Flu thoughts.

[oak]

@Heather: Thanks for your kind, generous post. You have so much kindness to give: I hope it comes back to you. Everything I know about karma and life makes me confident good things will return to you.

I cleared out the passenger seat of my car, creating space for her to scoot her cute onto the seat (you know we look!); letting my imagination get away from me, I visualized jean or (deep breath) the sexy black pants women nowadays. Rawr. In the meantime she hasn't shown up, but my car is still fairly clean, and I'm keeping hopeful. It may be corny, but I get a lot of comfort from this song, from one of my three favorite albums. Tuesday could be my good news days. As in this Tuesday.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7vZ8J1bEbw

Flu prep

Over the last month I've picked up extra stuff: some more food, some meat for freezing, and toiletries. Especially tweezers, nailcippers, razors, and soap. I have about two weeks of food and caffeine. I hope society doesn't shut down before my next payday, which is 12 days from now.

My top priorities to prepare this week: get my old glasses fixed (I don't want to end up like that guy on the Twilight Zone!), and get some sort of manual washing machine. I ordered one three weeks ago, but they couldn't figure out the shipping to a local Fedex Store. Being quarantined without access to somewhat clean underwear is not my idea of a good time.

Thoughts I Had in the Emergency Room Regarding Death

As I posted elsewhere, I went to the ER Friday night with chest/abdominal pain. While I hasten to assure everyone I want and expect to live many more decades (things are just getting fun at 43), I am wholly ready to die. While my diagnosis turned out not to be serious (a pulled chest muscle), I astonished myself at my willingness to die.

Maybe because I've been close to death before.

All that being said, I think we're going to be okay. I'm not under any illusions that the flu won't be widespread, or that I can escape it. For me, at least, it is about facing something difficult with courage.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I highly recommend sticking around after 43.

I hit rock bottom at 45. I was doing something important to me, asked friends and family to come and support me and not. one. person. showed up. As I looked around at others having their picture taken and being hugged I realized I had nothing to lose. Within 2 years I had moved to the kind of place I always dreamed of living in, with a job I loved. I met a partner who stood by me for 2 years while I periodically asked "when will you be turning into a monster". Everytime his reply was "I will be the same person tomorrow that I am today". (I know you've seen Princess Bride...this was my As You Wish man). He did not come in the package my previous partners had come in...tall, brooding, he was almost elfin--compact, cheerful and direct. I'm telling you Oak, you are not going to recognize your person when they come so stay open.

I still don't have the deep friendships I want, but I have surface friends and that's a start. I continue to work on myself to be able to make space for that kind of intimacy.
My point is, you don't know what's coming in 6 months, a year, 2 years. Everything can change. Be here for it!
Heather

[oak]

@Heather: what a dear, dear person you are. You are such a treasure. You are so giving of yourself, and I deeply appreciate you.

And yes, elfin men can be amazing people: a sucker for nobody, they can be as tough- and kind- as anyone. Like me growing up stuttering, a shorter man, if he is to survive, must learn to be smart, tough, and smart again. And goodness, are some of these wiry men tough. They have lots of fight.

And Princess Bride: such a profound (and entertaining, except for the Billy Crystal part) story! I'd put it up there, for romances and hero's-journey with The Count of Monte Cristo and Star War (I find it interesting that all three involve swordplay: that the hero must become increasingly savvy).

While I'm not sure if I believe in myself, I believe in you believing in me. And yes, while I'm ready to die, I hope and expect not to, for a long time. Much like the Tony Bennett song, I'm interested to see where and when she'll show up. I hope to be ready!

Flu Prep:

Contrary to reports on the west coast, I was surprised to see, at the local Dollar General, that I had my choice of, well, everything. Other than pop (read: caffeine) at 20 days supply, I have about a month's worth of food and toiletries in my apartment right this minute.

I still have to get my old (but still usable in a pinch) glasses fixed, and a means of manually washing clothes.

If we end up in a quarantine, which wouldn't surprise me either way, I know going stir crazy would be a real concern. But I know I've prepared as best I can: I have plans for clean clothes, shaving, exercise, and mental stimulation. When I had the regular flu two months ago I was careful to shower, shave, and wear clean clothes most days. It didn't cure the flu, but I think it was good for my mojo.

Edit: Since posting, I watched the Billy Crystal scene for the first time* in 30 years. In that time I've learned to appreciate Jewish Humor, and he gives a master class in it. So much sweetness right beneath the cynicism.

* I "watched" it with a girlfriend ten years ago, but by that age "watching a movie" has a whole other meaning, and we didn't get very far into it.

[oak]

Update!

This week's goals: Get old glasses fixed and get manual clothes washing stuff: accomplished.

Next week's goals: Since I am pretty good for food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies, should there be a quarantine for up to a month, but I am already craving comfort food: rich, sweet, salty, fatty desserts I grew up with. I'm good for savory and umami (think miso, soy sauce, and tomato) foods: just last night I got another package of chicken thighs, and some hot Italian sausage. But life would be missing something, and my wellness would not be the same, without sweet and salty foods.

