Sleep apnea, GERD, and obesity: efforts to fix this.

[Beany Boo]

I’ve got another insight that may not be helpful.

I agree it’s great to have intimate relationships.

It’s also hard to make friends when you’re older. This kept me isolated for a long long time.

I’ve discovered that you can get relief from loneliness by joining special interest groups. It’s fun to spend time with strangers who share the same interests as you. You talk about or do something you both like. You also don’t have to commit any more than feels comfortable. Without the pressure it’s often actually easier to commit.

There’s also much less pressure than say, dating.

I joined a feminist book club and a Pilates class both over a year ago now. They continued on Zoom during lockdown. I know people a little bit more after a year. It’s good practice for socializing.

I’m about to join a casual creative writing group. It’s minimal cost and run by a local writing center; no commitment or outcome required. Just writing together.

Point is:

Dating yes, friends yes but strangers with the same interests as you, also a rewarding option.

[remarks]

I'm late to the party here, but I wanted to say I also have sleep apnea. While it sucks to wear a CPAP at night and I can't fall asleep without thinking I may never wake up, I do feel much more awake in the daytime now. One less excuse to be lazy (but don't worry, I have plenty of others).

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to finishing my post. While your health issues are difficult, I think there's a lot of hope for improvement and treatment, and I'm glad you have the medical insurance and other resources to help you on this path. Your goals sound reasonable, and I remember that you were able to change your diet and health successfully a few years ago, and I believe you can do this again. Reaching out for support is a great first step.

I'm not sure if it was in this thread or another one, but you also mentioned that you want to try to win the person you're in love with. I don't want to be discouraging in any way, but it worries me a little bit that you feel like you have to win her. I might be misinterpreting your meaning, but I just don't want you to think that you aren't lovable or valuable already, just as you are, even if you aren't the one for this particular woman. Any improvement you make for your own health and happiness might make you more attractive to some women, but it doesn't define your value. I know it's probably easier for me to say this than it is for you to feel it, but it's something I struggle with too. I kept myself from having a relationship for too many years because I was perpetually thinking I had to improve myself in various ways before I could allow myself to date anyone.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

I struggle with this too.

I like the approach young people take of having multiple crushes. I think it’s healthy and non-commital; separate from something more serious. I definitely have multiple crushes.

I also find it difficult to embody self worth even though it’s perfectly acceptable as a philosophical concept. As soon as I stop trying to get it heroically right though it becomes easier to sense and engage. This is particularly true now when much I value that was invisible about me is starting to take centre stage in the world.

The biggest risk is feeling strong (read: ugly) emotions around someone and not being able to control how they see them. I remind myself that that’s always already happening whether I am in a relationship or not. What hurts I realize, was the trying to stop them. Sometimes you have to.

I like the idea of winning someone over because it punctuates a change. Relationships can get complicated; heavy. It’s nice to have some simple ways to talk about them. Sometimes the innocence of that is enough security to get you through a difficult passage.

We often walk a tightrope of sensitivity on the forum and that’s valid. I value it a lot. That said, I’m not going to police your language about your experiences. So feel free to call me on that if I do.

[oak]

1. Brief updates
2. A miracle windfall of spoons Sunday
3. Thanks to Remarks, Rivergirl, and Beany Boo.

1. Updates!

a. Sleep apnea: the feckless sleep doctor didn't get back to me. I had no spoons to take any other action this week.

b. GERD: with all sincercity, I fear sleep apnea, but I hate GERD. I hate about five things, which is not so bad in 40+ years of life, and I can confirm in any court in America that I hate GERD. I haven't had any since I began that always-faustian-bargain with PPIs.

c. Obesity: I am easing from a Standard American Diet to a (mostly) whole foods plant based diet of the Esselstyn crowd, but don't have much to report. I had no spoons.

2. Spoons

I had a miracle of spoons today: in addition to my beloved misir wat, I had the energy and drive to make arroz con gandules. Without exaggerating, I have no idea how I found the wherewithal to do so. And it turned out... not bad!

3. Thank yous

a. Remarks: Oh, so you know the hell that is waking up choking?

b. Beany Boo: As always, you share such gems of wisdom, sharing so liberally. I really was comforted by your advice. Your insights into the world have made me more accepting. I observe more, too, thanks to your hard-won wisdom.

c. Rivergirl: Thank you for articulating, and articulating so well, what I have just learned the hard way.

And yes, after decades of being invisible, when I did martial arts women started to notice me. I only did martial arts for myself, but was astonished when women noticed me immediately after class!

I was sweaty and bedraggled, both energized and barely dragging myself home after class. I do martial arts strictly for myself, but beautiful women have noticed me.

So, yes, I want to win one specific woman. But to repurpose my grandmother's saying: a woman chases a man until he catches her.

And I don't need to win her, only: nowadays all you see are pretty girls anywhere you go.

