Life is like that two week long Chinese traffic jam...

[cyanidebreathmint]

cyanidebreathmint wrote:
I dunno, I mean, in certain ways optimism is willful ignoring of the horrible aspects of the world, and even in a sense it's disrespectful.

I tend to agree, and sometimes the realistic view is the pessimistic view. The only problem is that humans are not wired logically, and pessimism leads to inaction leads to learned helplessness. Staying a capable human being is important to me, and being optimistic or pessimistic or realistic or crazy-go-nuts is just a means to an end - being a capable human being is the key.

lol, yeah, i was thinking about the pessimism and inaction thing after i wrote that. i was actually thinking i was full of shit. heh.

yeah, i guess it's important to be a human being who's able to function. lol. i

[dare i say it]

There's this story I used to like as a kid called the Snow Queen, where demons drop this magic glass and it falls to earth and breaks into a million pieces. The thing about the glass is it only reflects bad, sad and terrible things, and it magnifies them. When the glass falls, it breaks and the little fragments scatter all over the earth and lodge in people's eyes and hearts making them cold, and only able to see the ugly in the world. This was my favorite story as a kid. lol. I think in the end love fixes it. Anyway your line about the mental filter reminded me of it.

It's odd how the best children's stories are built around lessons that have profound meaning even for adults. I feel like I might have had one of those magic glass fragments in my eye for most of my life. it's very hard to know for sure. For me, it's deeply unsettling to question my own perceptions. But then a part of me takes over that relentlessly seeks the truth. So I refuse to give in to either pessimism or optimism. I just want to see the world the way it really is, and to see myself the way I really am.

For what it's worth, no treatment I've ever sought has asked me to lie to myself. You mentioned in one of your posts that you had gotten a couple of referrals. I truly hope that goes well for you. If it's not too personal, let us know what you find out.

Dan

[manuel_moe_g]

I just want to see the world the way it really is, and to see myself the way I really am.

I tend to agree, but sometimes hope is more important than "realism" (if you think about it, it is kind of ridiculous for something as small as a human to imagine it has a "realistic" view of the massive universe, so "having a realistic view" is not a "realistic" goal, if you want to get technical about it )

I always think of the two frogs dropped in a bucket of cream. One frog thinks realistically "I can only swim for a limited amount of time to keep my head above the cream, then I will drown, so I might as well give up now" and that frog lets itself sink to the bottom to die. The other frog, hoping against hope, keeps furiously paddling his legs. Eventually he churns the cream into butter, and his legs find purchase to then hop out of the bucket!

If my actions are consistent with being as actively effective as my tiny mind can imagine, at this very moment, I don't press myself to try to find "realistic" reasons to give up. This means fighting against my pessimistic and inert nature.

[cyanidebreathmint]

I realize now I seem to be arguing against you guys and against myself, on my behalf, for some reason (sort of)...hmmm. lol. Well, I tend to get into this space where I can be a contrarian and also where I can just be a bit argumentative for sport (I was once a debate kid, that was my "sport").

But, I'd like to add, there's a difference between wishing to have a realistic view of our own human sphere, even mostly excluding the physical world, and just studying patterns in relationships and emotions and things and expecting to have a realistic view of the universe, even if it is all related.

[manuel_moe_g]

It is almost impossible for me to have an "argument" on this topic, because I am in conflict between my intellectual view, my daily actions, and the negative voices in my head. I just repeat the things I hope will eventually manifest in active change in my life, so maybe some of it sticks. Cheers, all the best!

[cyanidebreathmint]

I made an appointment. Now the dread of actually going.

I got a few referrals and googled them all and picked the one that seemed best. Then, on a lark, I googled the person who gave me the referrals and she was all tied up with an acupuncturist and chinese herbalist and I lost some faith in her, immediately coming to the conclusion that she is either one of those unrelenting cheery gullible whatsits or a scammer. But then I decided to just not dwell on that and assume she gave me a good referral. heh. This shit's hard.

[manuel_moe_g]

I googled the person who gave me the referrals and she was all tied up with an acupuncturist and chinese herbalist and I lost some faith in her, immediately coming to the conclusion that she is either one of those unrelenting cheery gullible whatsits or a scammer. But then I decided to just not dwell on that and assume she gave me a good referral.

Yeah, for me as well, part of my dealing with depression is working hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. Good luck, cheers!

[dare i say it]

I made an appointment. Now the dread of actually going.

Oh, I soooo know that feeling! I found a therapist that I like a few weeks ago and I'm making some progress. I could try to give you advice, but I'll just stick to encouragement. I'm happy for you that you're taking steps to take care of yourself. That is so good to hear! This may sound incredibly sad, but I sometimes I have to ask myself, "What sorts of things would I do if I actually loved myself?" Eventually, I had to admit that getting back into therapy was one of those things.

If you want the advice--what to look for in a therapist, how to make the most of it--I can't say it any better than this article: http://psychcentral.com/therapst.htm

[dare i say it]

Some practical tips for anyone who's not sure how to get started with therapy, i.e. how to find the right therapist for you:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2 ... therapist/

[cyanidebreathmint]

Thanks for the kind words and links, guys.

I'm not sure if I should post after bots. I'm not sure if that makes it harder to clean up, but this is when I'm online.

I'll try and read up on what to look for and stuff before my app. I have a pretty crappy memory, and reading it now will probably be pointless. hehe.

I seem to have had a small reprieve from some of the misery for a good 6-10 hours today. I was happy it was sunny out. I work in a really beautiful area that's always on top 10 lists for best cities in the US and usually I can recognize the aesthetic beauty but it doesn't touch my soul at all like it has at times in the past. But today I recognized it and felt some little itch of something. Then at work I was even able to be a bit cheery. At lunch I had a spring in my step. And on the drive home I had the normal thoughts wondering why I am alive but it felt like it was almost out of habit, and it almost felt half hearted. It was a bit funny actually. I don't think I've ever felt such a quick swing from bad to good to bad, kind of like a bell curve. And even with such a rapid progression, it's still hard to remember what the emotion on the other side feels like. In the cheery mood, I tried to remember what it was like when I woke up and couldn't. And now it's hard to remember what it was like when I was in a cheery mood a few hours ago. Weird. I feel kinda disconnected. Welp, I'm gonna go watch Southpark, I guess.

darei, i totally get what you are saying about asking yourself the question of what you would do for yourself if you loved yourself. it's really what anyone has to do to move on from the pits.