oak wrote: ↑July 30th, 2023, 1:27 pm
I'll ask the same of you, Troebia: setting aside my indefensible use of Reddit up to the present, how would you advise I move towards the future I want?
Hi Oak, I 'll give plenty of advice but I think you've already taken the first step:
"This needs to stop." I can only tell you things from my own experience, interesting or not.
I had a similar problem with masturbation to internet porn and as you say, if you summed up the endless hours wasted and instead had concentrated on something actually worthwhile... I have my own "situation" under control now and I don't think back about it with remorse. Firstly because regret is useless, but also because I was different then and in a different situation: work stress, relationship troubles, severe anxiety, even thinking of suicide. I got better not because of some conscious plan or because someone confronted/criticized me about it, but because life changed. Somewhat paradoxically getting laid off and being basically unemployable, and accepting a life with much
less turned out to be positive. BIG footnote: we were finally without mortgage and debts. On the other side of the spectrum, we have an acquaintance that is semi-retired and now has started two businesses, is always busy, always on the go, "hungry" for more...that's not me, it
could not be me. Whenever someone asks me now for a favor related to my old job or commission me some pottery or a drawing, I instantly freeze up as in PTSD and realise that I wouldn't be able to carry the load as before. I'm not 100% happy about it, but this relatively boring life is the only one I seem to be able to manage.
Also, I hadn't realised before how important it is to try to surround yourself with the
right people. For example, I joined an urban sketching group and get away to remote places from time to time. My wife and I joined an Italian language course, and have gotten new friends we occasionally get together with. We have pruned away others, such as obnoxious cousins and "friends" from the old workplace.
So Oak, you mention kettlebell and classic guitar. Are there some other people around those activities that you could consider
upgrading to friends? I don't mean just for practising those activities, but more having a bite together, maybe helping out with something, maybe visiting some fair together... Meeting people IRL is very important for honing social skills. You don't have to become intimate friends, but just the fact that they are there beside you sharing a meal means acceptance, peace, positiveness. If you get to know somebody new, these people will usually know others who could potentially become part of your circle. Maybe to a group one day, that guy you almost never noticed will bring along his female single cousin and you find her extremely interesting... You can't force these things, they simply happen. But to happen, one has to make an effort to get out there and also be prepared to suffer mild disappointments along the way, together with the good stuff. I don't enjoy the company of all the people in the sketching group I go to, for example. In fact, I even quit the first group because they were so "stuck up" and decided to go to one in another city. Also I'm praying we don't get the same Italian teacher this year because she was so demanding and dry, but in spite of her it was worth attending.
Once the
real world becomes more important to you, your Reddit use will probably taper off. I don't think quitting cold is the solution. I'll still wank to internet porn, for example, but it doesn't eat up my day anymore or stay in my thoughts. Oh that post-nut clarity.
To finish off, a friendly minor warning/criticism: don't gloat about being a clean survivor of Covid. Life isn't fair. Life can give you the most incredible opportunities and pleasures, but also hit you with full force in the nuts where and when you least expect it, with perfectly customised cruelty and insult. There was recently an excellent episode on the philosophy podcast "Very Bad Wizards" where they tried to pinpoint the meaning of the character Anton Chigurh in "No Country for Old Men". I sometimes think that someone like that could knock at my door any time. Is he the devil? Pure evil? No, he's just a product of life like the rest of us. Maybe if I hold my breath, he'll pass by.