one’s trajectory.

Brother Oak, I think I'm gonna follow this advice and try to squeeze into the counselor's office. I graduate in less than a month, but they still may be useful in connecting me to other help in the city. Thank you.

So on that note I’m going to challenge all of us to recall happy memories from childhood….could we go back towards a positive outlook opposed to the negative for just a moment….

Going back helps us move forward.

Mental Fairy, I want to take more time to respond to this because you've brought up so many rich points!!! I have to leave for work in a few minutes or I'd write more now... to be continued.

Thank you all. It's overall a little better today.

[Mental Fairy]

Resnullis

You brought a smile to my face when you said you may inform your partner of your current wobble on the tightrope of life.
Telling my husband made me feel physically sick, mainly because I was listening to my inner narration saying I was just over exaggerating situations and it was all in my head. When I told him we were driving so I didn’t have the chance to run away! Sounds stupid but I’m good and running from things so I don’t have to face the emotions that follow.

The books I lean towards -
Sorrow and Bliss - Med Mason
All the bright places -Jennifer Niven
When breath becomes air- Paul Kalanithi
The great alone - Kristen Hannah
Maybe you should talk to someone- lori Gottlieb


I have to read many books as being part of our local library committee I had to process through many books a month to do selections for purchase for public release. However three months ago when I started to have my meltdown I just quit as I found my attention span became difficult to manage. Restless and anxious become a difficult thing to manage.
Since being back in therapy I have noticed a read a chapter or two again. Not like I used too but it’s slowly improving. The human brain is complex but can also be encouraged to heal with recognition of symptoms.

I started my list of positive memories and it has showed a trail of where I was happy, with my grandparents.
I have only two memories of being happy with my mum, one of those two times she was drunk. I’ve also noticed the more I search for memories the more that surfaces that I forgot.
Will be interesting to see what you come up with. No harm in walking beside old memories but it’s always a healing process of letter them fall behind rather they torment you.

Never wish a day away

[resnullis]

Hi again. I wanted to say that I told my girlfriend yesterday about my relapse, and it was better than I could have hoped. I thought I was trying to protect her by not talking about it, and I think that's still partially true, but it feels like I was trying to protect myself from rejection too. She was nonjudgemental, told me she doesn't want me to try to do this alone, pet my hair and asked what I needed. She came over and cooked me dinner so I could rest. I feel so overwhelmed by her kindness in the face of such an unpleasant thing.

I was also able to tell my friend, I'll call him N. We ended up talking on the phone late into the night, and I walked away feeling much closer to him. He told me he wants to know how I'm doing, even if it's unpleasant. I hope I haven't made him uncomfortable, but I trust him to tell me if he is.

Some happy childhood memories:
- Our neighbor showing me the best place to find snails in the garden in the morning, and the pleasant feeling of a cool snail in my hand on a hot day
- When I first started anxiety medication in high school, and I found myself able to hug my friends more -- like at lunch, I'd see my best friend across the cafeteria and we'd run and hug each other. The pure delight of being excited to see someone who is also excited to see you, no fear!
- Building little forts for myself under tables. I'd put a blanket over the top that dangled over all sides, creating walls, and fill the inside with pillows and my favorite books. Drawing in there for hours, talking to myself, while the rest of the world melted away.
- Picking honeysuckle flowers with my mom in the backyard. She showed me how to pull the end off the flower so that a drip of nectar would come out, so sweet! I spent an afternoon trying to collect enough to fill a jar.
- Playing with chalk in the rain with my siblings. I'd crush some chalk into a puddle to create paint, and they'd let me paint their faces and give them "warrior names".

It's hard to come up with these, but what does surface is sweet. I hope you all are well today!

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, resnullis.

I'm so glad for you that your girlfriend and friend were able to support you.

And your childhood memories are truly sweet. You brought back a memory I have of picking honeysuckle with my brother and friends for the drops of nectar.

Best wishes for continued support regarding self-harm and other issues.