So while martial arts are not moral for me until I vaccinated, I do look forward to the day I semi-inadvertently win such a prize.

It is just like I always heard: we often get what we want when we stop looking and trying, and follow our bliss.

Corny as it is, there is a reason "they" say that, after all these years!

[rivergirl]

I agree about Beany's gems of wisdom, Oak.

Thank you for taking the time to share your updates.

Congratulations on finding unexpected spoons to spare today.

Also glad to hear that you plan to keep following your bliss. I can't see any downside to that course of action.

rg

[oak]

Thanks Rivergirl!

Weekly update:

1. GERD
2. Sleep apnea
3. Obesity
4. Actual good news.

1. GERD: My faustian bargain with PPI continues to have excellent results: I didn't wake choking at all this week. (Which demonstrates how far I've come down in this COVID world.)

2. Sleep apnea: This is no better but I scheduled appointments with the sleep doctor and dental/jaw specialist in the coming weeks. I've done much better with screens off at about 9 pm: I figure that if I can't sleep well, I can at least sleep more. And it works!

3. Obesity: I am getting hardly any exercise (it is very cold out), but I continue to astonish myself with eating better. I am expanding my palate, and having a lot of fun doing so.

4. Actual Good News

Laying in bed one morning this week, I realized:

a. I have the financial (money) and transportation (I can walk) means to go to the store in the next half hour.

b. While there, I can buy ingredients to effect recipes from around the world (misir wat, arroz con gandules) that are proven to have me lose weight.

c. Ergo I can change my life, clearly, by taking specific actions.

This gives me a subtle but very real sense of agency. "Self-confidence" is too strong of a word. An analogy for the imprecision of language regarding this experience is like this: It is like saying "Jean Shrimpton is beautiful."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Shrimpton

Well, yes, she is, but "beautiful" is just a word, and doesn't describe her sublime, transcendent beauty.

Likewise, I could use words that describe this "quiet confidence", but words are blunt too expansive and too constrictive at the same time. It will have to suffice to say that after an entire lifetime of sorrow, confusion, and lack of hope that my actions mean anything, it is like I am breathing for the first time.

[Beany Boo]

It will have to suffice to say that after an entire lifetime of sorrow, confusion, and lack of hope that my actions mean anything, it is like I am breathing for the first time.

Beautiful

[oak]

Companion to this post:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qJU8G7gR_g

While my love has not come along (sigh)... yet, with all sincerity the next best "at last" moment happened today:

I finally have hope about my sleep apnea.

After months of dealing with health professionals of varying quality, I finally talked to an adult!

My dentist (who has gotten me out of several desperate situations) recommended a local dentist who specializes in sleep apnea.

Like all good experiences of sober-Oak, within five minutes I was crying tears of joy, especially when she said most of my journey to address sleep apnea is behind me, and I've done everything right.

(btw, the kind dentist assured me that it is common for patients to weep with joy to hear there is a solution for their sleep apnea.)

Unlike my experiences up til now, she: cared, listened, encouraged, and provided options.

Long story short: I'll work with my mental health counselor to try the CPAP test (which, frankly, has been a trauma so far) one last time. A dental appliance would not be quite as effective, but I understand it to be much better than my current life if I can't get a proper CPAP test. (In addition to losing weight.)

There is a clear path forward, finally. I am often afraid of taking action, yet 99 times of 100 it goes great, like it did today.

It is so nice to finally work with a grown up.

Lastly, I hope you'll indulge me sharing the following. It is just so good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl0DehwApzE

[oak]

Bump! Updates.

1. GERD
2. Sleep apnea
3. Obesity

1. GERD

My Faustian bargain with proton pump inhibitors continue to pay off handsomely, and I've had GERD perhaps once in six weeks.

2. Sleep apnea

This has stalled since I am now sure I have trauma from both of the terrible experiences I had this winter with the sleep tests. Horrible. I don't see much movement with this until I get EMDR or something to resolve this trauma.

Six months into my new job, they're talking about giving me increased responsibilities: not burdensome ones, but right up my explicitly-stated career goals. I need my mental acuity. I know my brain isn't as sharp as it was five years ago. I know I don't have the same fire. Sleep apnea is the problem.

3. Obesity

Here, frankly, I am kicking butt and taking names. After a rough start, I am effecting what my new nutrition counselor has instructed. It is a little more work, with meal prep, but I really love the food.

And plus I am highly motivated to overcome obesity, both from the bad (sleep apnea) and the good (lifelong martial arts), to have motivation. I have a long way to go, and fail often, but I have begun. Fortunately I have an expansive palate.

And while my food is increasingly sane, in about 3 weeks I can (morally) return to taekwando. And this summer I'll be back in the office, which will do me good for walking and being around actual humans.

Summary

So that's where I'm at:

1. I have real issues that sadden and burden me daily

2. I am taking direct action, coupled with high motivation

Thanks for listening!