Physical fitness, letting go of bitterness (5 post arc)

[oak]

Thanks Heather!

Yes, it was pretty bad ass, in retrospect.

I don’t particularly remember being nervous, because as a newly sober person I understood intimately that it was either:

A. Come clean about my hurts and excavate them, or
B. Jails, insanity and death

I had to choose right then, otherwise I would complete destroying myself.

[oak]

A setback, and a plan back.

1. Today: frowny face emoji
2. The larger picture (COVID, mass grief, my grief, me not pushing)
3. A way forward

1. Walking before my taekwando class today my right ankle was sore: a 2 or 3 of 10: not terrible, but hurt with every step. I decided, much to my disappointment, not to go. This made me sadder than I can explain. I did stop to get some teriyaki chicken (and it wasn't very good! How do you mess up chicken, salt, and umami???? Still, I'm very grateful to have said chicken, as we'll see...)

2. Just like I am enormously privileged (and yes, I used that word intentionally) to afford take out teriyaki chicken, I realize I am enormously privileged, in this time of COVID to be alive. And if I am recovered, that's all the more reason for gratitude. I also realize I am fortunate to be in my mid 40s and just have ordinary aches and pains. I am very grateful indeed. "Pushing through the pain" sounds like a terrible idea at 44.

3. The Plan: I can wake up tomorrow, try my ankle by a short walk to the mailbox, eat my leftover teriyaki, drink a beloved pop, and 5 mg of my new refill of Buspar.

I can also be a bit more savvy and self-loving by being more diligent about my beloved tai chi. I'll get warmed up more, and more frequently.

I can do better going forward. This is what I tell myself!

[Beany Boo]

Your plan is not in jeopardy because of your ankle pain. Far from it. You’re also not inconveniencing anyone by feeling and responding to the pain.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing obstacles. It’s frustrating.

This is pretty much what life is; rupture and repair. Making mistakes and recovering from them. Over and over. No one is shaming you for hurting your ankle, because it’s not warranted.

Making mistakes, getting better at recovering from them. Getting better at making multiple mistakes and recovering from them.

No shame.

[oak]

Thanks, Beany Boo. You know that I really appreciate you, and the insight you so generously give of yourself.

And yes, I can move through shame (which is what I grew up with), to making a plan and taking principled action.

Example:

There was lots of shaming, but zero talk about physical fitness, and the joy thereof, in my home growing up. That voice of shame is my mother's voice. Frankly, she has been a poor steward of her physical life.

So much for the old

Setting aside the shame, going forward I can listen to you: yes, everything I am experiencing is typical of a mid-40s man bodily outcomes with martial arts.

Yet, I've met many black belts who started at my age, twenty years ago, and are in amazing shape.

I also brought my situation up to my good friend, a blue belt in judo. He knowingly said that my experience is not only not odd, but to be expected.

I've scheduled an appointment with my physical therapist, a brown belt in kenpo, for identifying my aches, and specific actions I can take to mitigate this.

I hope I am moving forward.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'm proud of you for seeking help when you needed it! You're on your way!
Apropos of nothing, on my walk the other day I saw 2 dogs of the same breed walking on a tandem leash. I always find that kind of funny and charming. What can you delight in today?
Heather