"I am nothing, I am a nobody", revisited

[manuel_moe_g]

my challenges:

• autism spectrum
• depression
• anxiety
• social anxiety
• didn't have good tools or good strategies modeled for me when i was young
• black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, thinking in pure absolutes, attracted to extremes instead of the golden middle
• Resentment building up to explosive anger
• needing more mindfulness
• ADHD spectrum

with this much going on, it is hard not to feel like a defective person

i don't know how to feel about the fact that my current life represents me doing the very best i can (with very little room for even small improvements)

i love the people in my life the best i can

i guess that is enough

but i definitely don't feel like "enough"

i feel like a loser

[manuel_moe_g]

if i could go back in time to give my younger self a helpful message it would be this:

"you are not great. listen to me, there is zero evidence that you are great or that you even have the capability to be great. you will have to work your ass off just to grasp a few moments of happiness, because you have a massive number of challenges, even just one of which would put you behind the eight-ball"

i cannot say i really feel a lot of compassion for my younger self...

i am working to change this

if i met a different person with all those challenges, i would have compassion, so it is unfair to deny my younger self compassion

if i keep this in my mind steadily, it will help to change this

[manuel_moe_g]

i don't have compassion for myself, probably because my parents denied me compassion, and push the message instead of "you gotta be hard on yourself or you will become trash"

[Mental Fairy]

Oh Manuel_Moe
I want to send you a massive hug, I’m so sorry you feel this way. You have so much compassion and kindness so I can’t help but feel short of breath reading your posts.
The voice in the head that’s going around like a tornado of lies, hatred and self criticism is difficult to run from.
I wish we had a ‘shut the f up’ button in our brains.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy!

I feel better after therapy session.

my self hatred is a reaction against my father's way of being, because my father was a self-loving narcissist and who was in many way a demonstrably bad person

I have mixed-up thought: "you gotta be hard on yourself or you will become trash"

"self-reflection" with
"un-healthy pride" on one side,
"un-healthy shame" on the other side,
and "healthy guilt" in the middle

(where we define "guilt" as motivation to use self-reflection for improvement, but rejecting attacks on the core-self)

(where we define "shame" as motivation to use harsh self-criticism for improvement, attacking the heck out of the core-self, in a way that is ultimately self-defeating)

~~~~~

I think in my heart that I am
"tough" enough to move faster by
being meaner to myself

<BUT>

being "tough" doesn't let the
important work to be done faster,
it is actually slower because of
breakdowns and despair

<SO>

"self-compassion" and "healthy guilt"
seems slower,
but is actually faster

(yet another instance of "slow is fast, and fast is slow")

...this is what I will say to all my younger-selves that live inside of me, that are starving for self-compassion...

[oak]

Manuel Moe, thank you for sharing. I’m glad you did.

I am too exhausted to give a proper response yet, but I’m glad the therapy session was a success.

We are all standing by you.

[Mental Fairy]

We all are linking arms with you Manuel Moe. You are enough and you are worthy of happiness my friend. Even if it’s just here with us!

[Beany Boo]

There’s a fair chance you’re not great; by your parents standards that is. But judging by what you’ve told about them, that’s probably a good thing. It would be healthy to let go of that effort.

Ignore their expectations for a moment; you could be great and never know it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks, Beany!

Yes, you bring up a good point: I am not even sure if my desire to be "great" is my own, or if it was installed in me by my parents. It has been there so long, it feels like it is my own, but I cannot be sure.

[Mental Fairy]

Just had a Manuel Moe moment. I like to call it the MMM.

Currently battling a horrid head cold and testing negative thus far for covid.
Woke during the night with slitting headaches for many nights now. This morning was no exception. First thought was ‘I’m not good enough’. Followed by I should be on a run, I should be preparing dinner for tonight, I’m no good enough…on and on it went. No attempt to stop it was taken as was in a real low moment.
Got to work to sort our theatre lists. Operated, rushed to interview with podcast and afterwards had a massive crash of low mood.

So encapsulated in this and trying to hold my spine up straight when all I want to do is slump over. I have patients waiting on results, slowed by covid. I have some in recovery and more begging for operations but we have no room to fit them in.

Again, not good enough.
I can hear my inner voice of acceptance trying to scream through saying it’s ok. You are, you will be and you have been good enough but it’s so muffled by the screaming I’m not good enough.

Today Manuel Moe I hear you more now than ever.
My son rung me and had a chat and he can hear I’m not well by my voice. He said to look at the glass half full statement! I told him I need a much much smaller glass.