The shelves are still full in my area, and I am out of money until I get paid again a week from today, so my purchasing is done for now. I was also surprised the mall was still open yesterday so I could go to the Amazon locker.

A secondary goal for next week is to return any forgotten library books, mostly so I am not cut off from the all-important Hoopla and Lynda access through my dear local public libraries. Local libraries are a treasure!

Work: I could certainly work from home for my current job, and what I do would be very important to my employer should quarantines (official or otherwise) come down. I could have also worked from my home for my previous job. Still, I am worried about losing my job: how would I make rent? I am chilled for people who don't have the option/possibility to work from home: what will they do?

Happy ending: after a foolish tiff with my father last week-all his fault, as he admitted- I am reconciled with my father. We agreed that that while neither of us expected to die from the coronavirus, both of us have lived full lives, and could face a coronavirus death without regret. We agreed that we could think of worse ways to die. While I don't hope or expect him to die, there is nothing left unsaid between us, and much mutual praise and admiration.

Looking forward: should the virus spread everywhere, infect me, and I survive (all things I think are highly likely), I can already anticipate, having had a brush with death a week ago today, that my thoughts and intentions will turn, after the virus, to romantic love. Freud said that there are only two worthy pursuits: work and love. I've turned work around, and now I want to love. And I know just who I want to pursue (or cause her to think she is pursuing me: the game of love at its sweetest: having the pursued think she is the pursuer!).

[oak]

I think I have it.

Scratchy throat, small fever.

Fortunately, if I can toot my own horn (toot toot!), I've been preparing for this for six weeks.

While I wouldn't be thrilled to spend the next two weeks alone in my apartment, I am as ready as I can be: I have food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, exercise equipment, and stuff for mental stimulation (internet, mostly).

I feel like I did when I had the regular flu (see beginning of this post, from two months ago[!]).

[brownblob]

Sending positive thoughts your way.

[oak]

Okay! So I am a bit sheepish to admit, but here goes: I had symptoms both semi objective (sore throat, back pain) and objective (a fever, the same temp I had when I had the flu). This lasted several hours, and I since feel fine and have no temperature.

My guesses: psychosomatic ((likely!), a weird little unrelated anomaly, or a mild situation of the corona itself.

While I feel a bit sheepish, I did listen to my body, and use my words here. So that is a success. I don’t doubt I’ll actually get it, but for today I’ll accept the current situation with gratitude.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Glad you're feeling better, and nothing to be embarassed about, why should you be?
Our immune systems are fighting so much, all the time, and we have no idea!


Leave something out for awhile and watch what happens...

Timelapse watermelon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S12zZhdOckc

Pumpkins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uVeVwZaHC4

And an interesting article on the immune system, and how to support it -
https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterl ... une-system

Wishing you well!

SD

[Heatherwantspeace]

Glad you're feeling better Oak!
The purpose of this forum is to voice the things we can't tell others. We have a place of comfort and acceptance. You were worried, and you shared that worry with us so we could help you carry it. Well done!

Now we all get a chance to practice holding diverse thoughts side by side and not having black and white thinking:
I hugged my friend yesterday and went out for coffee today. I also stocked up on cat food, books, coffee and boardgames
A number of things I was planning on doing this month have been cancelled. This feels both like overkill and prudence
I am sure I will be fine. I also worry I will get sick
Living through a pandemic is scary, but also interesting! It feels a bit like a scifi movie seeing public health notices everywhere

Be well everybody.
Heather

[oak]

"What are these poor people going to do?" I thought to myself, as I walked through a nearly-empty mall. 9 of 10 stores were closed.

I worked as a PT minimum wage employee at that mall in 2005, and as recently as ten years ago today I was working retail. While it taught me everything I know now about work (I was newly sober), I had about $15-20 a week to spend on food. I of course had no savings. My family of origin was (justifiably) furious with me (we've since healed), and I was in the midst of ten years of couch surfing. Which means I was only there as long as someone who really didn't care, wanted me there. (And this person did kick me out with no fanfare in 2012, but that's another story!).

What would I have done had this happened then?

I am humbled and grateful for having what I have now: my own modest apartment, and about four weeks of food. Due to my new career (broadly, tech) I could and should be working from home by now. I may quit if required to continue to come in. Though I'd not be surprised or really bothered should they shut their doors permanently. I am subject to the same trouble as my fellow humans. (Happily, I had a phone interview Monday for a work from home position.)

Still, I was chilled by the empty mall. I was there to pick up my last Amazon packages (I'm glad I ordered them Saturday, before Amazon prioritized non-essential shipments). I'm 43, and have been in this mall since I was a child, so 40 years. I've never seen this, ever.

This can't be good, to have so many people out of work. What will they do?

I'll post again, in a few days, about the last of my preparations, and my plan for the quarantine I see as inevitable.