Ta-dah! List

[RightInTwo]

This is awesome, Beany.

Your presence here on the forum has also certainly helped me and I'm sure quite a few other women.

rg

I couldn’t agree more.

[Beany Boo]

[Beany Boo]

It occurred to me yesterday while in transit,
To spend 20 minutes focussed on one thought;
Nothing specific, more like thought stem cell;
Thought starter; blank dough.
I spent that window,
Lightly chasing down meanderings,
Allowing for doubt; tolerating uncertainty;
Alleviating urgency; relaxing the point;
Like it was a creature
That required only gentle shepherding.
I achieved nothing,
Decided nothing.
I barely knew what I was doing.

Today my mind is quick, flexible;
Accepting.
It wasn’t my intention but,
It seems brain responded well,
To that type of attention exercise.

[Beany Boo]

A task crosses my desk. It is easily the most ridiculous mess I’ve encountered to date. I am immediately buckling with contempt for the collective incompetence that brought it forth. Coupled with contempt for my own incompetency that I both managed to fall into the path of this thing and, that I uniquely lack the ability to stop it from continuing to wreak havoc!

Meanwhile, I’m aware that I’m aware. I somehow watch this unfold from the cheap seats. Aware of the oppressive weight of contempt. Aware that I’m not so married to being swept along by it.

I take all the time I need. I remain open to discovering an outcome. I stay focused on bringing my cognitive load back within tolerance over and over. I avoid pasting anyone with the contempt smearing the air; including myself.

It’s a toehold.

After what feels like days, I’m actually coming up with a common sense response (not solution) in a context that continues to play as absurd. I click ‘send’. I get up and walk away, unhooked from the task.

Right now I feel like Jack Sparrow as he is stepping off the mast onto the dock, as his sinking ship disappears under the waves.

[Beany Boo]

I’m getting hammered today.

I started a new course of study at work. I don’t really fit in at work and would not wish to lock myself in any further, but this opportunity fell in my lap. My plan stays the same; just keep my cognitive load well below critical mass. It’s frustrating being successful at stuff you fell into without a choice. I’m grateful I have a strong sense of myself in the shadow of this stuff.

I also got the hard word from my landlord by email (during the class!). He’s putting up the rent to a dizzying level. I may need to move again. I feel scared but by no means gripped. That may change as the days pass. I’m grateful I can hold the prospect in my head, with a low emotional charge today. I more or less know what to do and expect.

I nailed Pilates tonight. I also realized I’ve made some nice acquaintances.

Changes can work out.

[manuel_moe_g]

I also got the hard word from my landlord by email (during the class!). He’s putting up the rent to a dizzying level. I may need to move again. I feel scared but by no means gripped.

This is a fantastic success! The situation doesn't own you.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MM,

The anxiety overtook me in the night, which was to be expected. But my breathing techniques have become noticeably effective to at least minimize the flare.

Today I am prepared to put parentheses around yesterday; it was a particularly difficult day. And now it’s over.

[Beany Boo]

Follow up;

I negotiated my new rent down to a reasonable level. That may sound like something people do. It feels to me like my greatest achievement to date.

[RightInTwo]

Wow! Good for you, beany!!!

[Beany Boo]