mindless social media scrolling, scrolling my life away

[manuel_moe_g]

I am having a hard time managing myself, some of the tasks that I have to do I attached a really negative emotional meaning to them, and just thinking about them puts me in a bad mood and dysregulates my nervous system. So it’s not surprising that I try and manage my mood with mindless device and social media scrolling and waste a lot of time. But I am working on it, I have a plan to just check-in on my mood a lot more often, breathe mindfully a lot, and just in general doing the right thing emotionally by myself

I am splitting up the brakes that I need to take into (1) brakes where I concentrate on mindfulness stuff and absolutely no device and social media scrolling, using an app on my smart phone that those for an amount of time, and also (2) brakes where I allow myself to do the scrolling, but for just a set amount of time, again using that app to turn off the social media sites after a set amount of time

[troebia]

MM, I can definitely relate and just by reading your post I get the shivers. So much of my time now is taken up by escape in one form or another and the internet becomes a black hole that draws me in. Even the need for useful information, such as how to treat a certain plant deficiency or pest, becomes an excuse for spending hours watching YouTube videos on the matter or interacting in gardening forums. My mind has become severely fragmented and there is no general direction or goal in my life anymore.

[manuel_moe_g]

yeah, i am really dialing-up the self-compassion, because from my mom's messaging, the habitual inner voice that tries to motivate me is one with a mean-spirited sense of shame, and that shame voice is such a loud voice

but shame has the actual effect of making me shut-down, because the shame attacks my nervous-system and i enter a primal-panic response of the "freeze" variety, which leads me to be inert with device and social-media scrolling

my wife also harshly criticizes me from a place of shame, i tolerate it because i am so used to it, and only now twenty+ years in is my self-esteem forming to reject that shame

i am practicing mindful breathing throughout the day to stay regulated in mood and in nervous-system

[manuel_moe_g]

please take care, Troebia, i hope you can really be there for yourself, you deserve it, if everyone in this little group was in a room with you, we would work to mentally build you up with our corporal energy and our voices

[troebia]

MM, I would so wish for you to neutralize the shame but not in an abrupt or traumatic manner. The sticker method seems to take you in the right direction, but have you tried the "micro-rebellions" I mentioned a while back? For example, buying a pair of new shoes and then going to a coffee shop and sit there for a while — just because you can. Whenever I go to the big city, I'll try to do something small and unscripted, harmless but definitely returning agency to myself. It makes me feel less like a robot and more in control of my actions. Sometimes it can be so small as sitting down on a park bench for ten minutes even though someone is waiting for me.

[manuel_moe_g]

oh god, i feel the shame welling up inside of me just thinking about "going to a coffee shop and sit there for a while — just because you can"

heh, obviously something i should explore

thanks, Troebia

[Mental Fairy]

Mindless scrolling is something i have started to do at times. I catch myself out doing it. Frustrating as heck. No idea why I just suddenly started doing it.
Starting the nervous system course next Tuesday so hopefully I will better understand things.

[troebia]

The mindless scrolling thing is anxiety relief and pure dopamine for the brain. Combined with alcohol and/or Xanax (sedation), it's a powerful cocktail that erases the hours. I'm at an extremely low point right now and I have sinned. I'd go to the aforementioned coffee shop but one dog is sick and I'm alone in the house.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh sweetie, what is going on? Sinned? Feel free to offload.

[troebia]

It sounds much juicier (sexual?) than I meant to. In my unreligious understanding, "sin" is what happens after having lost all moral framework. Dark thoughts, imagining doing harm just to provoke suffering. I am writing short stories that probably would be used against me, were I to act on my fantasies. They provide me with relief and release.