Why Can't I Be Her?

[Karina]

As I mentioned earlier, any system that plays favorites is as inherently flawed as the person administrating it - and, yes, his "favorites" were few and far between. It took me way too long to realize that I harbored way too much needless anger at this one teacher for almost nothing. He's a rude person, sure, and I'm not sure (nor can I tell) how empathetic or forgiving he truly is. I've read more than a few posts on here about bearing grudges, and certainly know enough about mental health to realize that some grudges aren't completely unfounded. However, this teacher is currently in ill health - and it felt somewhat gratifying to me to wish that he could die and someone else could take over - you know, magically make the world fair. I've had enough confrontations from drunk and sober people who made it into the program to know that "I was robbed."

One of his favorite students died yesterday. The cause was not officially reported - I can't help but feel like, if it was an accidental death or terminal illness, those details would have been mentioned. Without getting into too much, this teacher had a very clear bias for this one student, even appointing them as an assistant teacher and carrying them over into the pre-professional cast after two term periods (which is very rare). This was an openly happy, positive person - if they were suffering at all, no one had any idea. The teacher is clearly shaken by the loss. I hope it enables him to be more empathetic and inclusive in the long run, although a part of me wondered if I would never get to accomplish what this favorite did and, somehow more paranoiacally, if my secret wishing of death on him carried over to this other person.

It took a seismic event like that for me to realize that 1. getting everything I want will not make me a fulfilled person in the long run and, somewhat paradoxically, 2. I can still be fulfilled in life without getting into that damn program. It's a bitter pill to swallow but a big growth one.

[next year]

I just had this feeling that the nice people were supposed to get some type of reward, too. But any system that plays favorites is as inherently flawed as the person controlling it.

Unfortunately I have yet to work or study anywhere where no one plays favorites. It's an unfortunate part of life. My dad's mantra when I was a kid was "Life's not fair." It actually is a great thing to embrace early on and I try to pass it on to my kids. Working hard and doing your best should be their own reward. I have a friend at work who spend an inordinate amount of time on what other people at work are getting away with, who got a raise, etc. It only leads to your own dissatisfaction.

It sounds like you are coming to terms with all this in a positive way and learning some valuable lessons. I know how toxic and demotivating stuff like that can be. Hang in there.