Flu thoughts.

[oak]

Hi friends. With your indulgence, I'd like to have two posts this weekend: the outer and the inner.

Outer:

1. I still have a job (good), and since I was employed through today I can make rent for April (very good), but I am still expected to go into work, though I expect that to change any day (and while I'm not thrilled, I'm okay with it for now).

While I'd not be surprised to lose my job, I am hoping to thread the needle and hold on for another week or two, though I would totally accept losing this job at any moment.

Survivor's guilt: having worked/studied my way up from big box cashier through entry-level white collar to very entry level tech work, I am feeling survivor's guilt: due to a combination of luck, foresight, free time, and grit, it is possible that I'll employed longer than co-workers I see every day. Not that I won't lose my job; I will. I just might keep it another ten days or two weeks. The survivor's guilt I feel probably deserves its own thread.

2. CVS is boldly striding into 2006 by mailing me my beloved Buspar. While I was ready to ration then taper from 5 mg to nothing, now I can stay at my prescribed 10mg/day. This is a bigger relief than I anticipated.

3. My state has not been shut down, yet, so I am hoping to conclude any last errands tomorrow morning (Saturday). Since I'm good for primary needs -food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies- for a few weeks, at this point it is more secondary and tertiary/quality of life things: getting my oil changed, etc.

This weekend:

1. Final errands before the state is shut down.

2. Refining my quarantine plan, with these broad themes: menu variety, cleaning schedule, daily routines, clothing/shaving/hygiene, topics to learn, plans for "After".

With your kind indulgence I'll post here.

[oak]

I really don't want to use my words, for this, so it is all the more important that I do.

I speak only for myself, so hold on for some gendered and class-based language. Here goes.

I am enough.

It is okay that I stay in my home. It is the law of my state and nation. It is permitted for me to go outside for groceries and exercise/fresh air. I have abided by that.

Nine days ago I was in a car wreck, and car accidents are a trauma for me. I have been sleeping, really sleeping, for the first time in maybe twenty years. While I had no concussion symptoms, my mind is foggy. Much like when I was first sober.

I am enough if these are the only things I do all day: stay in, eat, take prescribed Buspar, surf the web, eat Little Debbie snack cakes, and read Amish romance novels.

Other than staying indoors and washing my hands properly (done), for today I have few responsibilities to society, my neighbors, my family, "the job market", what life demands of me, "being a real man".

"Being a real man": two bedrocks: having a job and having a car. I had both of those until 4:59 and 5:30, respectively, Monday March 23. Since then I have neither. I am enough.

Tangent: I remember when I got my wisdom teeth out, at age 40, that is was okay and encouraged for me: not to work, only eat ice cream, and take (prescribed) opiates. I feel this quarantine is a society wide example of my dental experience. It is funny how quickly mores changes. Note: while I appreciated the prescribed opiates, going forward I'll stick with my wonder drug, ibuprofen, since it worked just as well as the Percocets. End tangent.

I am a healthy 43 year old man, in his prime, of sound body and mind, with a college degree, with a masters degree, with five months of paid web development experience, who looks "respectable".

While all the following are good and wholesome, I am enough if I don't today: shower, shave, wear clean clothes, leave the house, apply for jobs, teach myself code, floss, eat "right", exercise, tai chi.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'm glad you recognize you've been through multiple traumas lately and need some self care and self love.
I ate a medium sized bag of peanut M&M's in one sitting after my first day back at work. We don't have to be perfect for anyone.
Heather

[Beany Boo]

Even if you never do these tasks again; even if you are never ‘enough’; or not ‘a real man’, you have my approval and acceptance.

[manuel_moe_g]

Oak,

you are more than a "man", you are a true example of a "self-actualized man"

[brownblob]

You are enough. We are living in strange times and taking it one day at a time is all that we can do.
Wish I had some peanut M&M's.

[oak]

Thank you, friends! I've enjoyed/appreciated all of your kind replies over the years, and few as much as this one.

@Heather: I know, or "know", that food doesn't equal love, but goodness am I craving rich/sweet/fatty food and candy. I've eaten more Pizza Rolls in the last two weeks than I have in the previous twenty years.

@BeanyBoo and Brownblob: I think highly of both of you, and your encouragement has given me permission to just be. You have given me space from having to do.

@Manuel Moe: Thanks! As always. You know, I was thinking about the Maslow hierarchy of needs, and it is interesting how life's circumstances can make us go down the chute of that hierarchy ("katabasis" is the fancy term). I think there is something valuable in going down.

Today, friends, I really wanted to go outside for a walk, do my taxes, and yeah none of that has happened.

Grief is its thing, and will show up on its own timetable. I give myself permission to grieve: 1. the trauma of last Monday's car wreck, and losing my car 2. losing my job 3. the mass trauma of COVID 4. the daily "little" traumas of just being alive and 5. the accumulated trauma I've collected over a lifetime.

While I have much to be grateful and hopeful for, for today, for now, my body is grieving. On the cellular level. I can't explain it, but I can feel it in every cell.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

You have a lot on your plate, and I'm sorry to hear about it.
Losing a job and your car together are two major body blows on top of all the rest....

Grief is surely warranted.

But may I encourage you to go out for a walk?
It's quite helpful to get some natural light on your face, and a bit of fresh air.

Doing taxes, not so much...

Be well.

SD

[Heatherwantspeace]

brownblob, your M&M comment made me laugh and I want to thank you for that. Laughs are in short supply right now.
Heather

[oak]

@Heather: It is great to see you posting.

@SnoringDog: I've learned to immediately effect suggestions like yours, my friend. I'd been hoping to, in the next month, gradually build up to walking the mile-each-way walk from my apartment to the town square. I was going to chunk it by quarter miles.

Instead yesterday I just went for it and walked the whole thing. I was a little afterwards, but I was glad to face my fear.

On starting, instead of consider the whole scary walk, I resolved to effect your kind suggestion by walking to the nearest Pokemon Go PokeStop, which is a quarter mile away. Once I got there, I wanted to keep going, telling myself (ie lying to myself) that I'd just "walk to the next PokeStop, another quarter mile away".

What I learned: listen to friends, take easy and small steps, give myself a convenient reason/excuse to go just a little farther.